I made it home from work yesterday just in time to see my only son ready to walk out the door for a birthday party with a hot pink gift bag. I left a blank check on the counter for Erin to run to Target to pick up a gift and assumed that she would take care of the wrapping as well. When I walked in the door he looked at me with a pleading look in his eyes as if he was saying "mom, please save me from these crazy people." I had five minutes before I had to meet the rest of Shannon's carpool, to which I was just informed that it was our turn to drive. I received a call at work at 4:45 that we had to meet the carpool at the gas station at 5:20. I walked in my door around 5:10. The problem that I faced was that I had to take a major poop and find gift wrap that wouldn't scar my son for life in only five minutes. I sprinted down to the storage room only to find princess gift bags and then I found some lime green tissue paper. There was a God. Now all I needed was tape, tape, tape, oh where in the hell do we keep the tape. Finally I wrapped the gift hap hazardly and sent him out the door with grandma for the party. Now I had three minutes left to poop. All I needed was toilet paper, toilet paper, oh where in the hell is the toilet paper. Finally on the fourth bathroom that I tried I found a roll of toilet paper. Did anyone use the bathroom today???? And if so, with the exception of Ryan how????

The transmission place that has my van called today and said, "Mrs. Murphy, do you have a few minutes to talk?" I thought to myself, this can't be good. He then proceeded to tell me that this was the worst transmission that he has seen in all of his fifteen years of working on transmissions. He asked me if by chance I had a teenager that was driving it rough due to the condition of my transmission. Considering that my kids are too afraid to even back the blue beast out of the driveway, I must be the culprit. There were only three parts of the transmission that were not completely destroyed. Fabulous!!! Of course this little repair is now going to cost an additional $500 from the original quote. I am planning on bringing Ryan's guitar to work tomorrow to play in the lobby at lunch to pick up a little extra cash. Maybe I will bring Maggie along, mess up her hair, smear some dirt on her, and have her sit on one leg so she looks like she is missing a limb!!!

Today was the day of our staycation. A bunch of our friends went to Gulf Shores Alabama this week and invited us along. We decided against it because the complex that they were staying at only had condo's that slept six. Our family doesn't get along well enough for such cramped quarters. We decided to save money and stay home. Dave was on vacation this week so I took a vacation day and planned a day at Grants Farm. The nice thing about Grants Farm is that it is free, you pay $10 to park and the rest is free. The plan was pick Shannon up at Cheereleading practice at 10:30 and head to Grants Farm. Of Course we overslept and had to hit the ground running, Maggie had to take a quick bath because she had a party at 5:00 and I knew there wouldn't be time after our family outing. It was pouring down rain when we headed out. When we picked up Shannon we noticed something was a little off. She had a swollen top lip. She got punched in the face by accident when she was coming down from a cheerleading stunt. It didn't help when my darling husband so eloquently stated "Shannon, you look like a duck billed platypus!!" We headed to Schnucks to get doughnuts for my five starving children. (the oldest two were too cool for the family outing) We came out of schnucks in the pouring down rain with the doughnuts to find that we locked the keys in the car. Lucky for us, we know how to slide open the tiny side windows and push Maggie in sideways to unlock the door. We decided that the weather was not going to let up so we should pick another destination. We decided on The City Museum. We got there and it was $12 a piece to get in. It was going to cost $84. I looked at Dave and said "do you want to stay??" He said, "we have to now, we can't take the kids to a fun place and just walk in the door and tease them." The kids had a fun time, it really is a pretty cool place, not $84 cool but still pretty cool. On the way home, daddy took the scenic route we got to see lots of spray painted buildings that said bloods or crypts. A little educational gang activity is always fun. We headed for home and stopped by Wendy's for lunch. We were running out of time and decided to swing by Target to pick up a gift for Maggie's party. Erin was throwing a fit, she had to work at five and she needed time to straighten her hair so she didn't look like a wet dog. Shannon was throwing a fit because I was going to Target instead of WalMart because WalMart was giving away free 3D glasses for the Hannah Montona movie that will be on TV on Saturday. We were in the turning lane going in to Target when we heard a loud bang that sounded like the van engine dropping to the ground. Dave tried to step on the gas and nothing, the van wouldn't move. We sat there for a while trying to figure out what to do. Some man stopped to help but there was no way they could push the van off the road because it is too heavy. Erin and I decided to run across HWY K to the auto garage to see if they could tow it. Erin and I were sprinting across the four lane road in our flip flops in the rain and I said "see, I told you that today would be more fun than going to Florida." The people at the garage were really nice, they even had an employee with a Yukon drive me and the kids home while Dave rode with the tow truck driver. I called the mother of the little girl that was having the party and said "Maggie will be there on time but she is coming empty handed. I was going to drop her off, get a gift and come back, hopefully before they open gifts." We got in the car to go and I heard Maggie screaming. I turned around and she had smashed her thumb in the door. She got it out and I ran inside and got her a baggie full of ice. I'm hoping that this day was a bad dream and I will wake up in Gulf Shores or Florida on a real vacation!!!!

11 doughnuts at Schnucks $8.00

admission at City Museum $84

Tow truck $75

Ice for Maggie's thumb and Shannon's lip $1

Van Repair TBD

Family Fun!!!!! PRICELESS!!!!

Life is good at the Murphy house tonight!! Dave finally got his bucket of chicken. I was in Chicago this weekend with Erin on a soccer tournament. My sister in law left me a message that she was at KFC and wanted to invite her baby brother because she read my blog last week. She also called his phone and left him the same message. He was out of town at Lake of the Ozarks with his boss and some of the other managers/supervisors. I talked to him several times while I was in Chicago. Dave really enjoys fishing as long as he catches the biggest fish out of everyone that he is fishing with. Unfortunately for him, he fished for eight hours and only caught four little fish. The last time I talked to him I could tell that his ego was a tad bruised.

I got home from Chicago around 3:00, Dave was already home. Shannon called around 5:00 and needed a ride home from cheer leading practice. Dave asked if I would ride with him to pick her up so we could swing by KFC on the way home. I said "are you serious, you still can't order a bucket of chicken." I told him that I wasn't going, I had just gotten out of the shower, I didn't feel like putting a bra on and God knows he won't let me go through the drive thru. He picked Shannon up and started to cut the grass. I was starting to feel a little guilty, after all he wasn't the best fisherman on the lake this weekend, chicken just may pull him out of his deep depression. I went to KFC and surprised him, I think I actually heard him singing while he was eating his chicken.

I fully expected an adventure story when my family returned from KFC last night and of course they did not disappoint. It seems that KFC closes early on Sunday nights or at least they did yesterday when Clark W Grizwald arrived, the store was dark without a bucket of chicken in sight. The kids all got a kick of watching my darling husband's stress level rise, in his quest for chicken . They decided to try Taco Bell again, Ryan and Maggie could get pizza and Dave and Erin could get taco's.(Lauren most likely would say that she wasn't eating fast food because it is soooooo unhealthy and then she will just steal your food when you get home, instead of ordering her own) They arrived at Taco Bell and of course were not going to attempt the drive thru, (especially in dad's fragile emotional state after the chicken quest was coming up a bust.) Dave got to the door and there was a sign taped to the door that said "We're sorry, we are temporarily out of Pizza Hut pizza's!" Dave thought, you have got to be kidding me, he went to open the door and it was locked. Not only are they out of pizza, now he would have to go through the drive thru. He decided that Taco Bell was not going to be for him, he couldn't handle all of this fast food stress. Moving on down the road, they decided to hit McDonald's, Dave was ready to throw in the towel but Lauren was driving so he didn't have much choice. Lauren pulled in to the drive thru and ordered, Dave wanted a number 3 large with a coke. They pulled around and the kid in the window gave them their food. Dave asked for his soda and the kid said "Ummm you didn't order a soda." I guess he forgot that value meals came with a drink. He appeared baffled and asked Lauren if she could please pull forward and he would run the large Coke out to them as soon as it was ready. Dave couldn't understand why they had to pull forward for a Coke when this kid was standing inches away from the cups, straws, ice and soda. Dave told Lauren to just leave, he couldn't handle the pressure. Lauren refused, the kids were enjoying watching Daddy crumble. Finally after at least five minutes of waiting for Dave's soda, Erin went inside and asked for it and the kid said "Oh I'm sorry I forgot all about it." Erin got back in the car and Ryan asked if Ashton Kutcher was inside. Surely they were being punked!!!

My husband got a new toy this weekend. A brand new power washer. I'm afraid if one of the kids stands still long enough, he just may power wash one of them. We bought several different solutions, one for siding, one for concrete, one for the deck. Apparently my husband is a careless speed reader because he used a gallon of siding CONCENTRATE on the driveway thinking it said CONCRETE. I guess we will have to do a do over on the driveway next weekend. Dave was craving KFC last night, he left the house and came back an hour later empty handed. I asked what happened?? He wouldn't tell me. He opened the freezer and pulled out the bag of chicken patties. He opened the pantry an noticed that we were out of bread. He put the chicken patties back in the freezer and stormed off into our room. I asked him what happened at KFC? He said, "when I got there the dining room was closed and the drive thru only had a partial menu at the back of the line. I was afraid that I would get blocked in by another driver and wouldn't be able to leave if the menu was too stressful." What in the hell could possibly be stressful about ordering chicken???? He decided to go by taco bell instead. Their dining room was still open. He walked in and the line reached all the way to the door. There was a whole baseball team there. That's when he decided to go home in a huff and eat a chicken pattie. Unfortunately for him we were out of bread. To make a long story short, he just asked me to go with him to KFC tonight. He hasn't satisfied his craving yet. I told him I wasn't going with him because I was busy making fun of him on my blog. He asked Lauren to go with him, she said "Oh God, Dad, do you know how unhealthy KFC is??" He asked Erin to go and help him and she said, "No way, I hate KFC their chicken tastes like rats." we asked her if she has actually ever eaten a rat and luckily she said no. He finally talked Lauren and Erin into going and helping him order the stressful chicken as long as he promised to take Erin to McDonald's on the way home, Ryan and Maggie rode along as well. Call me crazy but I think riding in a car with Ryan, Maggie, Erin and Lauren is a hell of a lot more stressful than ordering chicken. I guess my husband AKA the little red hen (who will help me order the chicken, not I said the tired wife, not I, said the vein, health nut Lauren, not I, said the crazy, multiple personality teenager) will learn a good lesson this evening that the drive thru is not actually such a scary place after all!!! (unless of course you are dumb enough to bring four kids with you to order 1 bucket of chicken)

Shannon called me last night from Florida. She seems to be having a great time. She was telling me about all the fun places that they have been to. I couldn't help but think, "your not going to bring home any change are you??" I'm used to Erin forgetting to bring home the change from her $20 that I give her for a $4 value meal, but I gave Shannon a little more than $20. Oh well I guess you only live once. She has a great group of friends and I am sure that they are having a blast. I just hope that my little red head remembers to put on her sunscreen.

Ryan pitched in his baseball game last night. Let me preface this little story by saying that my son is not a pitcher. He always wants to pitch and I try to discourage it because he never practices and has had no training. He hasn't even played a baseball game in over three weeks. Anyway to make a long story short, it made for a long inning for this stressed out mom. I guess he has to fight his battles on his own and learn the hard way that pitching just isn't for him. He did strike out two batters. I would like to apologize to the three mothers of the children on the other team that my little pitcher pummeled with the ball. The inning was finally over when he walked in five runs of batters that he either HIT!!! or walked. OOPS!!! It was really hard watching him struggle emotionally on the mound, his little shoulders were slumped and he looked pretty sad. I figured if I went into the dug out for a big hug and kiss that I would make matters worse. I just said a quick prayer for him and figured that this will be one of those unavoidable hard lessons in life. It still doesn't make it any easier on his mom or dad. Besides his dad always says "I have no use for a sport with a ball that you don't kick." We are a soccer family, who needs baseball anyway.

I wasted an hour and a half of my day waiting in line at the liscense bureau. Erin's temporary tags on her car expire next week so I thought I would be good and pay my sales tax a week early, so I could get her plates. When we bought the car Dave called me and asked me if I wanted my name on the title. Since we were buying a 1999 Corolla with three hubcaps and 90,000 miles instead of a Porsche I told him it was fine if he titled it in his name only. I thought I would have to take off of work to go buy the dealership to sign it. To make a long story short, when I got up to the counter to get my plates, they wouldn't give them to me because the title was in Dave's name. Lauren asked me to bring her sales receipt with me and ask what her sales tax would cost for her new car.I called Dave and told him that he gets to wait in line to get Erin's plates. My darling husband struggles with ordering a pizza, getting license plates just may push him over the edge.

I called Lauren to let her know how much her sales tax would be. She was working, selling beer in Clayton at parties at the park. (an outdoor happy hour for the yuppy crowd,held every Wednesday in the summer) I told her that her sale tax would be around $1,200.00, she said, "Oh God, I guess I better take off my top so I get better tips tonight." I thought "what are you thinking??" Then I thought, "maybe you should go ahead and take one for the team, Erin's $900 soccer fees are due soon, you may want to take your shorts off as well." Instead it came out as "very funny, please keep your top on."

Shannon left for Florida today. I went to Wal Mart last night to pick up shampoo, soap, toothpaste etc for her trip. Imagine my surprise when I spent $100. Why can't I go to WalMart without dropping a hundred dollars? Erin got a text message last night from one of her friends about her family soccer party that is tonight. I love the short notice that I always get. I finally paid for her $260 state champion ring yesterday. Last night she said, "we ordered state champs pullovers, I thought they were free, we are supposed to bring a $57 check to the party for the pullovers or we can add it to the $70 check for soccer camp next week." I felt like knocking her teeth out but then I remembered that she doesn't feel pain.

Shannon was a little nervous about her first flight. It was raining this morning which just made her more nervous. Her big sister Laure made sure she shared with her what air turbulence was. It didn't help much when she would do the count down, Shannon three more days until you die in a plane crash, Hey Shannon, two more days etc etc. I sure hope at least one of my children becomes a therapist so the Murphy's can get free help. She called me after her flight landed and said "mom, I'm alive!!!" I guess she wasn't as optimistic as I was. She told me she had a horrible headache. Good thing we packed the liquid Advil. She asked me while we were packing if she should pack it. I told her that chances were pretty slim that her friends family will have infant Advil in their medicine cabinet when their youngest child is 14. I bought her SPF 50 sunblock, she said "mom, I'm not going to get any color. Normally her tan lines look like a candy cane. I'm sure she is going to have a blast!! The rest of us are all jealous of her. We love the beach.

If little Sybil doesn't scare me enough already with her mood swings we can throw in the frightening fact that the kid doesn't feel pain. The same day that she got all four of her impacted wisdom teeth cut out , she ate chicken and garlic bread. She insisted that she was starving and smoothies and milk shakes weren't doing the trick. The next day she had me take her to McDonalds for two cheeseburgers and a small fry. I'm afraid that she will be one of those crazy women that will be in labor and never know it and my grandkids will be born in all kinds of crazy places. She has gained three pounds this weekend, a fact that her big sister Lauren is enjoying quite well.

Ryan was upset with me that I didn't spent this weeks grocery money on bottle rockets and sparklers. We can see our city's fireworks display from the comfort of our front yard. The semi pro baseball team stadium is walking distance to our house and they shoot off fireworks after every evening home game. Friday night, Ryan and Maggie went out in the front yard to see the fireworks. Maggie came inside and said, "Mom, some man was sitting on our front lawn watching the fireworks, daddy wouldn't like him on the grass!!" Saturday Ryan went to his buddy's house to shoot off fireworks, I said a quick prayer that he didn't shoot his hand off. What is it about little boys that makes them love to blow things up??? When I told him earlier in the week that fireworks were too expensive, he came home from a neighbors house and told me he was told that you could make your own fireworks out of kaboom bathroom cleaner and we wouldn't even have to spend any money. Remind me not to let him play there any more.

Dave and I walked up to our city's Fourth of July fair. We had never been before and it is so close to our house that we thought that we should go check it out. I am not a big fan of fairs or crowds or a big gathering of drunk people for that matter. The bands Candlebox and Gin Blossom's were playing and Mr. forever teenager wanted to hear them play. When we approached the area where the band was going to play, Dave handed me his wallet. I said "Oh how sweet, you are going to give me all the money so I can stand in line for rides, food, face painting and carnival fun with the kids while you stand here and bob your head to rock music like an idiot teenager." The look I gave him spoke a thousand words, he put his wallet away and said, "I would much rather walk around with you and the kids instead of staying here." We took the kids to a few booths and headed back towards the music. Shannon called me twice while I was there to let me know that she was hungry and that she wanted a haircut. What did she expect me to do , leave the fair early, and run home to make her a sandwich??After a few minutes of listening to the music, I realized that I would rather put a hot poker in my eye or run home to feed Shannon than stay there and listen to the men in leather pants scream and wail on the stage. I told Dave that I was taking the kids home and I would meet up with him later. I was hoping he wouldn't leave me for one of the scantily clad, braless, tattooed drunk women at the fair. If that type of woman was his type, the sky was the limit at our fair.

We had a party on Saturday, as we were gathering our stuff to leave, our friends that had the party's daughter thought that we had already left. She said "Mom, look Maggie Murphy is still here, did the Murphy's forget a kid again??" The funny part was that I was standing right behind her, she was so embarrassed. I don't know why she would think that we would forget a kid. It has been a whole year since we left Kelsey at the golf course. We have had a few near misses throughout the year but we have not actually left a kid behind in a full year. Either we are getting better are our children are watching us like hawks to make sure we don't leave without them.

My back is feeling much better this week. My right hip was bothering me today. I was thinking that I am feeling like a German Shepherd, maybe I should run by the vets office for a cortisone shot. Maggie asked me yesterday, "Are you going to therapy tomorrow?" I explained that it was important to stress the "physical" in physical therapy. I am sure that she told the whole neighborhood that "mommy is in therapy." (Some days mommy needs therapy but she has yet to get any.) Erin is getting her wisdom teeth cut out tomorrow. The nice part is she is saving money by not having to buy a killer fourth of July outfit. Of course Lauren bought one so Erin can wear hers next year. Lauren is planning to sabotage Erin to fatten her up. I think only three pounds separate the two of them and they have a little competition on who is the skinniest. Lauren said that when she goes to Sonic to get her a milkshake that she is going to ask for extra chocolate sauce, she is afraid that she will get the upper hand in the who's the skinniest contest with her upcoming oral surgery. Erin had an appointment at the dermatologist office where I work last week. Shannon had cheer leading camp so Erin had to bring Kelsey, Ryan and Maggie with her. I was leaving to take Kelsey to soccer practice immediately after her appointment and wouldn't have had time to go home to get her. When they got there Ryan looked less than pleased. Erin wouldn't let him speak in the car. When we were in the exam room Ryan saw a Botox brochure and asked "Isn't Botox, your butt?" Erin said "that's buttocks, you idiot!" He was so close!!!! I am considering locking those two in a room and not letting them out until they like each other.