Lauren's accident was 11 months ago....11 months, that is absolutely crazy. So much has changed in 11 months.  Some have been good while others not so good. I would love to say I am past being sad but honestly that is my biggest stumbling block to date. Even when I'm happy....I'm still incredibly sad. It is as if there is a constant veil of sadness even through laughter and good times. But there is laughter and good times, that is saying something. 11 months ago, heck 10, 9 and even 8 months ago there was no laughter and good times, none, zero!!

My family survived 4 months without me, I thought I was irreplaceable?? Well now that enough time has passed I'm learning their survival skills are a bit lacking. For instance Shannon shared with me that Kelsey basically did what she wanted all summer and dad had absolutely no clue where she went or what time she came home. Why did Shannon share this information? Well not because she was a concerned big sister but she felt slighted that this was her summer to fly free, not Kelsey's she was still in high school. After completing your first year of college it is the right of passage in the Murphy Mansion that you get to stay out later and not have your parents breathing down your neck.

I have preached from day one that Lauren needs normalcy in order to return to an independent life. What exactly is normalcy? Well the Murphy definition is not exactly textbook "Normal." Is it normal to pluck ones eyebrows and apply lip gloss while someone is in a coma? Is it normal to apply fresh lipstick before every PT session to help with balance?  We may not be a conventional bunch but it works for us. We have learned so much about the power of prayer, family and love and devotion over this journey.

As a mother I often stand back in awe at the way my kids have carried themselves throughout this family crisis.Each and every one of them is so amazingly strong and unique. In the first 6-8 weeks after Lauren's accident I was not emotionally strong enough to be present for my other 6 kids or even my husband for that matter. Never in million years would I have thought I was the type to go A wall on my family...but I did. I'm not proud of that fact but its true.

Things are much easier now but still tough at the same time. My physical exhaustion is now gone. Lauren is capable of bathing, dressing and feeding herself these days but she is still far from total independence.  Most days I am amazed at her determination and spirit. Some days I am quite frankly just sad. These sad days normally follow some of the best days. Days where she makes great progress I am flying high, why can't I just be thankful for those days vs analyzing the parts of those days that still showed that my precious daughter still has a very injured brain. Why can't I focus on the fact that she still has her incredible fashion sense when we go shopping vs the fact that at the end of the trip she calls me "Jason."  They removed the portion of her brain that controls the ability to understand as well as speak language. The fact that she can say anything that makes sense is a miracle!  The right side of her brain is slowly making up for what she lost. God is good. My faith is in tact and I have no other choice but to believe things will continue to improve.

As much as I love the fact that she loves to cuddle and I get so many great hugs I long for the day I can take her to the airport with her two suitcases just like I did a few years back when she spread her wings for a life in NYC. Its funny that my goal is to kick her out of the nest but as much as I want to smother her and keep her safe, I know she will never truly be happy here.

Dave and I had all these kids on blind faith. We really couldn't afford having babies every other year but we had faith in God that things would work out. We lived on buttered noodles and when we splurged and got McDonald's, the kids always had to share a soda and one large fry. The positive in that is that they learned to share or an even better lesson was they learned how to outsmart each other on who got the most fries. Survival skills at their finest.

I remember once when Shannon was around 8, one of her soccer friends was with us and we were ordering food at McDonald's. Her friend ordered a happy meal with a vanilla shake, I could tell by the look on Shannon's face she was petrified I would tell her friend that Murphy's don't order shakes. Instead I turned to Shannon and asked her if she would like a shake too? Chocolate or Vanilla? I'll never forget the look of relief on that cute little freckled face. I never wanted my kids to feel embarrassed that we couldn't afford things their friends had. That was one of the few moments as a parent where I felt I really got it right. (She probably doesn't even remember that stellar parenting move)

Now my new struggle is my younger kids trying to keeping a sense of normalcy. I can't go to a soccer game when its cold because Lauren wont do well. Having sleep overs isn't the best idea because Lauren wakes up so early an I don't want to listen to giggling girls all night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in life there are always roadblocks, learning to navigate around them is the key to success. Life is what you make it. Some days I would love to spend the day in my bed crying for what used to be. Who does that help? Every person on this planet is fighting some type of battle. The biggest lesson I have learned is that things are not always what they appear. People tend to reveal only what they want you to see. Sometimes the happiest people are fighting the biggest battles. I choose to be one of those happy people...OK I just wrote a whole post on how unhappy I am....SO IRONIC!  OK so starting today that is me! HA!

And no worries Kelsey, I will be home all summer this year. I will be on you like flies on sh&%!

My Kelsey turns 18 in a little over a week. Her upcoming birthday caused me to 
reflect on what I was doing at her age. 

Sadly, I was preparing for teenage motherhood alone. Well not technically alone, 
I had my family and friends (in which I could never have done it) but I didn't have a 

husband or even a baby daddy by my side.

I guess my saving grace was having the gift of not feeling sorry for myself. The 
situation was what it was, and I got myself into this mess so, it was me that would 
get myself out of it? Wait what? Was there any getting out? No, but I had the 
tools(Thanks to my parents) to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to make sure this baby knew she was loved and wanted despite how she came to be.

Ill save that story for my book.....Maybe....Lauren's biological father is so 
insignificant that he doesn't deserve the ink on my paper.

I gave birth to a perfect 7 lb 8 oz beautiful baby girl 16 days after my 18th 
birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

I look at Kelsey who is practicing for the school play, playing soccer, getting 
ready for college and having a blast. I am so thankful she has made good 
choices. 

As Dave always eloquently explained, becoming a teenage parent is tough but 
with hard work it isn't a destiny of  repeated  bad choices. It does kind of 
place you behind the 8 ball a bit but once you dig yourself out of that hole of 
"shame" it is a euphoric feeling to look around and tell yourself, "I made it" !

When Lauren moved to NYC I posted the song by Tim Mc Graw on her facebook 
timeline. There Goes My Life. That song summed up my feelings perfectly. 

I was sad that she left but so proud of her for following her dreams. When I 
found out I was pregnant with her, I thought my life was over but in actuality 
it had just begun. Watching your children succeed where you have failed is a 
great feeling and so much better watching them then doing it yourself. 


When Lauren first had her accident I was so incredibly sad I often wondered how 
I could continue to breathe, my heart was completely broken. I would pass 
mothers with their small children on the campus at cedars and think to myself. 
Don't get too attached....that baby will some day walk in front of a car and 
ruin your life. I was in such a dark place, I would sit in a chair alone for 14 
hours a day and just watch my lifeless daughter lay there while watching a bag 
of bloody spinal fluid fill up as it was being drained from her severely damaged 
brain.  I would walk to the Starbucks on campus twice a day just to get away for 
a few minutes and cry on my bench outside in the sun. This is when I would pass 
all the hospital visitors and secretly hate anyone who looked happy. They 
obviously weren't visiting anyone in "the Saperstein Critical Care Tower"

I'm not sure when the dark feelings went away...or did they? What I do know is 
that when I look back at my time in L A I almost feel as if it was dreamlike or 
more accurately nightmare like. Did I really have an apartment in Beverly Hills? 
That two months of my life is like I was in a fog. Maybe that is a blessing that 
God gave me but I really don't remember much detail. What I do remember is how 
many times I prayed the rosary each day and although I spent most days alone 
(thankfully Courtney joined me every late afternoon) I never really felt alone. 
I knew God was there with me and things would be ok. 

I remember pleading with God, why did you let her live if only to live as a 
vegetable? All early signs showed very minimal neurological function. As bad as 
her outlook appeared I had an unbelievable sense of calmness and that is where 
faith comes in. I felt God's presence and somehow knew things would be okay 
eventually. 

There was a quote that I found that says; "everything will be okay in the end. 
If its not okay, then it's not the end."

I still have to remind myself of this quote when things are tough. Life is much 
better now but to be honest I long for the easiness of my old life. I realize 
the past is just that...the past. Going forward I need to make the most of what 
remains and be thankful. Things are slowly improving. There isn't much I take 
for granted these days. Just the other day I was able to watch one of my 
favorite tv shows in my bed with Lauren while I scratched her back and we 
cuddled. This is something we used to do before her accident. Her favorite thing 
to do was always lay her head on my lap while I scratched her scalp. A while 
back after a bad break up she experienced we spent several nights watching tv 
while I scratched her scalp and back. I cherish those moments and am so thankful 
we are able to experience more. 

I've been told that healing continues for up to 4 years after a brain injury. 
There is no doubt that things will continue to improve. We will continue to put 
one foot in front of the other. 

 I reflect back to my 18th birthday and remember the sense of sadness that I 
felt. At that time in my life I felt my life choices had pretty much destroyed 
all chances of a bright future. I'm so thankful I was wrong, we are so far away 
from the end!

Maybe it's my new routine of getting up every morning at 4:30 and then every half hour thereafter until I finally give in and get up at 6:00, or maybe its the fact that Dave has been out of town all week but tonight I feel like I'm all alone in this battle. What a crazy notion? Our Caring Bridge Site has hit over half a million views, our support system is huge and still growing in numbers.

Today I am willing to sell my soul to the devil if he would just give Lauren her old life back. I think Kelsey thinks I AM the devil....my patience with small teenage annoyances is extremely thin. Ryan has strep throat and has been home from school for three days. By this afternoon he was feeling better and was on my very last nerve. I was upstairs guarding the open balcony (the men were working on the house) to keep Lauren safe and was more than tempted to throw Ryan over that same balcony. I realized I spelled Kelsey's name wrong on the 160 Christmas cards I ordered.(adds character to the card if you ask me) Maggie had to study for a big test and I didn't have the emotional strength to even help her study. I couldn't bring myself to quiz her when all I wanted to do was take a hot bath (Ryan used all the hot water) and go lay in the fetal position and have a good cry. (it's been a while, I'm due)

Lauren is getting annoyed with therapy and hasn't been cooperating 100%, she has soldiered through for the most part but its obvious she doesn't want to be there. Her inability to understand and speak words is called Aphasia. I have googled that word 4 thousand times. I hate that word. I watch her in social situations try to fake her way through conversations. She has her standard phrases. Hi, How Are You? I'm good, perfect, thank you, Excuse Me.

When she talks with someone not in her inner circle she interjects whatever response she feels works. For example, someone told her this weekend she was pretty to which she responded, "I Know".  It made us laugh but inside I wanted to cry because I knew. I knew she was trying so hard to appear "normal." Often times I think she understands everything I am saying to her and other times I feel like she has no clue. As my beautiful brilliant oldest daughter pointed out on Saturday, even though she is "faking " her way through, it is good because she is finding ways to cope.


The picture above is of our Christmas card photo shoot on Thanksgiving. Notice the sunbeam covering Lauren's right side of her head, I choose to believe that is a divine presence helping heal Lauren's brain. Her injury was primarily on the left,  the right side is trying to relearn everything that was lost that the left controlled. Faith is a funny thing, I can believe so strongly one minute and then the next I am ready to sell my soul for a quick fix. I have been so mad at God I made a conscience effort to avoid church the last two weeks. I'm sure I gave myself some excellent excuse but really there is no valid excuse. I was given a miracle on a silver platter and I was too mad to pull myself together for church? Who do I think I am?

Tomorrow is a new day and a wise friend I met on this journey once told me "The sun will come up tomorrow with new hope for the day."  Funny that the forecast calls for sleet and snow tomorrow....just kidding I'm not that much of a Debbie Downer. Tomorrow is a new day and things are looking up. Ryan's fever free and going back to school.  Dave is coming home tomorrow and I'm pissed at Kelsey so who really cares that I spelled her name wrong??

 Just Kidding I love you Klesley.