Why I Love Organized Religion!

I know its not trendy to say those five words in an age where spirituality is perceived as good and religion seems to always gets a bad rap. This blog post is not meant to offend anyone it is merely a way for me to explain a beautiful moment I felt this weekend visiting my childhood church.


I  went back to my childhood church for a funeral. Walking through those familiar heavy doors brought back a flood of memories. This is the same church where I made all of my sacraments. I was baptized on that altar, I made my first confession as part of the very first class to have face to face confession (how scary) (and I actually lived to tell about it. )I made my first communion there.

I had so many memories walking down that 90 foot aisle in one of the most beautiful churches in St. Louis.

The funeral procession of my father down that aisle was sad and beautiful at the same time. I remember walking up that long aisle huddled with my family looking at a packed church full of crying onlookers and I could feel the love and support through my grief. Two weeks later I walked down that same aisle to marry the love of my life.

In my twenties I never thought too much about religion. Actually, if anyone would have asked me my beliefs at the time I would have probably said that I had my first couple of kids baptized mainly because its just what you are supposed to do. I didn't attend mass on a regular basis and honestly I was pretty pissed at God for letting my dad die of a massive heart attack two weeks before my wedding.

I guess the foundation was always there due to the years of "brainwashing" otherwise known as Catholic education. I was more spiritual and didn't really think too much of organized religion. Besides, I had little kids and who wants to get up early on a Sunday?

I'm not really sure when the change occurred but I am so thankful it did. Sitting in that old church that was such a big part of my life I felt overwhelmed. Sitting next to my daughter who had just cheated death, (who was also baptized on that altar) made me feel like I truly had come home. I know its just a building but to me it is so much more. Had it not been for that "foundation" also known as "brainwashing" I received as a child I don't know that I could have had the strength as an adult to endure the pain of this last year.

That big beautiful church is one of the main forces that got me to where I am today. With that said, my parents are the ones that brought me through those double doors of that church and made the financial commitment and sacrifice, for that I am forever grateful. Something can be said about traditions and religion. Sure you can sit, kneel, stand, and recite prayers on autopilot and feel nothing. As easy as you can do that, you can also sit, kneel, stand and recite prayers from the heart. It's your choice.

My darkest days are those early days sitting in that blue vinyl recliner in Lauren's ICU room. I listened to the beeping machines and the sounds of the ventilator pushing air though my precious daughters fragile lungs artificially keeping her alive. In those days I am most thankful for my faith going into autopilot and those prayers that I recited so many times with no emotion or feeling when I was a kid, were now recited with such desperation and love and meaning.

In second grade at Catholic school, you learn of Jesus performing his first Miracle by turning water into wine. The concept of miracles was always there but I never realized the importance of miracles until I needed one so desperately in those dark days in April of 2013. Not everyone receives their miracle and that is a fact that I don't take lightly.

Lauren's prognosis was not good, the staff at the hospital all looked at me with kindness in their eyes but many of them also looked at me as if our situation was hopeless. So many little miracles occurred at that time that are too many to list, before Lauren's critical status changed, the change also slowly occurred in many of the medical professionals. At one point doctors had told me that they could keep her alive artificially long enough to fly her siblings out to say goodbye. Eventually what originally seemed so hopeless to the professionals was beginning to look like a glimmer of hope.

I can not even begin to explain the feeling of Gods presence that I felt but I know in my heart that it was real. My best friend was with me in those early days and she recently confided in me that she had told her husband on the phone that she had no idea how I was even able to hold my head up and stand upright due to Lauren's grave condition. The answer to that is simple...It was not me who was holding my head up, it was God. For the first time in my life I knew what I had always questioned was indeed REAL. I am so thankful that "organized religion" gave me such a gift. Without that foundation I may not have noticed that beautiful moment.

Going back to my old church was a full circle moment for me. After the funeral there was a luncheon in the church basement. Before I left I snuck upstairs so I could have a quiet moment in that big empty beautiful church and walk up that long aisle just one more time.  I needed to say a big Thank You. Without the gift of organized religion I may have not had the courage to ask for that miracle and plead with the medical staff to not give up on my girl. For that I am truly grateful.

I would love to say that my faith is always that strong but even now I still struggle. Its easy to get caught up in the "Why did this happen to my daughter?" For now I am thankful for my Aha moment at All Souls Church. Tomorrow is a new day and I will continue to hold my head high (with help) and put one foot in front of the other.




"PERHAPS OUR EYES NEED TO BE WASHED BY OUR TEARS ONCE IN A WHILE, SO THAT WE CAN SEE LIFE WITH A CLEARER VIEW AGAIN"

I have had trouble sleeping all week. Normally I could fall asleep on the kitchen table. This week has been different. I guess its because I only have a few days left to reminisce about what I was doing last year at this time. Come April 19th my last year memories will all be post accident. It's funny how your life can be separated in time frames, kind of like, old testament vs new testament. For me its like carefree vs the weight of the world. Only I never realized I was carefree.

Last year at this time I was too busy with things that I thought were important to really stop and look at what really was. I stayed home with my kids through most of my adult life, only finding a job when Maggie was in pre school. Imagine my surprise when an actual career path landed in my lap in Nov of 2008. I was really proud of what I accomplished in a few years. I was doing a job that I loved and was promoted twice. The best part was that I knew my husband and kids (the ones that were old enough to "get it") were proud of me.

Being a teenage mom who didn't even finish high school I didn't have a lot of moments where I felt pride in myself other than what I accomplished with my family,  and  truth be told,  most of that credit goes to Dave. He is really the brain power in this crazy Murphy family. He is what makes me strive to be a better person. Ask anyone who knows him, he is the nicest guy on the planet. (I sure hope he doesn't read this)

I am so scared to hit this one year mark as it ends the pre accident phase of my life. No more...this time last year I bought three new dresses on sale at Nordstrom Rack and found perfect wedges to match. Funny how I though finding perfect wedges was so awesome a year ago.

I am a work in progress, I am trying so desperately to give my three youngest kids still at home a mom who isn't always distracted with worry and sadness. My husband started a new job that is less stressful and I am often so stressed I don't even ask how his day went because I don't even want to replay how bad mine was.

Last week I posted a video of Lauren's road to recovery. It has almost 10,000 views. http://vimeo.com/91575493   500 of those views were probably me.  I shot all the footage and put the video together but each time I watch it I am still in disbelief. It is good for me to see that I did receive a miracle, no question about it,  but watching that video also showed me that Lauren isn't the only miracle in my family. My other six kids were behind her every step of the way cheering her on and on and on. I can't even begin to describe the pride I feel for each and every one of them.

That video is a great reminder of what can happen in a year, my hope is that next year at this time we are not still battling with such a language barrier with Lauren. I keep reminding myself that had they not removed the portion of her brain that keeps her from finding the correct words, she would not have survived the accident. I just hate to see her struggle so much. Just the other day she got mad at me and called me an asshole. Not wanting to miss a teaching opportunity I explained to her that I was not an asshole and the correct word she was looking for was actually bitch. "I am a bitch." Next time she gets mad at me I'll let you know if she calls me the correct bad word. No worries, she gets mad at me a lot. As do the rest of the Murphy kids only they are not allowed to call me a "bitch"..... or tweet that I'm a "bitch". Just ask Shannon, that little tweet cost her her phone for about a month back in 2010. Or Kelsey butt dialing me and telling a car full of her friends what a "bitch" I am. They are both so smart!!

Our family was always close nit but now they are inseparable. Even Kelsey and Shannon....I know, I know, miracles are everywhere. Dave and I are different now. Still good but different. It's hard to make time for your spouse when you have a child in such great need of most of your time and more importantly your energy. We will get back our normal "us" I'm sure. He is the only person on this earth that can always make me feel like everything will be Okay. Its incredibly corny but I truly believe God had a hand in us finding each other. I also feel that Lauren was born to do great things and she will find her voice again.



Every day Lauren continues to amaze us all. I am having more days where I feel like I am the luckiest mom in the world...again another little miracle. About a year ago and even 6 months or even 3 months ago I didn't feel so lucky. I have witnessed the best in people over the past year. The amount of love and kindness I have received from friends, family and more importantly strangers is indescribable. I opened the box of cards and letters today to add a few more that came this week and it is crazy to look at all the love in that huge,  darling hat box I keep them in. For some reason my daughter has touched so many people with her story. It is so great to hear how someones faith has been restored largely in part to Lauren's recovery. Not many people can be lucky enough to bring others closer to God, especially when often times I personally feel so very far away.



Recently I was at a family friends wedding and the priest talked a lot about destiny. How even when this couple was young they were each others destiny and they didn't even know it. As happy as I was for the couple I couldn't stop the flood of tears as I thought, "What about my kids destiny?" I pictured her with her bouncy strawberry blond curls playing with her barbies and roller skating in my kitchen. Was it really her destiny to walk in front of a car and lose her independence? I felt an eerie calmness in the church that day and it was almost as if God was saying to me, "Remember when you had Lauren and you thought you would never be a bride?" So many thoughts were flooded in my head, I do remember, I never regretted my choice to keep Lauren vs adoption but I did feel I ruined my chances of finding my prince charming and having my big wedding. What I didn't know was that my destiny was actually so much better. Not only would I get my prince charming  (and eventually my big wedding) just 11 months after Lauren was born but he would come complete with a beautiful big sister for Lauren. In moments like that I feel that someday I will look back on this year and say, "Remember when sometimes I thought Lauren would never live independently again?" I can't wait until the day I can look back at how silly I was to feel that way.

I would be lying if I told you I am always confident in God's plan because often times it leaves me scratching my head. What in the world could his plan be for me? Why did my dad suddenly die of a massive heart attack two weeks before my wedding?

 I came to terms with that years ago after my bitter "I'm mad at God stage." A couple years after my dad died I realized that I had an awesome dad for 20 years and for that I'm lucky, there are a lot of dead beat dads in this world and I was lucky to have a great one even if only for a short while. I don't have time for such a long "I'm mad at God stage." I need Him now more than ever and my kids need to see that faith and love is what gets you through tough times.

Next year is a new beginning, Erin graduates in a few weeks and she will be the cutest little registered nurse I have ever seen. Sam will marry the love of her life and he is awesome! I still love Dave with my heart and soul and things will continue to go upwards. I may even stop by Nordstrom Rack this week just to take a quick peek at their wedges...what could it hurt?

Lauren's accident was 11 months ago....11 months, that is absolutely crazy. So much has changed in 11 months.  Some have been good while others not so good. I would love to say I am past being sad but honestly that is my biggest stumbling block to date. Even when I'm happy....I'm still incredibly sad. It is as if there is a constant veil of sadness even through laughter and good times. But there is laughter and good times, that is saying something. 11 months ago, heck 10, 9 and even 8 months ago there was no laughter and good times, none, zero!!

My family survived 4 months without me, I thought I was irreplaceable?? Well now that enough time has passed I'm learning their survival skills are a bit lacking. For instance Shannon shared with me that Kelsey basically did what she wanted all summer and dad had absolutely no clue where she went or what time she came home. Why did Shannon share this information? Well not because she was a concerned big sister but she felt slighted that this was her summer to fly free, not Kelsey's she was still in high school. After completing your first year of college it is the right of passage in the Murphy Mansion that you get to stay out later and not have your parents breathing down your neck.

I have preached from day one that Lauren needs normalcy in order to return to an independent life. What exactly is normalcy? Well the Murphy definition is not exactly textbook "Normal." Is it normal to pluck ones eyebrows and apply lip gloss while someone is in a coma? Is it normal to apply fresh lipstick before every PT session to help with balance?  We may not be a conventional bunch but it works for us. We have learned so much about the power of prayer, family and love and devotion over this journey.

As a mother I often stand back in awe at the way my kids have carried themselves throughout this family crisis.Each and every one of them is so amazingly strong and unique. In the first 6-8 weeks after Lauren's accident I was not emotionally strong enough to be present for my other 6 kids or even my husband for that matter. Never in million years would I have thought I was the type to go A wall on my family...but I did. I'm not proud of that fact but its true.

Things are much easier now but still tough at the same time. My physical exhaustion is now gone. Lauren is capable of bathing, dressing and feeding herself these days but she is still far from total independence.  Most days I am amazed at her determination and spirit. Some days I am quite frankly just sad. These sad days normally follow some of the best days. Days where she makes great progress I am flying high, why can't I just be thankful for those days vs analyzing the parts of those days that still showed that my precious daughter still has a very injured brain. Why can't I focus on the fact that she still has her incredible fashion sense when we go shopping vs the fact that at the end of the trip she calls me "Jason."  They removed the portion of her brain that controls the ability to understand as well as speak language. The fact that she can say anything that makes sense is a miracle!  The right side of her brain is slowly making up for what she lost. God is good. My faith is in tact and I have no other choice but to believe things will continue to improve.

As much as I love the fact that she loves to cuddle and I get so many great hugs I long for the day I can take her to the airport with her two suitcases just like I did a few years back when she spread her wings for a life in NYC. Its funny that my goal is to kick her out of the nest but as much as I want to smother her and keep her safe, I know she will never truly be happy here.

Dave and I had all these kids on blind faith. We really couldn't afford having babies every other year but we had faith in God that things would work out. We lived on buttered noodles and when we splurged and got McDonald's, the kids always had to share a soda and one large fry. The positive in that is that they learned to share or an even better lesson was they learned how to outsmart each other on who got the most fries. Survival skills at their finest.

I remember once when Shannon was around 8, one of her soccer friends was with us and we were ordering food at McDonald's. Her friend ordered a happy meal with a vanilla shake, I could tell by the look on Shannon's face she was petrified I would tell her friend that Murphy's don't order shakes. Instead I turned to Shannon and asked her if she would like a shake too? Chocolate or Vanilla? I'll never forget the look of relief on that cute little freckled face. I never wanted my kids to feel embarrassed that we couldn't afford things their friends had. That was one of the few moments as a parent where I felt I really got it right. (She probably doesn't even remember that stellar parenting move)

Now my new struggle is my younger kids trying to keeping a sense of normalcy. I can't go to a soccer game when its cold because Lauren wont do well. Having sleep overs isn't the best idea because Lauren wakes up so early an I don't want to listen to giggling girls all night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in life there are always roadblocks, learning to navigate around them is the key to success. Life is what you make it. Some days I would love to spend the day in my bed crying for what used to be. Who does that help? Every person on this planet is fighting some type of battle. The biggest lesson I have learned is that things are not always what they appear. People tend to reveal only what they want you to see. Sometimes the happiest people are fighting the biggest battles. I choose to be one of those happy people...OK I just wrote a whole post on how unhappy I am....SO IRONIC!  OK so starting today that is me! HA!

And no worries Kelsey, I will be home all summer this year. I will be on you like flies on sh&%!