I was walking through Target this week and I had an epiphany...I know you are all dying to hear what brilliant epiphany I came up with? Okay, maybe it wasn't and actual epiphany but more like a thought. I was walking past the little girls department and the clothes were so cute ,I thought  to myself that I wish that I would have had the money to buy whatever caught my eye when my girls were little. I used to get bags of hand me downs from friends and friends of friends and it was awesome but I always wished I could afford more.Then I remembered the lyrics to that Kenny Loggins song that I used to sing all the time back in the day;

And even though we ain't got money,
I'm so in love with you, honey,
And everything will bring a chain of love.

     Dave and I laugh looking back, we didn't plan all this chaos. We have heard it all, "You know what causes that?" "Maybe you should get the TV fixed?" Ever think about getting cable?" I am so thankful we didn't figure out what caused that, we didn't fix the TV and we didn't get cable. I may not have been able to afford cute Target outfits for my girls  (luckily both grandmas liked to shop) but somehow we raised some pretty amazing kids.

     Besides, if we had money and would have started a college fund, I guarantee none of these kids would have went to college. It's Murphy's law, didn't I marry a Murphy? One of Dave's favorite things he likes to tell me is, "Ya know Col, you don't have to spend money every single day." I always laugh and say, "Don't be silly honey, of course I do.  I have to make up for the '90's when I was busy spitting out your precious offspring every other year instead of shopping."

      Building a family is tough, I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Did I give my kids enough love, attention, time, things, nutrition, sunscreen (sorry Shannon), the list goes on and on. The short answer is probably no AND yes. Could I have done better? I'm sure I could have; could I have done worse? Most definitely.

     Lucky for me, I didn't know how hard of a job being a parent was going to be. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have most likely spent the 90's on three different forms of birth control as well as abstinence just to be on the safe side. I used to have a plaque hanging in my kitchen that said, "Raising kids is like being pecked by a chicken." That was my favorite quote for a while until I came across the quote, "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree." I never could bring myself to hang that one on the wall. I was too busy crying!

     I still have two teenagers to go and I'm terrified. So far so good. These two have been through so much. It's hard enough to be a kid these days but throw in a sister with a super sad set of circumstances and a mom who isn't even in the same state and it's sink or swim. I hope and pray that I have given them enough to not only swim but to fly. Lucky for them they have an awesome dad and some pretty terrific siblings who are dealing with the same issues and sadness.

     For the first half of my married life I spent so much time wishing I had more. More designer clothes, a nicer car, a bigger house, a bigger paycheck, etc. Through the years things got better and I actually got all of those things that I longed for. I now have a bigger house, designer clothes, a bigger bank account etc. But the jokes on me....I always had everything I needed. It wasn't about what I didn't have it was always what I DID have.  I was too stupid to see that. I had a husband who adored me and worked his ass off going to school and work so he could give me everything that I always wanted. But the thing is, I already had everything I needed. 

     What I wouldn't give to be living back in that tiny house in Overland with my piles of laundry, dirty dishes, (no dishwasher) dirty diapers, fingerprinted walls and sticky kitchen table. Who would have thought that feeling like I was being pecked by a chicken could be so absolutely wonderful?

     Grief is a funny thing, it never goes away, I mean EVER. When will I feel better? Why can't I ever just be happy? These are questions that I ask myself every day. I am always incredibly thankful for what I  have but at the same time I can't shake this awful grief and sadness that has me in a strangle hold. I just came home from a great family vacation in the Caribbean, what more could I want? To be honest, all I want is for Lauren to have the ability to jump up on stage and sing Karaoke with her sisters or for her to have the ability to fully enjoy vacation and bitch and moan when someone gets on her nerves (like she used to)  like the rest of us did for 7 days.

   Dave and I took Lauren to a restaurant in Puerto Rico because she was starving and just couldn't go to another shop until she ate. The rest of the kids went on ahead sight seeing and Dave and I found a restaurant so she could eat. I was feeling sorry for myself because I wanted to explore Puerto Rico, our cruise ship was only at port for a few hours, we were very limited on time. As we were sitting at the table Lauren looked at us and said, "You two are so supportive,  I really appreciate you both." She gets it, she really does. Those are the "aha" moments that I need, they give me the ability to keep pushing forward. I have to believe that she will continue to get better and keep fighting to get her life back.

     But things are still hard, for instance last weekend we spent 6 hours in a crowded airport. Lauren was tired of sitting in one place and finally grabbed her purse and said, "I'm leaving." We had 4 comfy seats saved together for Dave, Maggie, Lauren and myself. I knew that if we got up and moved we would never find 4 seats together again. I had two choices, get aggravated and treat her like a 2 year old in a crowded airport, or somehow try and find a way for her to understand our dilemma. Dave suggested we move to appease her and I told him to stay in his spot I will take care of it. My first gut reaction was to get her in a less crowded spot and scold her for being difficult. I was tired after a long vacation with a lot of Murphys and a difficult TBI survivor who isn't always able to go with the flow. 
 
    Walking away from my spot I felt my anger and frustration subsiding, maybe it was God reminding me of how I was lucky to be on vacation with my daughter versus visiting her grave. How many mothers that have lost their children would kill to be arguing with their children in a crowded airport? Somehow after a few minutes of walking around the airport and showing her the limited places for a change of scenery she was able to calm down and go back to our original seats to wait out the time until our flight would leave.

     I truly enjoy every minute that I get to spend with Lauren, I am well aware of what a gift her life is. For some reason her life was spared and for that I am so thankful. But what I can't get past is what was lost, I am so sad for her. Is she aware of what she used to be? I really don't even know. I see all of her friends going on with life and I wonder if she will ever really have the ability to truly love life again? Or will I? I often see girls in public places that remind me of Lauren pre-accident. Blonde, beautiful, chic, confident and I want to scream. I will never understand why this happened to my daughter.

     Life goes on and things change, my kids are all growing up and doing great things. I am so happy for all that they are and all that they do. I just wish I didn't always have such a veil of sadness over every positive thing they accomplish, that is not fair to them they deserve a happy mom.

     Dave and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, who would have thought those two crazy kids would have made it? When I stood on the altar of All Souls Church 25 years ago, I never in a million years  thought about what it meant to love, honor and cherish through sickness and in health for richer or for poorer etc,  I think I was more worried about not tripping on my train and how my hair and make-up looked. Maybe that's what most 20 year old brides think about or maybe I was just a bit more shallow than the average bride?  Regardless, we have been blessed with a happy marriage and share a mutual respect for each other.

    Scratch what I just said...my family just got home and Dave is crabby. Not even sure if I still like him.... Too much family togetherness at a soccer game tonight I guess? Looks like I got the better deal staying home with Lauren watching Miss Congeniality.

     Life isn't always easy but living is beautiful and I will be forever grateful for everything that I still have regardless of what has been lost. I am even thankful for my crab ass husband,  I look forward to the future with him sitting in a lawn chair squirting neighborhood kids with a hose when they step on his grass.
   
   
   

Life is messy deal with it. That is my latest and greatest epiphany in my search for wisdom and understanding.

Five years ago if someone would have asked me to reflect upon my life I would have probably answered, “I am very blessed, I love my family and feel like they are my greatest life accomplishment. Financially we are in a good place and we have been able to put our kids through private schools and we feel very lucky.” Although that statement is completely true there are lots of things missing in that tidy little “perfect” assessment.

For instance, sometimes I would like to choke my family. Raising teenagers is the hardest thing in the world. Every time they leave the house you hope and pray they make good decisions. The reality is that even though they are good kids, chances are they are sitting in someone’s basement playing beer pong every Friday night and on Saturday God only knows what they are doing.  They keep their grades up, act respectful, go to work and school and are pretty good kids. But even pretty good kids do stupid things and have to mature the hard way over years of stupid decisions and mistakes.(just as we did)  As parents our role is to make it as hard as possible for them to get away with such behaviors but to also be there to pick up the pieces when they fall.

I look at moms with little kids and cant help but smile and laugh to myself while remembering those days. I had seven kids under the age of 14 and thought that was really tough. Reflecting back I know that those days were a breeze compared to what was to come. It’s a right of passage, all parents deal with teenagers but seven??? What in the hell was I thinking?

The biggest lesson I have learned is not to sweat the small stuff. Every eye roll every shoulder shrug and every bit of attitude I received from my oldest two kids I took as a personal attack. I mean come on..I do so much for these ungrateful creatures and all I get in return is bad attitude. I don’t deserve this. Why don’t they treat their father this way? And speaking of their father, why can’t he understand how awful they treat me. Instead he says, “Just ignore it.” IS HE KIDDING ME? He is with them 10 minutes every day, easy for him to say.

Now that I am on my last two teenagers I actually laugh when I get eye rolls, bad attitude and even a little back talk. I have learned to laugh and say “Honey, you are awfully sassy today.” Why couldn’t I have learned that technique 15 years ago? I guess my biggest lesson I took away from those awful teenage years is that I will take eye rolls over beer pong any day.

Which brings me to the present, if someone would ask me today to reflect on my life, I would probably say; “I am very blessed, I love my family and feel like they are my greatest life accomplishment. Financially we are in a good place and we have been able to put our kids through private schools and we feel very lucky.”

So you see, as much as life has changed it really hasn’t. Of course there are several layers that have not been revealed in that statement. So much has changed in five years but so much has also stayed the same. Change is constant and there is absolutely nothing that we can do to stop it. But what we can do is focus on all the positives in life and what we are truly thankful for.

I don’t care who you are, you will always have things in your life that make you sad. Sometimes it is harder to find things to make you happy in times of despair but they are there, often times they are in plain sight.

I remember in one of my darkest days when my daughter was fighting for her life, her brain surgeon said to me, “Right now we are dealing with many negatives, I am searching for the positives to give you. They are there, but we are going to have to dig deep to find them,” It was his way of saying how grave things were but that there was still hope. It was the beam of light in my darkest day that I needed and I am forever grateful for his positive attitude.

So here is my infinite wisdom in a nutshell. Life is messy, I don’t care who you are. Spending time looking at others lives and wishing yours was that carefree is a waste of time. You never know what battles they face. You have but one life, no matter how unfair your life circumstances are or who is to blame for your set of circumstances it doesn’t matter. Suck it up, hold your head high and enjoy your messy life because it is brilliant and it is yours and more importantly it is still moving and changing. The best is yet to come.