Maybe it's my new routine of getting up every morning at 4:30 and then every half hour thereafter until I finally give in and get up at 6:00, or maybe its the fact that Dave has been out of town all week but tonight I feel like I'm all alone in this battle. What a crazy notion? Our Caring Bridge Site has hit over half a million views, our support system is huge and still growing in numbers.

Today I am willing to sell my soul to the devil if he would just give Lauren her old life back. I think Kelsey thinks I AM the devil....my patience with small teenage annoyances is extremely thin. Ryan has strep throat and has been home from school for three days. By this afternoon he was feeling better and was on my very last nerve. I was upstairs guarding the open balcony (the men were working on the house) to keep Lauren safe and was more than tempted to throw Ryan over that same balcony. I realized I spelled Kelsey's name wrong on the 160 Christmas cards I ordered.(adds character to the card if you ask me) Maggie had to study for a big test and I didn't have the emotional strength to even help her study. I couldn't bring myself to quiz her when all I wanted to do was take a hot bath (Ryan used all the hot water) and go lay in the fetal position and have a good cry. (it's been a while, I'm due)

Lauren is getting annoyed with therapy and hasn't been cooperating 100%, she has soldiered through for the most part but its obvious she doesn't want to be there. Her inability to understand and speak words is called Aphasia. I have googled that word 4 thousand times. I hate that word. I watch her in social situations try to fake her way through conversations. She has her standard phrases. Hi, How Are You? I'm good, perfect, thank you, Excuse Me.

When she talks with someone not in her inner circle she interjects whatever response she feels works. For example, someone told her this weekend she was pretty to which she responded, "I Know".  It made us laugh but inside I wanted to cry because I knew. I knew she was trying so hard to appear "normal." Often times I think she understands everything I am saying to her and other times I feel like she has no clue. As my beautiful brilliant oldest daughter pointed out on Saturday, even though she is "faking " her way through, it is good because she is finding ways to cope.


The picture above is of our Christmas card photo shoot on Thanksgiving. Notice the sunbeam covering Lauren's right side of her head, I choose to believe that is a divine presence helping heal Lauren's brain. Her injury was primarily on the left,  the right side is trying to relearn everything that was lost that the left controlled. Faith is a funny thing, I can believe so strongly one minute and then the next I am ready to sell my soul for a quick fix. I have been so mad at God I made a conscience effort to avoid church the last two weeks. I'm sure I gave myself some excellent excuse but really there is no valid excuse. I was given a miracle on a silver platter and I was too mad to pull myself together for church? Who do I think I am?

Tomorrow is a new day and a wise friend I met on this journey once told me "The sun will come up tomorrow with new hope for the day."  Funny that the forecast calls for sleet and snow tomorrow....just kidding I'm not that much of a Debbie Downer. Tomorrow is a new day and things are looking up. Ryan's fever free and going back to school.  Dave is coming home tomorrow and I'm pissed at Kelsey so who really cares that I spelled her name wrong??

 Just Kidding I love you Klesley.

The new normal. I have heard this phrase before, I now live  this phrase. Do I have to like my new Normal? 

When you become an adult you feel as if you have complete control of your destiny. Make good choices and life will be full of love and laughter. Ya da, yada, yada.

As a person of faith you have no other choice but to trust in God. But what happens if your faith is being tested in ways that are not fair?

Faith teaches you that you have received a miracle and your precious daughter is slowly recovering from injuries that were so severe that no one including the medical professionals believed it could happen. 

Logically one can look behind as well as ahead and see the bright light of hope and healing. But unfortunately a mothers heart isn't always full of logic. 

The world of TBI'S is strange one. Each new day brings a whole new set of emotions. Finding humor has been a godsend but not always so simple. 

Being able to laugh when your daughter gets a manicure in the morning and still thinks her nails are wet at 8pm and refuses to touch anything in fear of messing up her polish is funny. 

Wrestling with your 26 year old daughter to take a shower and then comforting her in her confusion as she sobs in such a vulnerable state is far from funny. 

Why did this happen to us?  As a believer it's hard to understand. Some days I feel beyond blessed. I get to fall in love with my baby twice as her new self emerges. Other times I grieve for what was lost. I see her friends engagement announcements on Facebook and wonder if she will ever be engaged? I feel as if I continue to grieve for what could have been. Why can't I just be thankful??

The support my family has received is too much to even comprehend. I will never be able to repay the kindness and generosity from family, friends and strangers. 

So many people have told me what an inspiration I  am. That makes me laugh.  I am the furthest thing from inspirational.  I am just a mom trying my best to hold it together. I am far from an inspiration. The true inspiration is the family and friends that always get my other kids to and from school and soccer and social events so I can continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

The families that cheer extra loud at Kelsey's cross country meets as she crosses the finish line without her parents on the side line or the families that delivered meals every week or the mom that put money on my kids lunch cards after Lauren's accident or the movie, food or ice cream gift cards that make life easier and still seem to show up out of thin air. The family who had the connection at Loyola that so graciously gave me a place to stay in Chicago. The supporters that haven't given up and continue to pray for us daily. That is inspirational!

The inspiration is the unbelievably huge safety net that surrounds this huge crazy Murphy clan that always seems to catch us when we fall. And we do fall....we fall often....but we always get back up. Murphy's don't quit!

As my faith is shaken it is still in tact and  am thankful to my loving parents for giving me the gift of faith and church. I may not have always appreciated the sacrifice they made in sending me to catholic schools but am truly blessed to have had the opportunity that laid the foundation for a deeper faith that has saved me thus far. 

So here's to you Murphy safety net....you know who you are. Thank You, Thank You. The true inspiration.

Two more weeks….I still need to pinch myself. Two short weeks from today I will be pulling in my very on driveway with my beautiful daughter in tow. This is nothing short of a miracle. I could share all the miraculous stories that we have experienced beginning  April 19^th and  leading  up until today, instead I will just save that for the movie.  Side note….I think Heather Locklear would be the perfect “Colleen”.

One of my high school friends was visiting this weekend and took many items from my apartment back home to St. Louis so I wouldn’t have so much stuff to pack. I opened the closet in my bedroom to gather all my extra bedding to pack and saw Lauren’s pink sweater hanging in the corner. My heart skipped a beat. When I was in Los Angeles I held that sweater in my hands and kept my face buried in the scent of Lauren for the first few weeks.  One of her co workers packed up her hotel room and brought me her suitcase after the accident. I desperately needed something that smelled like her to hold. I rooted all through that suitcase looking for something that she had worn. Ironically ¾ of the clothes in her suitcase still had tags attached.(like mother like daughter)

That pink sweater was a great source of comfort  to me as I spent so many days in that blue vinyl recliner in the corner of her ICU room. I can’t even imagine how many tears were shed on that sweater. Opening that closet today and seeing that sweater was yet another small triumph for me.

This week was one of our best weeks yet. Lauren is starting to show more and more signs of herself. I can’t even put into words the elation I feel when I am helping Lauren move from one place to another and she leans in to give me an unsolicited kiss or a tight left handed hug. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a long, long road ahead to get my girl back to independence but wow what a journey we are on.

I have tried to look at our road to recovery in terms of a pregnancy. (I have lots of expertise in that area) I think of  Laurens current stage of recovery as the equivalent of the beginning of the second trimester. The second trimester is when you begin to feel that precious life move inside of you? To me it is like I am watching Lauren’s precious brain begin to develop just like an unborn baby. I am beyond grateful that I am receiving this gift twice. God is good!