Maybe it's my new routine of getting up every morning at 4:30 and then every half hour thereafter until I finally give in and get up at 6:00, or maybe its the fact that Dave has been out of town all week but tonight I feel like I'm all alone in this battle. What a crazy notion? Our Caring Bridge Site has hit over half a million views, our support system is huge and still growing in numbers.

Today I am willing to sell my soul to the devil if he would just give Lauren her old life back. I think Kelsey thinks I AM the devil....my patience with small teenage annoyances is extremely thin. Ryan has strep throat and has been home from school for three days. By this afternoon he was feeling better and was on my very last nerve. I was upstairs guarding the open balcony (the men were working on the house) to keep Lauren safe and was more than tempted to throw Ryan over that same balcony. I realized I spelled Kelsey's name wrong on the 160 Christmas cards I ordered.(adds character to the card if you ask me) Maggie had to study for a big test and I didn't have the emotional strength to even help her study. I couldn't bring myself to quiz her when all I wanted to do was take a hot bath (Ryan used all the hot water) and go lay in the fetal position and have a good cry. (it's been a while, I'm due)

Lauren is getting annoyed with therapy and hasn't been cooperating 100%, she has soldiered through for the most part but its obvious she doesn't want to be there. Her inability to understand and speak words is called Aphasia. I have googled that word 4 thousand times. I hate that word. I watch her in social situations try to fake her way through conversations. She has her standard phrases. Hi, How Are You? I'm good, perfect, thank you, Excuse Me.

When she talks with someone not in her inner circle she interjects whatever response she feels works. For example, someone told her this weekend she was pretty to which she responded, "I Know".  It made us laugh but inside I wanted to cry because I knew. I knew she was trying so hard to appear "normal." Often times I think she understands everything I am saying to her and other times I feel like she has no clue. As my beautiful brilliant oldest daughter pointed out on Saturday, even though she is "faking " her way through, it is good because she is finding ways to cope.


The picture above is of our Christmas card photo shoot on Thanksgiving. Notice the sunbeam covering Lauren's right side of her head, I choose to believe that is a divine presence helping heal Lauren's brain. Her injury was primarily on the left,  the right side is trying to relearn everything that was lost that the left controlled. Faith is a funny thing, I can believe so strongly one minute and then the next I am ready to sell my soul for a quick fix. I have been so mad at God I made a conscience effort to avoid church the last two weeks. I'm sure I gave myself some excellent excuse but really there is no valid excuse. I was given a miracle on a silver platter and I was too mad to pull myself together for church? Who do I think I am?

Tomorrow is a new day and a wise friend I met on this journey once told me "The sun will come up tomorrow with new hope for the day."  Funny that the forecast calls for sleet and snow tomorrow....just kidding I'm not that much of a Debbie Downer. Tomorrow is a new day and things are looking up. Ryan's fever free and going back to school.  Dave is coming home tomorrow and I'm pissed at Kelsey so who really cares that I spelled her name wrong??

 Just Kidding I love you Klesley.

The new normal. I have heard this phrase before, I now live  this phrase. Do I have to like my new Normal? 

When you become an adult you feel as if you have complete control of your destiny. Make good choices and life will be full of love and laughter. Ya da, yada, yada.

As a person of faith you have no other choice but to trust in God. But what happens if your faith is being tested in ways that are not fair?

Faith teaches you that you have received a miracle and your precious daughter is slowly recovering from injuries that were so severe that no one including the medical professionals believed it could happen. 

Logically one can look behind as well as ahead and see the bright light of hope and healing. But unfortunately a mothers heart isn't always full of logic. 

The world of TBI'S is strange one. Each new day brings a whole new set of emotions. Finding humor has been a godsend but not always so simple. 

Being able to laugh when your daughter gets a manicure in the morning and still thinks her nails are wet at 8pm and refuses to touch anything in fear of messing up her polish is funny. 

Wrestling with your 26 year old daughter to take a shower and then comforting her in her confusion as she sobs in such a vulnerable state is far from funny. 

Why did this happen to us?  As a believer it's hard to understand. Some days I feel beyond blessed. I get to fall in love with my baby twice as her new self emerges. Other times I grieve for what was lost. I see her friends engagement announcements on Facebook and wonder if she will ever be engaged? I feel as if I continue to grieve for what could have been. Why can't I just be thankful??

The support my family has received is too much to even comprehend. I will never be able to repay the kindness and generosity from family, friends and strangers. 

So many people have told me what an inspiration I  am. That makes me laugh.  I am the furthest thing from inspirational.  I am just a mom trying my best to hold it together. I am far from an inspiration. The true inspiration is the family and friends that always get my other kids to and from school and soccer and social events so I can continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

The families that cheer extra loud at Kelsey's cross country meets as she crosses the finish line without her parents on the side line or the families that delivered meals every week or the mom that put money on my kids lunch cards after Lauren's accident or the movie, food or ice cream gift cards that make life easier and still seem to show up out of thin air. The family who had the connection at Loyola that so graciously gave me a place to stay in Chicago. The supporters that haven't given up and continue to pray for us daily. That is inspirational!

The inspiration is the unbelievably huge safety net that surrounds this huge crazy Murphy clan that always seems to catch us when we fall. And we do fall....we fall often....but we always get back up. Murphy's don't quit!

As my faith is shaken it is still in tact and  am thankful to my loving parents for giving me the gift of faith and church. I may not have always appreciated the sacrifice they made in sending me to catholic schools but am truly blessed to have had the opportunity that laid the foundation for a deeper faith that has saved me thus far. 

So here's to you Murphy safety net....you know who you are. Thank You, Thank You. The true inspiration.

Two more weeks….I still need to pinch myself. Two short weeks from today I will be pulling in my very on driveway with my beautiful daughter in tow. This is nothing short of a miracle. I could share all the miraculous stories that we have experienced beginning  April 19^th and  leading  up until today, instead I will just save that for the movie.  Side note….I think Heather Locklear would be the perfect “Colleen”.

One of my high school friends was visiting this weekend and took many items from my apartment back home to St. Louis so I wouldn’t have so much stuff to pack. I opened the closet in my bedroom to gather all my extra bedding to pack and saw Lauren’s pink sweater hanging in the corner. My heart skipped a beat. When I was in Los Angeles I held that sweater in my hands and kept my face buried in the scent of Lauren for the first few weeks.  One of her co workers packed up her hotel room and brought me her suitcase after the accident. I desperately needed something that smelled like her to hold. I rooted all through that suitcase looking for something that she had worn. Ironically ¾ of the clothes in her suitcase still had tags attached.(like mother like daughter)

That pink sweater was a great source of comfort  to me as I spent so many days in that blue vinyl recliner in the corner of her ICU room. I can’t even imagine how many tears were shed on that sweater. Opening that closet today and seeing that sweater was yet another small triumph for me.

This week was one of our best weeks yet. Lauren is starting to show more and more signs of herself. I can’t even put into words the elation I feel when I am helping Lauren move from one place to another and she leans in to give me an unsolicited kiss or a tight left handed hug. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a long, long road ahead to get my girl back to independence but wow what a journey we are on.

I have tried to look at our road to recovery in terms of a pregnancy. (I have lots of expertise in that area) I think of  Laurens current stage of recovery as the equivalent of the beginning of the second trimester. The second trimester is when you begin to feel that precious life move inside of you? To me it is like I am watching Lauren’s precious brain begin to develop just like an unborn baby. I am beyond grateful that I am receiving this gift twice. God is good!

kitty cleveland

Today was a rough day for me. Lauren had surgery to have a shunt placed in her brain that will drain her cerebral fluid into her stomach. She has received yet another fabulous haircut. This was the first time I was alone during one of her surgeries. I would like to formally apologize to all the other families waiting at Northwestern for the weird lady sitting in the corner listening to church songs sobbing all morning and afternoon. One song in particular has become my theme song throughout this ordeal, I play it several times each day. Sometimes to remind me and other times to try and convince me.


I know this surgery was needed to further her progress but it is extremely hard to see Lauren go through yet another procedure. I try so hard to not get caught up in the personal pity party but I don't always succeed. Its amazing how attitudes can change so quickly. Just when I think there is no end in sight she will do something that shows me that cognitively she is coming back to me. Her peak time is normally after 7 pm. On nights that she does something new I often feel like I could fly home instead of walking. Other nights I feel like crawling.

I have had so much time in the last 8 weeks to think about all the time we have spent together in the last 25 years and more importantly all the mistakes that I have made. Why didn't I read to her more when she was little? We should have seen more movies, done more shopping trips, more pedicures more laughing less arguing. So many what ifs. I know I shouldn't do that to myself but I can't help it. Sitting in that surgical waiting room I felt compelled to run to Barnes and Noble and buy every children's book I could find so I could have a do over and read to her like I should have when she was little. Why didn't I make time then?

I do realize that reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to her  at 25 is completely insane. She has a brain injury, she is not an infant. I jut wish I could go back and right every wrong. The irony in that is that while I am wishing I could right every wrong for Lauren my other 6 kids are all sharing one teeny tiny little back burner. I am still trying to find the correct balance. So many of my closest friends as well as family are so busy grieving themselves that they are incapable of helping to lift the kids off that little burner and that is okay, it is not their responsibility it is mine. I will figure it out somehow. I can't keep putting a band aid over a gunshot wound. My whole family is in pain it's not about me.

There is no question that we have gotten a raw deal, the world for me is currently a dark place. I walk down the sidewalk every day in Chicago and probably pass at least a hundred people. I see the world differently now. I wonder if they can sense the pain and grief in my eyes behind my forced smile when I make eye contact with a stranger? Every night I pass several restaurants with outside seating. The laughter and chatter of the happy couples makes me cringe as I head home to my empty bed missing the strong arms of my husband and the good night cuddles from all my babies or the late night conversations from the end of my bed from Shannon and Kelsey when they get home from work. I even miss my stupid dog that pees on anything that isn't moving.

I used to write this blog to try and be funny and put a spin to normal every day problems that a mom would face with her teenagers. I can't wait for the day I can find laughter in my parenting problems.  I know that day will come but for now...please bear with me as I vent. It is much cheaper than therapy and I have always been one to air ALL of my dirty laundry as my family can all attest to, there are no secrets on this blog. If only I had a crystal ball to see where we will be this time next year. My hope is that it will involve some idiotic high school party with Ryan and a bottle of wine hidden in a soccer sock just like his big sister Erin used to do. I never thought I would be praying for stupid drunk teenagers again?

We are now officially settled in Chicago. We flew a private jet last Wednesday. Not exactly the way I had envisioned a private jet on my bucket list but a check mark is a check mark? Private jet is officially off the bucket list. This picture to the left is of Lauren tapping the entrance to the plane. I didn't even see her do it until I looked at the photo. She is definitely aware of more than we give her credit for.

RIC (rehab institute of Chicago) is very impressive. They have a very aggressive approach which I love. If Lauren has any chance at a full recovery it is RIC that can get her there. We should have a meeting at the end of the week with all the doctors and therapists involved in what their goals and expectations are. I am very nervous about this meeting. It is much easier to just believe she will be just fine. Logically I understand that I must face the facts and learn what the experts can tell me based on her CT scans, MRI's and progress thus far.Many areas of her brain have been damaged and this journey will not be easy.

That is what my head tells me, my heart on the other hand tells me that my girl will fight her butt off until she is better and back to her old life.

She has already made great improvements. She is unable to communicate the way she used to but little by little she is showing more awareness to her surroundings.They tell me this is normal and I am trying to be really patient. I am learning about traumatic brain injuries, "TBI"  I am trying not to compare our situation to every other TBI on record. The Murphy's are a competitive bunch and we of course expect our TBI story to be the quickest most complete recovery in the history of recoveries.....Is that too much to ask?

I am adapting to single life in Chi town. I have my own apartment and I walk to and from RIC every day. I pass Michigan Ave  twice a day and have not spent any money....okay, I can't lie... very little money. Dave should be really proud of me.

 No worries, once I am a little more comfortable with all the staff here, I will leave Lauren for a while and  I will be doing some much needed retail therapy. I don't think God would have sent Lauren to a rehab center so close to Michigan Ave if he didn't want me to shop? It's a sign from God. I just know it!!!!!

It is kind of strange coming home to an empty apartment every night. I miss all the Murphy chaos but it is nice to clear my head. I am also enjoying my alone time with Lauren.I know that once she recovers I will have to set her free back in the world. This will be tough for me as I want to keep her close and protect her from all the worlds dangers.

This goes against my parenting philosophies. I have raised my kids to be strong and independent and to go out in this world and get everything they ever wanted and more. This Murphy tenacity is what will get Lauren back on track and I will once again have to shove her out of the nest.

This journey has been tough  to date but we have soldiered through. I am so proud of my husband and son and daughters. They all have their own way to handle things. Each of them grieves differently but all of them come together to help the one who is having the roughest time.  The love they have for one another is very clear and is a proud feeling for a mom. Don't get me wrong, Shannon still berates Kelsey as if she is a complete idiot but there are little flashes of tenderness that shine through as well. We can't expect too many miracles can we?

I have now been at Cedars for  little over 5 weeks. It's funny how 5 weeks can feel like just a day as well as years all at the same time. You always hear that your life can change in an instant but never really stop to think that saying would apply to you.

In my old life, with the start of summer, I would be trying to plan my day around the optimal sun time. In my new life I catch a few rays on my daily cry out on the bench in the hospital patio where I allow myself to have no more than 20 minutes daily to feel sorry for myself. I use that time to go through the Why Me questions to God.

I have always been a very active on the go person. Relaxing wasn't something I really enjoyed or did. I wouldn't have had seven kids if I enjoyed quiet time. I know its crazy but I actually enjoyed the chaos that normally surrounds my day to day activities. I am trying to learn how to appreciate the quiet. Sometimes the silence is deafening.

I am using this time to write Lauren and my story.  I have always loved to write and have often talked to Lauren on how I wanted to write my story in hopes that it would help other girls faced with teenage pregnancy. She always encouraged me to begin writing our story but I just wasn't ready to relive the pain of my past.

I guess when facing the pain of the present reliving the past kind of seems like a cake walk.

 I am not always the best writer, my spelling/punctuation/grammar isn't always ivy league educated caliber but nonetheless I do enjoy writing. It is a good outlet for me.


In my perfect world we will have a moment like in the movie the Notebook when I read our story to her and she will look at me and be whole again. I know that is far fetched but at least it gives me something positive to do as I sit in her hospital room 14 hours a day waiting for her to move or show some sign of awareness of her surroundings.

I am hoping to be able to present to Lauren our love story when she is better because in my heart I believe she will get better. I have no other choice but to believe that. She is a fighter and my family needs their sister back. We miss her laugh, we miss her thoughtfulness with her texts and random gifts that show up in the mail. We miss her ridiculous lipstick shades and her pushiness and her drive and her love. We just miss everything that is Lauren Murphy.

I think the staff here thinks that we have lost our minds. She has personalized hospital gowns, a hot pink blanket and colorful fancy socks. Her best friend Courtney always puts on her lip gloss and gives her weekly manicures.

I shaved her armpits and her legs last night and have been keeping up her perfectly groomed eyebrows. Once her hair grows back a bit more she will surely be due for a highlight. The highlight may be a bit harder to hide from the nurses but no worries, I'll find a way.

Surgery is scheduled for Friday and then hopefully we will be in Chicago by mid June at the latest. I have given 100% of my focus to Lauren since the accident and I have a husband and six other kids who need me as well. This is very difficult for me as I have always been there for everyone. I know my kids have been well cared for but its not the same. Once we get settled in Chicago I will be forced to find a balance of my two worlds. It wont be easy but it is needed. Murphys don't quit and I am no exception.

Thank you to everyone who has kept Lauren as well as the rest of my family in your prayers. She is making great strides and I firmly believe it is  due to all the prayers, love and support that we have received. The amount of love the Murphy's have received helps me continue to put one foot in front of the other.

April 19^th, 2013

My day started less than typical. I received an early morning call that Ryan and Maggie did not have school due to a bomb threat. The Boston Marathon bombings were just days before and they were taking all threats seriously. Even threats made by 12 year olds on Instagram.  I texted Lauren to let her know of the school bomb threat and to see if her boyfriend Eric’s family was OK. All of Boston was on lock down and he has family there. My text woke her up, she was in LA on business and had a two hour time difference. She called me and we talked briefly until I lost service in the hospital parking garage as I was headed to an early work meeting. I called her back and we chatted until I spotted my boss then I rushed her off the phone. I really wish I could have that phone call over again. I miss our daily morning chats.

Around 2:30 I left my office to try and get my required TB test read for work. I was driving down highway 40 when I received a call from an LA detective. He asked me what my relation was to Lauren Murphy. I thought, “What did she do?” She has a little bit of a wild streak, not normally illegal activity but…. you never know? She always likes to bend the rules a bit. He then went on to tell me that she was hit by a car while jogging and was taken to Cedars Sinai. I asked if she had head trauma and he assured me she didn’t and that she was ok but had some internal injuries. He gave me a few phone numbers for people at the hospital. I called Dave and he didn’t answer.

My shaky fingers dialed the hospital and spoke to the social worker. I again asked if she had head trauma and she told me that she indeed had a severe head injury. The trauma team had drilled holes in her skull to try and relieve the pressure. My head was spinning; this is the type of stuff that happens to other people…not the Murphy’s. I asked her if Lauren was going to die and her response was, “If you are asking if you need to fly out here, the answer is yes.”

Dave called back and I hysterically explained what was going on. I don’t think he fully understood the magnitude of the injury. I have dealt with critically injured patients as part of my job for several years. Not that it is the same as finding out your child is critically injured but at least I knew what we were dealing with. Dave immediately started finding flights and arranging a ride for us to the airport. I called a handful of loved ones as I was headed for home to pack.  Her neurosurgeon called me while I was driving home to let me know that they were taking Lauren to surgery to remove part of her skull. The pressure was too much for her.

Those first few hours after finding out are still pretty hazy. I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my head in my hands sobbing. I know this scared my little Maggie and I still feel bad about it. I am usually an emotionally strong person but on April 19^th I crumbled.

While we were waiting to board the plane I received a call that surgery was complete and they had to remove the whole left side of Lauren’s skull as well as a portion of her left front temporal lobe. “Did they really just tell me they removed part of my daughter’s brain?” I wanted to scream and cry and lay in the middle of the airport in the fetal position. I thought, “Oh dear God, what have I done to be punished this way?” I have always tried to be a good person but often times I stumble. I don’t steal, I don’t kill, I try to do good deeds…why, why am I being punished so. I felt like I failed my baby. Did God let this happen because I am not living according to his plan? I know that is silly and God is a loving God but those were my first thoughts. It is hard to have faith in God in your darkest hours. I guess that is why it is called faith.

I boarded the plane and prayed so hard that the plane would crash and put me out of my misery and I wouldn’t have to face the pain of watching my girl suffer. I know that is a selfish prayer because I have six other wonderful children that I wasn’t even thinking about but that is how dark I truly felt at that moment.

Dave had been to LA before so he knew his way around the airport. Thank God because I don’t even think I could have read a sign or comprehended directions. It seemed that the closer I got to Lauren the more terrified I became. My mother and my best friend were also with us on this journey. Our first issue was the rental car, Dave is a preferred member and normally gets to pick any car on the lot. Apparently the only cars on the lot after midnight are crazy muscle cars. So off we went in a Dodge Charger to Cedars Sinai.

The charge nurse asked me to call her when we arrived and she met me in the parking lot. I could tell by the look on her face it wasn’t good. She explained that Lauren was going to look different to try and prepare me a bit. Can you really prepare a mother to see her grown up strong, independent, beautiful girl clinging to life by a thread?

Her nurse started explaining all the different machines and monitors to try and give us something to focus on other than Lauren who was completely unrecognizable with the exception of her perfectly petite, beautiful nose. They had paged the doctor who was covering so he could come and talk to us. He arrived shortly after we did and explained that Lauren was extremely critical. Her brain was continuing to swell and “ IF”  she makes it we are looking at months and months of recovery. He added that she was the sickest patient in the whole hospital.

Poor Dave he had to sit down while the Doctor was speaking, he almost fainted. Those first few days are all a blur, I don’t remember a whole lot. I have been told that I was in the same clothes for four days and that I didn’t smell too good. The staff here told us that it would be a roller coaster. What I didn’t understand is how low the lows would actually be. In the beginning we had so many low points. Just when you thought you couldn’t get any lower, for example; her eye started swelling for no reason making us all believe it was due to increased brain swelling. Turns out it was just the position of her head. Another time her heart rate dropped to 27 and they put the pads on her chest to be prepared in case they needed a crash cart. I would get such an adrenaline rush during those lows that I would fall asleep immediately after for a few minutes. It almost felt as if I was fainting. That was when I knew I needed to go to the hotel to shower and rest an hour or so a day. I think my family was happy that I had come to that decision due to the fact that I hadn’t showered in 4 days.

We are currently past the critical phase of Lauren’s recovery. She is currently breathing on her own with the help of a little oxygen. She has some awake times, sometimes she looks focused and can follow my voice with her eyes, other times she stares blankly like she isn’t really there at all.

As a mom I have to believe that she is capable of a full recovery. It won’t be easy but if anyone can do this it is my girl. I almost lost her in my fourth month of pregnancy. Then she was born with issues and had an Abgar score of 3. This isn’t a wimpy kid. She is tough as nails…she runs marathons! She is the type of person that lights up a room. With hard work we will get that radiant girl back better and stronger than ever. I know it. #MurphysDontQuit

I Joined A Gym

My sister is getting married in June. I am one of her 14 bridesmaids....yes I said 14. Six of my fellow bridesmaids are my beautiful daughters. In an effort to not look  fat and ancient next to my fresh faced thin offspring, I joined a gym at the beginning of January. I also went back on my strict diet. It worked for me in the past when I wanted to lose weight for my 40th....OK maybe it only worked briefly because I managed to put all but 10 lbs of the 39 lost back on.

I started my diet on Jan 1st and joined the gym on Jan 11th. My membership came with a personal training session. I have a friend who is in a wedding in April so it helps to have a work out buddy. We scheduled our free personal training session with Greg for the following morning at 6 am. I was eager to get started.

Greg talked to us about our goals and eating habits and health histories. Then he took our measurements and weight. First off. I wold like to say...."your scale is wrong." I decided it would be best not to argue and seriously considered taking off all my clothes and asking for a do over.

Greg went through our numbers and proceeded to tell me that my body fat percentage was so bad in fact it wasn't even on the chart. The very poor column only went up so high. Thanks Greg....I appreciate that little tidbit of information!! By the way Greg....you look like you could drop a few pounds yourself....How did you get this job??????

I decided not to let my trainer Greg get in my way. I have been getting up every weekday morning at 5:20 to go to the gym. We are in our third week and have been going strong. We are not looking like super models yet....but we are well on our way.

Monday when I was working out an older gentleman came up to me and asked me how my "baby" was. I guess he could tell by the confused look on my face that I didn't have a baby. He said, "Oh I'm sorry, I have you confused with another blonde that comes here that has a baby." I thought....have you been talking to "Greg?" Apparently my body fat percentage makes me look like a new mom. I love this gym!!!!

They have other trainers that work with people in the gym. One female trainer looks to be around her late fifties or early sixties. She has jet black hair and looks as if she has spent her life working in the coal mines. She weighs about 85 lbs and to me looks gaunt and scrawny not muscular. She has kicked me off of machines twice...She will say, "Excuse me, do you mind moving? We only have one more set?" The first time it happened I thought, "that was rude but maybe they were in a hurry." The second time I got kicked off my machine because "they only had one more set to do." I should have said, "Sure, my time is obviously so much less important than yours, I couldn't possible have anything to do this morning." Instead I smiled and it came out like, "Sure, here you go."

I HATE THE GYM!!

Oh and I have a follow up appointment with Greg in the morning. I am getting on the scale naked this time!!!