Motherhood...The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

Motherhood…The most important job of all, what a gift in all it’s glory. I have done the gamut. Teenage single mother, happily married did it the right way, wedding first mother, stay at home mother, part time working mother, full time working mother and finally caretaker mother. I can honestly say each role is a gift and I still consider myself lucky.

Of all my years of experience I can say I fumbled through each role without a playbook and made many mistakes along the way. That is just part of motherhood, no matter what you do, you will always second guess yourself and beat yourself up for ways you think you could have done it better.

For instance; as a single mother I probably could have been more alert at 7:00 am vs laying in my bed with the covers over my head hoping and praying that if I didn’t move my toddler would lay back down and go back to sleep if she didn’t spot her 18 year old mother 4 feet from her crib desperately trying to cash in on her beauty sleep. Instead I would have scooped up that precious gift and soaked up all the morning kisses and happy smiles from that perfect ray of sunshine regardless of the time.

As a newlywed mother I would have been less envious of my friends that were graduating college and starting careers as I was knee deep in dirty diapers, spit up, laundry and sweat pants and appreciated that I had found my soul mate early and was truly living the dream even if that dream was disguised as a 900 square foot house full of dirty dishes, laundry, clutter and love.

As a stay at home mother I would have realized that having a kid wake up at 2:00 AM with a fever or washing ham chunks out of your toddlers hair after her sister vomited all over her while she was sleeping was actually  not as tragic as I thought because I had the privilege of staying home and not having to call a boss in the morning to let them know I couldn’t be there.

As a mom that worked part time I would have realized that it was a great opportunity to get away and that my children (contrary to what I believed) would not self-destruct without me.

As a working mother I would have not felt so guilty for all the class parties I missed that I didn’t for the older siblings. Or the lack of time I had to help with homework , instead I would realize I was actually teaching independence without even knowing it. Can we ever feel like we are getting it right?

And finally as a caretaker mother….wow where do I begin with the mistakes that I feel I have made on this role. Of all my roles this one is the scariest…. this is the one where you really just have to wing it. You can’t just modify your upbringing like with all the other roles.  The decisions you make can affect the health and well being of your child in ways that are unfair. Is it really necessary to make sure your daughter’s legs are shaved and eyebrows plucked and nails painted every week? 

Imagine how stupid I felt last September when she missed a dose of anti seizure medicine because I as her primary caretaker forgot to give it to her before I put her to bed. The next morning she had a seizure.  I don’t think the paramedics left our house that day saying, “Wow, her nails looked great.”

I guess what I’m saying is being a mother is tough, I mean really tough. But it is also wonderful and often times perfect. It's just not always easy to see how perfect it really is.

When your adult daughter calls you for advice it makes you beam with pride as if maybe they don’t feel like you spent their whole childhood making mistake after mistake and they actually look up to you a bit and value your opinion. When your high school aged son asks if you will sit next to him on the couch and snuggle? Maybe you actually did something right and raised a boy that respects women (like his father) and is never too big for hugs.

When your youngest child (who you feel you have failed the most due to current life circumstances,) has the screen on her phone set to a pic of the two of you instead of her friends, wow what a lucky mom to have such a sweet kid.

I may not have been handed a perfect life (who has?) and quite honestly often times I am consumed with grief at my current set of circumstances. I have been given a miracle and things are slowly improving whether I chose to see it or not.

I have said it before and I’ll keep saying it (until I make myself believe it) Life is truly about perception.  Keeping that glass half full and staying positive are the keys to my success.

It’s a gloomy day and I would love to spend it in bed with the covers over my head…. instead I am writing a blog post to talk myself into believing maybe I actually did an OK job raising these seven wonderful kids that God has entrusted in my care. Who am I to doubt His wisdom?

To all the moms  sitting at their kitchen table sipping their coffee wishing they wouldn't have screamed at their kids this morning for not packing their backpacks last night or for forgetting their field trip forms or for the moms stuck in traffic wishing they wouldn't have been so crabby before they left the house. Lighten up, for all you do wrong today you will get a thousand more things right!