kitty cleveland

Today was a rough day for me. Lauren had surgery to have a shunt placed in her brain that will drain her cerebral fluid into her stomach. She has received yet another fabulous haircut. This was the first time I was alone during one of her surgeries. I would like to formally apologize to all the other families waiting at Northwestern for the weird lady sitting in the corner listening to church songs sobbing all morning and afternoon. One song in particular has become my theme song throughout this ordeal, I play it several times each day. Sometimes to remind me and other times to try and convince me.


I know this surgery was needed to further her progress but it is extremely hard to see Lauren go through yet another procedure. I try so hard to not get caught up in the personal pity party but I don't always succeed. Its amazing how attitudes can change so quickly. Just when I think there is no end in sight she will do something that shows me that cognitively she is coming back to me. Her peak time is normally after 7 pm. On nights that she does something new I often feel like I could fly home instead of walking. Other nights I feel like crawling.

I have had so much time in the last 8 weeks to think about all the time we have spent together in the last 25 years and more importantly all the mistakes that I have made. Why didn't I read to her more when she was little? We should have seen more movies, done more shopping trips, more pedicures more laughing less arguing. So many what ifs. I know I shouldn't do that to myself but I can't help it. Sitting in that surgical waiting room I felt compelled to run to Barnes and Noble and buy every children's book I could find so I could have a do over and read to her like I should have when she was little. Why didn't I make time then?

I do realize that reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to her  at 25 is completely insane. She has a brain injury, she is not an infant. I jut wish I could go back and right every wrong. The irony in that is that while I am wishing I could right every wrong for Lauren my other 6 kids are all sharing one teeny tiny little back burner. I am still trying to find the correct balance. So many of my closest friends as well as family are so busy grieving themselves that they are incapable of helping to lift the kids off that little burner and that is okay, it is not their responsibility it is mine. I will figure it out somehow. I can't keep putting a band aid over a gunshot wound. My whole family is in pain it's not about me.

There is no question that we have gotten a raw deal, the world for me is currently a dark place. I walk down the sidewalk every day in Chicago and probably pass at least a hundred people. I see the world differently now. I wonder if they can sense the pain and grief in my eyes behind my forced smile when I make eye contact with a stranger? Every night I pass several restaurants with outside seating. The laughter and chatter of the happy couples makes me cringe as I head home to my empty bed missing the strong arms of my husband and the good night cuddles from all my babies or the late night conversations from the end of my bed from Shannon and Kelsey when they get home from work. I even miss my stupid dog that pees on anything that isn't moving.

I used to write this blog to try and be funny and put a spin to normal every day problems that a mom would face with her teenagers. I can't wait for the day I can find laughter in my parenting problems.  I know that day will come but for now...please bear with me as I vent. It is much cheaper than therapy and I have always been one to air ALL of my dirty laundry as my family can all attest to, there are no secrets on this blog. If only I had a crystal ball to see where we will be this time next year. My hope is that it will involve some idiotic high school party with Ryan and a bottle of wine hidden in a soccer sock just like his big sister Erin used to do. I never thought I would be praying for stupid drunk teenagers again?

We are now officially settled in Chicago. We flew a private jet last Wednesday. Not exactly the way I had envisioned a private jet on my bucket list but a check mark is a check mark? Private jet is officially off the bucket list. This picture to the left is of Lauren tapping the entrance to the plane. I didn't even see her do it until I looked at the photo. She is definitely aware of more than we give her credit for.

RIC (rehab institute of Chicago) is very impressive. They have a very aggressive approach which I love. If Lauren has any chance at a full recovery it is RIC that can get her there. We should have a meeting at the end of the week with all the doctors and therapists involved in what their goals and expectations are. I am very nervous about this meeting. It is much easier to just believe she will be just fine. Logically I understand that I must face the facts and learn what the experts can tell me based on her CT scans, MRI's and progress thus far.Many areas of her brain have been damaged and this journey will not be easy.

That is what my head tells me, my heart on the other hand tells me that my girl will fight her butt off until she is better and back to her old life.

She has already made great improvements. She is unable to communicate the way she used to but little by little she is showing more awareness to her surroundings.They tell me this is normal and I am trying to be really patient. I am learning about traumatic brain injuries, "TBI"  I am trying not to compare our situation to every other TBI on record. The Murphy's are a competitive bunch and we of course expect our TBI story to be the quickest most complete recovery in the history of recoveries.....Is that too much to ask?

I am adapting to single life in Chi town. I have my own apartment and I walk to and from RIC every day. I pass Michigan Ave  twice a day and have not spent any money....okay, I can't lie... very little money. Dave should be really proud of me.

 No worries, once I am a little more comfortable with all the staff here, I will leave Lauren for a while and  I will be doing some much needed retail therapy. I don't think God would have sent Lauren to a rehab center so close to Michigan Ave if he didn't want me to shop? It's a sign from God. I just know it!!!!!

It is kind of strange coming home to an empty apartment every night. I miss all the Murphy chaos but it is nice to clear my head. I am also enjoying my alone time with Lauren.I know that once she recovers I will have to set her free back in the world. This will be tough for me as I want to keep her close and protect her from all the worlds dangers.

This goes against my parenting philosophies. I have raised my kids to be strong and independent and to go out in this world and get everything they ever wanted and more. This Murphy tenacity is what will get Lauren back on track and I will once again have to shove her out of the nest.

This journey has been tough  to date but we have soldiered through. I am so proud of my husband and son and daughters. They all have their own way to handle things. Each of them grieves differently but all of them come together to help the one who is having the roughest time.  The love they have for one another is very clear and is a proud feeling for a mom. Don't get me wrong, Shannon still berates Kelsey as if she is a complete idiot but there are little flashes of tenderness that shine through as well. We can't expect too many miracles can we?