kitty cleveland

Today was a rough day for me. Lauren had surgery to have a shunt placed in her brain that will drain her cerebral fluid into her stomach. She has received yet another fabulous haircut. This was the first time I was alone during one of her surgeries. I would like to formally apologize to all the other families waiting at Northwestern for the weird lady sitting in the corner listening to church songs sobbing all morning and afternoon. One song in particular has become my theme song throughout this ordeal, I play it several times each day. Sometimes to remind me and other times to try and convince me.


I know this surgery was needed to further her progress but it is extremely hard to see Lauren go through yet another procedure. I try so hard to not get caught up in the personal pity party but I don't always succeed. Its amazing how attitudes can change so quickly. Just when I think there is no end in sight she will do something that shows me that cognitively she is coming back to me. Her peak time is normally after 7 pm. On nights that she does something new I often feel like I could fly home instead of walking. Other nights I feel like crawling.

I have had so much time in the last 8 weeks to think about all the time we have spent together in the last 25 years and more importantly all the mistakes that I have made. Why didn't I read to her more when she was little? We should have seen more movies, done more shopping trips, more pedicures more laughing less arguing. So many what ifs. I know I shouldn't do that to myself but I can't help it. Sitting in that surgical waiting room I felt compelled to run to Barnes and Noble and buy every children's book I could find so I could have a do over and read to her like I should have when she was little. Why didn't I make time then?

I do realize that reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to her  at 25 is completely insane. She has a brain injury, she is not an infant. I jut wish I could go back and right every wrong. The irony in that is that while I am wishing I could right every wrong for Lauren my other 6 kids are all sharing one teeny tiny little back burner. I am still trying to find the correct balance. So many of my closest friends as well as family are so busy grieving themselves that they are incapable of helping to lift the kids off that little burner and that is okay, it is not their responsibility it is mine. I will figure it out somehow. I can't keep putting a band aid over a gunshot wound. My whole family is in pain it's not about me.

There is no question that we have gotten a raw deal, the world for me is currently a dark place. I walk down the sidewalk every day in Chicago and probably pass at least a hundred people. I see the world differently now. I wonder if they can sense the pain and grief in my eyes behind my forced smile when I make eye contact with a stranger? Every night I pass several restaurants with outside seating. The laughter and chatter of the happy couples makes me cringe as I head home to my empty bed missing the strong arms of my husband and the good night cuddles from all my babies or the late night conversations from the end of my bed from Shannon and Kelsey when they get home from work. I even miss my stupid dog that pees on anything that isn't moving.

I used to write this blog to try and be funny and put a spin to normal every day problems that a mom would face with her teenagers. I can't wait for the day I can find laughter in my parenting problems.  I know that day will come but for now...please bear with me as I vent. It is much cheaper than therapy and I have always been one to air ALL of my dirty laundry as my family can all attest to, there are no secrets on this blog. If only I had a crystal ball to see where we will be this time next year. My hope is that it will involve some idiotic high school party with Ryan and a bottle of wine hidden in a soccer sock just like his big sister Erin used to do. I never thought I would be praying for stupid drunk teenagers again?