April 19^th, 2013

My day started less than typical. I received an early morning call that Ryan and Maggie did not have school due to a bomb threat. The Boston Marathon bombings were just days before and they were taking all threats seriously. Even threats made by 12 year olds on Instagram.  I texted Lauren to let her know of the school bomb threat and to see if her boyfriend Eric’s family was OK. All of Boston was on lock down and he has family there. My text woke her up, she was in LA on business and had a two hour time difference. She called me and we talked briefly until I lost service in the hospital parking garage as I was headed to an early work meeting. I called her back and we chatted until I spotted my boss then I rushed her off the phone. I really wish I could have that phone call over again. I miss our daily morning chats.

Around 2:30 I left my office to try and get my required TB test read for work. I was driving down highway 40 when I received a call from an LA detective. He asked me what my relation was to Lauren Murphy. I thought, “What did she do?” She has a little bit of a wild streak, not normally illegal activity but…. you never know? She always likes to bend the rules a bit. He then went on to tell me that she was hit by a car while jogging and was taken to Cedars Sinai. I asked if she had head trauma and he assured me she didn’t and that she was ok but had some internal injuries. He gave me a few phone numbers for people at the hospital. I called Dave and he didn’t answer.

My shaky fingers dialed the hospital and spoke to the social worker. I again asked if she had head trauma and she told me that she indeed had a severe head injury. The trauma team had drilled holes in her skull to try and relieve the pressure. My head was spinning; this is the type of stuff that happens to other people…not the Murphy’s. I asked her if Lauren was going to die and her response was, “If you are asking if you need to fly out here, the answer is yes.”

Dave called back and I hysterically explained what was going on. I don’t think he fully understood the magnitude of the injury. I have dealt with critically injured patients as part of my job for several years. Not that it is the same as finding out your child is critically injured but at least I knew what we were dealing with. Dave immediately started finding flights and arranging a ride for us to the airport. I called a handful of loved ones as I was headed for home to pack.  Her neurosurgeon called me while I was driving home to let me know that they were taking Lauren to surgery to remove part of her skull. The pressure was too much for her.

Those first few hours after finding out are still pretty hazy. I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my head in my hands sobbing. I know this scared my little Maggie and I still feel bad about it. I am usually an emotionally strong person but on April 19^th I crumbled.

While we were waiting to board the plane I received a call that surgery was complete and they had to remove the whole left side of Lauren’s skull as well as a portion of her left front temporal lobe. “Did they really just tell me they removed part of my daughter’s brain?” I wanted to scream and cry and lay in the middle of the airport in the fetal position. I thought, “Oh dear God, what have I done to be punished this way?” I have always tried to be a good person but often times I stumble. I don’t steal, I don’t kill, I try to do good deeds…why, why am I being punished so. I felt like I failed my baby. Did God let this happen because I am not living according to his plan? I know that is silly and God is a loving God but those were my first thoughts. It is hard to have faith in God in your darkest hours. I guess that is why it is called faith.

I boarded the plane and prayed so hard that the plane would crash and put me out of my misery and I wouldn’t have to face the pain of watching my girl suffer. I know that is a selfish prayer because I have six other wonderful children that I wasn’t even thinking about but that is how dark I truly felt at that moment.

Dave had been to LA before so he knew his way around the airport. Thank God because I don’t even think I could have read a sign or comprehended directions. It seemed that the closer I got to Lauren the more terrified I became. My mother and my best friend were also with us on this journey. Our first issue was the rental car, Dave is a preferred member and normally gets to pick any car on the lot. Apparently the only cars on the lot after midnight are crazy muscle cars. So off we went in a Dodge Charger to Cedars Sinai.

The charge nurse asked me to call her when we arrived and she met me in the parking lot. I could tell by the look on her face it wasn’t good. She explained that Lauren was going to look different to try and prepare me a bit. Can you really prepare a mother to see her grown up strong, independent, beautiful girl clinging to life by a thread?

Her nurse started explaining all the different machines and monitors to try and give us something to focus on other than Lauren who was completely unrecognizable with the exception of her perfectly petite, beautiful nose. They had paged the doctor who was covering so he could come and talk to us. He arrived shortly after we did and explained that Lauren was extremely critical. Her brain was continuing to swell and “ IF”  she makes it we are looking at months and months of recovery. He added that she was the sickest patient in the whole hospital.

Poor Dave he had to sit down while the Doctor was speaking, he almost fainted. Those first few days are all a blur, I don’t remember a whole lot. I have been told that I was in the same clothes for four days and that I didn’t smell too good. The staff here told us that it would be a roller coaster. What I didn’t understand is how low the lows would actually be. In the beginning we had so many low points. Just when you thought you couldn’t get any lower, for example; her eye started swelling for no reason making us all believe it was due to increased brain swelling. Turns out it was just the position of her head. Another time her heart rate dropped to 27 and they put the pads on her chest to be prepared in case they needed a crash cart. I would get such an adrenaline rush during those lows that I would fall asleep immediately after for a few minutes. It almost felt as if I was fainting. That was when I knew I needed to go to the hotel to shower and rest an hour or so a day. I think my family was happy that I had come to that decision due to the fact that I hadn’t showered in 4 days.

We are currently past the critical phase of Lauren’s recovery. She is currently breathing on her own with the help of a little oxygen. She has some awake times, sometimes she looks focused and can follow my voice with her eyes, other times she stares blankly like she isn’t really there at all.

As a mom I have to believe that she is capable of a full recovery. It won’t be easy but if anyone can do this it is my girl. I almost lost her in my fourth month of pregnancy. Then she was born with issues and had an Abgar score of 3. This isn’t a wimpy kid. She is tough as nails…she runs marathons! She is the type of person that lights up a room. With hard work we will get that radiant girl back better and stronger than ever. I know it. #MurphysDontQuit