I have had trouble sleeping all week. Normally I could fall asleep on the kitchen table. This week has been different. I guess its because I only have a few days left to reminisce about what I was doing last year at this time. Come April 19th my last year memories will all be post accident. It's funny how your life can be separated in time frames, kind of like, old testament vs new testament. For me its like carefree vs the weight of the world. Only I never realized I was carefree.

Last year at this time I was too busy with things that I thought were important to really stop and look at what really was. I stayed home with my kids through most of my adult life, only finding a job when Maggie was in pre school. Imagine my surprise when an actual career path landed in my lap in Nov of 2008. I was really proud of what I accomplished in a few years. I was doing a job that I loved and was promoted twice. The best part was that I knew my husband and kids (the ones that were old enough to "get it") were proud of me.

Being a teenage mom who didn't even finish high school I didn't have a lot of moments where I felt pride in myself other than what I accomplished with my family,  and  truth be told,  most of that credit goes to Dave. He is really the brain power in this crazy Murphy family. He is what makes me strive to be a better person. Ask anyone who knows him, he is the nicest guy on the planet. (I sure hope he doesn't read this)

I am so scared to hit this one year mark as it ends the pre accident phase of my life. No more...this time last year I bought three new dresses on sale at Nordstrom Rack and found perfect wedges to match. Funny how I though finding perfect wedges was so awesome a year ago.

I am a work in progress, I am trying so desperately to give my three youngest kids still at home a mom who isn't always distracted with worry and sadness. My husband started a new job that is less stressful and I am often so stressed I don't even ask how his day went because I don't even want to replay how bad mine was.

Last week I posted a video of Lauren's road to recovery. It has almost 10,000 views. http://vimeo.com/91575493   500 of those views were probably me.  I shot all the footage and put the video together but each time I watch it I am still in disbelief. It is good for me to see that I did receive a miracle, no question about it,  but watching that video also showed me that Lauren isn't the only miracle in my family. My other six kids were behind her every step of the way cheering her on and on and on. I can't even begin to describe the pride I feel for each and every one of them.

That video is a great reminder of what can happen in a year, my hope is that next year at this time we are not still battling with such a language barrier with Lauren. I keep reminding myself that had they not removed the portion of her brain that keeps her from finding the correct words, she would not have survived the accident. I just hate to see her struggle so much. Just the other day she got mad at me and called me an asshole. Not wanting to miss a teaching opportunity I explained to her that I was not an asshole and the correct word she was looking for was actually bitch. "I am a bitch." Next time she gets mad at me I'll let you know if she calls me the correct bad word. No worries, she gets mad at me a lot. As do the rest of the Murphy kids only they are not allowed to call me a "bitch"..... or tweet that I'm a "bitch". Just ask Shannon, that little tweet cost her her phone for about a month back in 2010. Or Kelsey butt dialing me and telling a car full of her friends what a "bitch" I am. They are both so smart!!

Our family was always close nit but now they are inseparable. Even Kelsey and Shannon....I know, I know, miracles are everywhere. Dave and I are different now. Still good but different. It's hard to make time for your spouse when you have a child in such great need of most of your time and more importantly your energy. We will get back our normal "us" I'm sure. He is the only person on this earth that can always make me feel like everything will be Okay. Its incredibly corny but I truly believe God had a hand in us finding each other. I also feel that Lauren was born to do great things and she will find her voice again.



Every day Lauren continues to amaze us all. I am having more days where I feel like I am the luckiest mom in the world...again another little miracle. About a year ago and even 6 months or even 3 months ago I didn't feel so lucky. I have witnessed the best in people over the past year. The amount of love and kindness I have received from friends, family and more importantly strangers is indescribable. I opened the box of cards and letters today to add a few more that came this week and it is crazy to look at all the love in that huge,  darling hat box I keep them in. For some reason my daughter has touched so many people with her story. It is so great to hear how someones faith has been restored largely in part to Lauren's recovery. Not many people can be lucky enough to bring others closer to God, especially when often times I personally feel so very far away.



Recently I was at a family friends wedding and the priest talked a lot about destiny. How even when this couple was young they were each others destiny and they didn't even know it. As happy as I was for the couple I couldn't stop the flood of tears as I thought, "What about my kids destiny?" I pictured her with her bouncy strawberry blond curls playing with her barbies and roller skating in my kitchen. Was it really her destiny to walk in front of a car and lose her independence? I felt an eerie calmness in the church that day and it was almost as if God was saying to me, "Remember when you had Lauren and you thought you would never be a bride?" So many thoughts were flooded in my head, I do remember, I never regretted my choice to keep Lauren vs adoption but I did feel I ruined my chances of finding my prince charming and having my big wedding. What I didn't know was that my destiny was actually so much better. Not only would I get my prince charming  (and eventually my big wedding) just 11 months after Lauren was born but he would come complete with a beautiful big sister for Lauren. In moments like that I feel that someday I will look back on this year and say, "Remember when sometimes I thought Lauren would never live independently again?" I can't wait until the day I can look back at how silly I was to feel that way.

I would be lying if I told you I am always confident in God's plan because often times it leaves me scratching my head. What in the world could his plan be for me? Why did my dad suddenly die of a massive heart attack two weeks before my wedding?

 I came to terms with that years ago after my bitter "I'm mad at God stage." A couple years after my dad died I realized that I had an awesome dad for 20 years and for that I'm lucky, there are a lot of dead beat dads in this world and I was lucky to have a great one even if only for a short while. I don't have time for such a long "I'm mad at God stage." I need Him now more than ever and my kids need to see that faith and love is what gets you through tough times.

Next year is a new beginning, Erin graduates in a few weeks and she will be the cutest little registered nurse I have ever seen. Sam will marry the love of her life and he is awesome! I still love Dave with my heart and soul and things will continue to go upwards. I may even stop by Nordstrom Rack this week just to take a quick peek at their wedges...what could it hurt?