Everything Happens
For A Reason
That used to be my mantra, that is, until I experienced that
awful phone call that chilly April day that changed my whole world. My whole
life I have always felt that way. Even when bad things happened to me I was
still able to see the good that came out of those life experiences. Everyone
has bad things happen to him or her that is called LIFE. Sometimes it is due to
the choices you make and other times it is due to the choices that others make.
The older you get the wiser you become.
Every single person fights battles that we know nothing
about. For instance a couple of weeks ago I was grocery shopping at Publix
before I picked Lauren up at therapy. I turned down an aisle and the manager
said, “Hi, how are you today?” I responded with, “I’m great how are you?” I walked to the next aisle and had a tough
time holding back the tears. What was I thinking? I'm not great. This man knew nothing about my struggles this past
year and a half. All he knew was the cheery lady in aisle 4 who said she was
doing great. As I stood there with my
tear stained cheeks it dawned on me, that I know nothing about his struggles. For all I know he has a spouse with cancer or a child? Or his life can
be absolutely perfect? We do not always wear our emotions on our sleeve. The
lesson here is just to be kind to everyone, as you really don’t know anyone’s
struggles.
I am very grateful that Lauren is still improving and much
of her old personality continues to shine through. Although I am grateful I am
still incredibly sad. I would give anything if I could turn back time and she
would be back in her old life living in the city that she loves, with her dream
job and her dream boy. This is where I would normally insert, “Everything
Happens For A Reason.” But to that I say BULLSHIT! What reason could there be
for my beautiful headstrong daughter to have lost so much of her former self?
What reason could there be for the rest of my kids to get a part time mother?
Since we have been in Florida I have had a lot of time on my
hands to reflect on my life, too much time actually. I was lucky, I found my
soul mate just shy of my 19th birthday. I could probably count on one hand how
many times that I cried in my old life, not just the tear up at a movie cry but
a gut-wrenching cry. Most girls cry over boys…Lucky for me I picked a true
gentleman and through our 26-years together we have had few fights that caused
such sadness. In a nutshell we have had a happy life. For someone who isn’t a
big crier I have sure learned how to make up for lost time. I just don’t know
how to not be sad anymore.
I hate it that I can’t just be happy, I grieve for my old
life every second of every day. Logically I know that Lauren is doing well and
I have so much to be thankful for. She continues to push herself on the road to
recovery. But how long is this damn road? It’s not that I mind taking care of
her because I don’t, I realize that every day is a gift. It is just so
incredibly hard for me to watch her struggle just to find a simple word. When I
ask her what her name is and she responds Oct. 5th (her birthday) my
heart breaks for her just a little bit more. I am not the first mother who has
dealt with their child getting an unfair shake in life and I certainly
won’t be the last. The bottom line is that being a mom is the toughest job in
the world. For whatever reasons this is my new destiny, I don’t have to like it
but it is what it is.
Tomorrow I will wake up, put on my positive attitude and
begin a new day. Since Lauren’s accident
I have always allowed myself just 20 minutes per day to feel sorry for myself.
Normally that’s an easy rule to follow when I’m at home in St. Louis. The
demanding soccer, school, cheerleading etc. schedules keep me on my toes enough
that I normally don’t even have the time to sit and think. Sitting in a beach
chair 4 hours a day while Lauren is at therapy and looking at the powerful
ocean has given me more than my allowed 20 minutes to stare into the distance
and wonder why this had to happen to my family. On the positive side, my tan is
fabulous.
Florida has been a great experience and has been really good
for Lauren. Her therapists are wonderful and have been great at pushing her to
power through even when she is frustrated. She is writing and texting for the
first time since her accident. The weather is great and it has been a positive
experience all around…Except for the lizards….I hate the lizards! How do people
live here with all these lizards?
