Grief is a funny thing, it never goes away, I mean EVER. When will I feel better? Why can't I ever just be happy? These are questions that I ask myself every day. I am always incredibly thankful for what I  have but at the same time I can't shake this awful grief and sadness that has me in a strangle hold. I just came home from a great family vacation in the Caribbean, what more could I want? To be honest, all I want is for Lauren to have the ability to jump up on stage and sing Karaoke with her sisters or for her to have the ability to fully enjoy vacation and bitch and moan when someone gets on her nerves (like she used to)  like the rest of us did for 7 days.

   Dave and I took Lauren to a restaurant in Puerto Rico because she was starving and just couldn't go to another shop until she ate. The rest of the kids went on ahead sight seeing and Dave and I found a restaurant so she could eat. I was feeling sorry for myself because I wanted to explore Puerto Rico, our cruise ship was only at port for a few hours, we were very limited on time. As we were sitting at the table Lauren looked at us and said, "You two are so supportive,  I really appreciate you both." She gets it, she really does. Those are the "aha" moments that I need, they give me the ability to keep pushing forward. I have to believe that she will continue to get better and keep fighting to get her life back.

     But things are still hard, for instance last weekend we spent 6 hours in a crowded airport. Lauren was tired of sitting in one place and finally grabbed her purse and said, "I'm leaving." We had 4 comfy seats saved together for Dave, Maggie, Lauren and myself. I knew that if we got up and moved we would never find 4 seats together again. I had two choices, get aggravated and treat her like a 2 year old in a crowded airport, or somehow try and find a way for her to understand our dilemma. Dave suggested we move to appease her and I told him to stay in his spot I will take care of it. My first gut reaction was to get her in a less crowded spot and scold her for being difficult. I was tired after a long vacation with a lot of Murphys and a difficult TBI survivor who isn't always able to go with the flow. 
 
    Walking away from my spot I felt my anger and frustration subsiding, maybe it was God reminding me of how I was lucky to be on vacation with my daughter versus visiting her grave. How many mothers that have lost their children would kill to be arguing with their children in a crowded airport? Somehow after a few minutes of walking around the airport and showing her the limited places for a change of scenery she was able to calm down and go back to our original seats to wait out the time until our flight would leave.

     I truly enjoy every minute that I get to spend with Lauren, I am well aware of what a gift her life is. For some reason her life was spared and for that I am so thankful. But what I can't get past is what was lost, I am so sad for her. Is she aware of what she used to be? I really don't even know. I see all of her friends going on with life and I wonder if she will ever really have the ability to truly love life again? Or will I? I often see girls in public places that remind me of Lauren pre-accident. Blonde, beautiful, chic, confident and I want to scream. I will never understand why this happened to my daughter.

     Life goes on and things change, my kids are all growing up and doing great things. I am so happy for all that they are and all that they do. I just wish I didn't always have such a veil of sadness over every positive thing they accomplish, that is not fair to them they deserve a happy mom.

     Dave and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, who would have thought those two crazy kids would have made it? When I stood on the altar of All Souls Church 25 years ago, I never in a million years  thought about what it meant to love, honor and cherish through sickness and in health for richer or for poorer etc,  I think I was more worried about not tripping on my train and how my hair and make-up looked. Maybe that's what most 20 year old brides think about or maybe I was just a bit more shallow than the average bride?  Regardless, we have been blessed with a happy marriage and share a mutual respect for each other.

    Scratch what I just said...my family just got home and Dave is crabby. Not even sure if I still like him.... Too much family togetherness at a soccer game tonight I guess? Looks like I got the better deal staying home with Lauren watching Miss Congeniality.

     Life isn't always easy but living is beautiful and I will be forever grateful for everything that I still have regardless of what has been lost. I am even thankful for my crab ass husband,  I look forward to the future with him sitting in a lawn chair squirting neighborhood kids with a hose when they step on his grass.