Last spring I decided to go back to school to give myself a greater sense of purpose. When Lauren and I moved to Omaha I signed up for online classes so I could continue my program without taking time off. I am taking 17 credit hours this semester….What was I thinking?
College has been pretty hard so far, it’s not easy teaching an old dog new tricks. I am keeping my head above water and I am thankful that I have school as a distraction while I am here in Omaha. One of my classes required I update my profile on blackboard (college online page). I had to add a picture to my profile. It was very difficult to find a suitable picture. I don’t have too many pictures of just myself. I am past the appropriate age for selfies. I didn’t want a picture that would showcase the fact that I am roughly 25 years older than all my classmates. I checked on Facebook and started with my most recent albums and worked my way back. The picture I ended up choosing was from Kelsey’s Junior ring day. It was a picture of the two of us and I was able to crop her out. Every time I log on to work on my homework that picture of myself is staring back at me.
Once I realized when the picture was taken I knew why I had subconsciously chosen it. That was the last picture taken of me before Lauren’s accident. It was taken 3 days before that awful phone call that changed the course of my life. My happiness and easy life show on my face, I miss that look in my eyes.
The difference between then and now is that even when I am happy I am still grieving so deeply that I can’t be joyful. I thought about changing the picture once I realized what it symbolized. Instead, I have decided to use it as a motivator to be joyful regardless of my current situation. I read a quote the other day in a book that said; “ A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.” That quote really touched my heart. Then I thought to myself….”Shit….Why in the hell did I have so many kids? Someone is always bound to be sad.
Even though that picture was just 2 years ago my face has aged at least 10 years. Along with the under eye bags and fine lines, I have also received a gift. That gift is a new appreciation for life. I have seen my children face big people problems with maturity and grace and I am so incredibly proud of them. Dave and I are apart more than we are together yet we still find time to touch base at least a dozen times per day. Life is slowly getting better and I am thankful for the life I have now but I still long for the ease of my old life.
The happy mom in the pink dress is gone. She no longer exists. The good news is that she has been replaced with a strong, independent, bad ass, traumatic brain injury slayer and she is pretty awesome. She is new and improved. She may have a few more eye bags and fine lines, but she is stronger and wiser. She has a whole bathroom full of eye cream and is working on being joyful. She is inching closer and closer each day!
