Many of my relationships are now deeper and there is an emotional bond (that was already there) so much stronger now that I know there is absolutely nothing that could ever tear it apart. Sadly, other relationships have ended, tragedy tends to reveal cracks in relationships that are ignored for so long that you look back and realize that for whatever reason, some people aren't who you thought they were...including yourself.
It has been 1,271 days since that awful day. Thankfully, of those days, most have been good. Probably because the only way to go was up! Clearly my life isn't exactly what I had envisioned for myself but is anyone's?? I do see things differently now and I have learned to look for the positive even when I don't feel like being positive. Attitude is everything. I would be lying if I said that I am thankful for this tragedy because I have learned so much about selflessness, love, giving and life in general. It is true that Lauren's accident has taught me all of those things but as a mother I hate everything about my current situation. It will never be easy watching my child struggle.
My faith is strong but I still question why God chose my family. I am very proud that Lauren is so inspirational to so many. Yet still I wish it was someone else's kid instead of mine.
Back on April 19th, 2013 I was driving down highway 40 when I received that fateful phone call. I remember frantically looking for an exit so I could pull over and write down the information the detective gave me. I eventually got off at Big Bend and pulled into a random parking lot. I remember it seemed like it took me forever to find a safe place to pull over that day. My heart was pounding and my head was spinning.
Dave was my next call, he didn't answer. I said a quick prayer and dialed the hospital social worker. Even before she picked up, I knew. Call it mothers intuition but I knew it was bad. I had asked the detective earlier if Lauren had head trauma and he said No. My first question to the social worker when she said hello was, "Does she have head trauma?" Her response was; "yes, she has severe head trauma." How did I know? I can't answer that, but somehow I just did. My next question was; "Is she going to die?" Her response; " If you are asking if you need to get here quickly, the answer is yes." That first phone call from the detective brought me to the edge of a cliff and that next call to the social worker threw me over.
Many more highs and lows followed in the days/weeks/months/years ahead but none were more life changing than those two calls on that cold and gloomy day in April of 2013.
This past Sunday I was driving down that old familiar stretch of highway 40 on my way to Sam's baby shower. There isn't a time that I pass that area without that awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Truth be told I avoid that stretch of highway if at all possible. Sunday I didn't have a choice, Sam's shower was coincidentally off of Big Bend. I had a few extra minutes to kill so I tried to locate the random parking lot I was in when I made the call to the hospital social worker 1,269 days earlier. I tried to find it one other time about a year ago but couldn't remember where it was. Sunday was different, I pulled right into the exact spot. It was the fence, I remember staring at that stupid fence. I hated that fence! It was there that I learned that my daughter was known as 'Trauma Foxtrot 5395.'
I said a quick prayer and gave thanks for the fact that even though my life is still hard, harder than I ever thought possible, it is also good, better than I ever thought possible. I gave myself a mental "hell yeah." I pulled out of that parking lot feeling like a bad ass who could conquer the world....and maybe I will!
