My Kelsey turns 18 in a little over a week. Her upcoming birthday caused me to 
reflect on what I was doing at her age. 

Sadly, I was preparing for teenage motherhood alone. Well not technically alone, 
I had my family and friends (in which I could never have done it) but I didn't have a 

husband or even a baby daddy by my side.

I guess my saving grace was having the gift of not feeling sorry for myself. The 
situation was what it was, and I got myself into this mess so, it was me that would 
get myself out of it? Wait what? Was there any getting out? No, but I had the 
tools(Thanks to my parents) to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to make sure this baby knew she was loved and wanted despite how she came to be.

Ill save that story for my book.....Maybe....Lauren's biological father is so 
insignificant that he doesn't deserve the ink on my paper.

I gave birth to a perfect 7 lb 8 oz beautiful baby girl 16 days after my 18th 
birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

I look at Kelsey who is practicing for the school play, playing soccer, getting 
ready for college and having a blast. I am so thankful she has made good 
choices. 

As Dave always eloquently explained, becoming a teenage parent is tough but 
with hard work it isn't a destiny of  repeated  bad choices. It does kind of 
place you behind the 8 ball a bit but once you dig yourself out of that hole of 
"shame" it is a euphoric feeling to look around and tell yourself, "I made it" !

When Lauren moved to NYC I posted the song by Tim Mc Graw on her facebook 
timeline. There Goes My Life. That song summed up my feelings perfectly. 

I was sad that she left but so proud of her for following her dreams. When I 
found out I was pregnant with her, I thought my life was over but in actuality 
it had just begun. Watching your children succeed where you have failed is a 
great feeling and so much better watching them then doing it yourself. 


When Lauren first had her accident I was so incredibly sad I often wondered how 
I could continue to breathe, my heart was completely broken. I would pass 
mothers with their small children on the campus at cedars and think to myself. 
Don't get too attached....that baby will some day walk in front of a car and 
ruin your life. I was in such a dark place, I would sit in a chair alone for 14 
hours a day and just watch my lifeless daughter lay there while watching a bag 
of bloody spinal fluid fill up as it was being drained from her severely damaged 
brain.  I would walk to the Starbucks on campus twice a day just to get away for 
a few minutes and cry on my bench outside in the sun. This is when I would pass 
all the hospital visitors and secretly hate anyone who looked happy. They 
obviously weren't visiting anyone in "the Saperstein Critical Care Tower"

I'm not sure when the dark feelings went away...or did they? What I do know is 
that when I look back at my time in L A I almost feel as if it was dreamlike or 
more accurately nightmare like. Did I really have an apartment in Beverly Hills? 
That two months of my life is like I was in a fog. Maybe that is a blessing that 
God gave me but I really don't remember much detail. What I do remember is how 
many times I prayed the rosary each day and although I spent most days alone 
(thankfully Courtney joined me every late afternoon) I never really felt alone. 
I knew God was there with me and things would be ok. 

I remember pleading with God, why did you let her live if only to live as a 
vegetable? All early signs showed very minimal neurological function. As bad as 
her outlook appeared I had an unbelievable sense of calmness and that is where 
faith comes in. I felt God's presence and somehow knew things would be okay 
eventually. 

There was a quote that I found that says; "everything will be okay in the end. 
If its not okay, then it's not the end."

I still have to remind myself of this quote when things are tough. Life is much 
better now but to be honest I long for the easiness of my old life. I realize 
the past is just that...the past. Going forward I need to make the most of what 
remains and be thankful. Things are slowly improving. There isn't much I take 
for granted these days. Just the other day I was able to watch one of my 
favorite tv shows in my bed with Lauren while I scratched her back and we 
cuddled. This is something we used to do before her accident. Her favorite thing 
to do was always lay her head on my lap while I scratched her scalp. A while 
back after a bad break up she experienced we spent several nights watching tv 
while I scratched her scalp and back. I cherish those moments and am so thankful 
we are able to experience more. 

I've been told that healing continues for up to 4 years after a brain injury. 
There is no doubt that things will continue to improve. We will continue to put 
one foot in front of the other. 

 I reflect back to my 18th birthday and remember the sense of sadness that I 
felt. At that time in my life I felt my life choices had pretty much destroyed 
all chances of a bright future. I'm so thankful I was wrong, we are so far away 
from the end!

Maybe it's my new routine of getting up every morning at 4:30 and then every half hour thereafter until I finally give in and get up at 6:00, or maybe its the fact that Dave has been out of town all week but tonight I feel like I'm all alone in this battle. What a crazy notion? Our Caring Bridge Site has hit over half a million views, our support system is huge and still growing in numbers.

Today I am willing to sell my soul to the devil if he would just give Lauren her old life back. I think Kelsey thinks I AM the devil....my patience with small teenage annoyances is extremely thin. Ryan has strep throat and has been home from school for three days. By this afternoon he was feeling better and was on my very last nerve. I was upstairs guarding the open balcony (the men were working on the house) to keep Lauren safe and was more than tempted to throw Ryan over that same balcony. I realized I spelled Kelsey's name wrong on the 160 Christmas cards I ordered.(adds character to the card if you ask me) Maggie had to study for a big test and I didn't have the emotional strength to even help her study. I couldn't bring myself to quiz her when all I wanted to do was take a hot bath (Ryan used all the hot water) and go lay in the fetal position and have a good cry. (it's been a while, I'm due)

Lauren is getting annoyed with therapy and hasn't been cooperating 100%, she has soldiered through for the most part but its obvious she doesn't want to be there. Her inability to understand and speak words is called Aphasia. I have googled that word 4 thousand times. I hate that word. I watch her in social situations try to fake her way through conversations. She has her standard phrases. Hi, How Are You? I'm good, perfect, thank you, Excuse Me.

When she talks with someone not in her inner circle she interjects whatever response she feels works. For example, someone told her this weekend she was pretty to which she responded, "I Know".  It made us laugh but inside I wanted to cry because I knew. I knew she was trying so hard to appear "normal." Often times I think she understands everything I am saying to her and other times I feel like she has no clue. As my beautiful brilliant oldest daughter pointed out on Saturday, even though she is "faking " her way through, it is good because she is finding ways to cope.


The picture above is of our Christmas card photo shoot on Thanksgiving. Notice the sunbeam covering Lauren's right side of her head, I choose to believe that is a divine presence helping heal Lauren's brain. Her injury was primarily on the left,  the right side is trying to relearn everything that was lost that the left controlled. Faith is a funny thing, I can believe so strongly one minute and then the next I am ready to sell my soul for a quick fix. I have been so mad at God I made a conscience effort to avoid church the last two weeks. I'm sure I gave myself some excellent excuse but really there is no valid excuse. I was given a miracle on a silver platter and I was too mad to pull myself together for church? Who do I think I am?

Tomorrow is a new day and a wise friend I met on this journey once told me "The sun will come up tomorrow with new hope for the day."  Funny that the forecast calls for sleet and snow tomorrow....just kidding I'm not that much of a Debbie Downer. Tomorrow is a new day and things are looking up. Ryan's fever free and going back to school.  Dave is coming home tomorrow and I'm pissed at Kelsey so who really cares that I spelled her name wrong??

 Just Kidding I love you Klesley.

The new normal. I have heard this phrase before, I now live  this phrase. Do I have to like my new Normal? 

When you become an adult you feel as if you have complete control of your destiny. Make good choices and life will be full of love and laughter. Ya da, yada, yada.

As a person of faith you have no other choice but to trust in God. But what happens if your faith is being tested in ways that are not fair?

Faith teaches you that you have received a miracle and your precious daughter is slowly recovering from injuries that were so severe that no one including the medical professionals believed it could happen. 

Logically one can look behind as well as ahead and see the bright light of hope and healing. But unfortunately a mothers heart isn't always full of logic. 

The world of TBI'S is strange one. Each new day brings a whole new set of emotions. Finding humor has been a godsend but not always so simple. 

Being able to laugh when your daughter gets a manicure in the morning and still thinks her nails are wet at 8pm and refuses to touch anything in fear of messing up her polish is funny. 

Wrestling with your 26 year old daughter to take a shower and then comforting her in her confusion as she sobs in such a vulnerable state is far from funny. 

Why did this happen to us?  As a believer it's hard to understand. Some days I feel beyond blessed. I get to fall in love with my baby twice as her new self emerges. Other times I grieve for what was lost. I see her friends engagement announcements on Facebook and wonder if she will ever be engaged? I feel as if I continue to grieve for what could have been. Why can't I just be thankful??

The support my family has received is too much to even comprehend. I will never be able to repay the kindness and generosity from family, friends and strangers. 

So many people have told me what an inspiration I  am. That makes me laugh.  I am the furthest thing from inspirational.  I am just a mom trying my best to hold it together. I am far from an inspiration. The true inspiration is the family and friends that always get my other kids to and from school and soccer and social events so I can continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

The families that cheer extra loud at Kelsey's cross country meets as she crosses the finish line without her parents on the side line or the families that delivered meals every week or the mom that put money on my kids lunch cards after Lauren's accident or the movie, food or ice cream gift cards that make life easier and still seem to show up out of thin air. The family who had the connection at Loyola that so graciously gave me a place to stay in Chicago. The supporters that haven't given up and continue to pray for us daily. That is inspirational!

The inspiration is the unbelievably huge safety net that surrounds this huge crazy Murphy clan that always seems to catch us when we fall. And we do fall....we fall often....but we always get back up. Murphy's don't quit!

As my faith is shaken it is still in tact and  am thankful to my loving parents for giving me the gift of faith and church. I may not have always appreciated the sacrifice they made in sending me to catholic schools but am truly blessed to have had the opportunity that laid the foundation for a deeper faith that has saved me thus far. 

So here's to you Murphy safety net....you know who you are. Thank You, Thank You. The true inspiration.