Change is Hard

Big Changes For 2016

     I have been away from home since July 3rd. I have had a few trips back during that time, the longest being over Christmas.  I have a new appreciation for the phrase “There’s no place like home.” I have loved every second that I have been able to spend at home but I realized during my time at home that things have changed since I left. 

     2016 will be a year of changes. I am starting the process of packing up my apartment  in Omaha and getting ready to come home. Lauren is now in a simulation apartment on campus at QLI.  They are giving her less support in her daily activities and are trying to successfully lead her down the path to more independence. Her speech is slowly improving and she continues to defy the odds. I will be home  February 1st.  I will fly to Omaha every weekend to be with Lauren. This will be tough for me to leave but I know she will do better in Omaha without me. Independence is something all parents want for their kids. I survived her first day of kindergarten, her driving, her going off to college and her moving to New York...I will survive this too and she will be stronger for it. It is best for her to be able to push herself. She can do this! She has had almost three years of preparation living with such a pushy mother. 

     Another change for 2016 involves Shannon and Kelsey. Previously they had access to my bank account and would transfer money whenever their accounts were running low. College is expensive so this year I am giving them each a monthly stipend.  They can use this money for whatever they want. I pay their utilities and rent so the money I deposit twice monthly is basically for food and recreation aka Vodka. So far I have received half a dozen SOS calls because their funds are drying up quickly. Shannon just received a $20 advance for February. I’m sure once Kelsey reads this my phone will ring.

     Back in October I purchased a few flights when Southwest had a good sale. I flew home Monday for a short 39 hour trip. While I was home, I observed that Dave has really staked his claim as king of the castle. He is a bit quirky and likes things a certain way. For example he mentioned to me  “We make the bed every morning now.” Oh do we? It was nice to be home but I felt almost like a guest (a very bitchy outspoken guest but still a guest). My dishes were all rearranged in the cabinets and my bathroom no longer had deodorant, shampoo, conditioner or body wash. The girls had swiped that long ago. Watching TV with my husband has never been easy but now that he has had complete control of the remote for 7 months it is brutal. Tuesday evening I watched  7 minutes of The Big Bang Theory, 10 minutes of the Blues game, 6 minutes of an incredibly boring World War II program and 8 minutes of Tosh.0. I realized then that I only have a few weeks to devise my plan to successfully overthrow the current regime in the house and regain control of the house, TV and the skillfully made bed. I am pretty confident that it will be like taking candy from a baby. My prediction is that he will be watching Lifetime movies by Feb 3rd.

     Monday night Dave asked me if I would mind cleaning his shower while I was home. A little back story on the shower…When we were under construction to modify our home it was difficult to add a master bathroom in the space that we had. Our contractor suggested we modify the plans and install a tub/shower combo. I am a bath person and wanted to keep them separate. In order to do so, Dave’s shower had to be pretty small. My bathtub is shorter than a standard tub but much deeper. Now that everything is done, I feel pretty bad and wish I would have conceded and done the tub/shower combo. If you take the size of a shower in a stateroom on a cruise ship and cut it in thirds you would have the dimensions of Dave’s shower. If he gains any weight he may have to spray himself with Pam in order to fit. 

     Because I have  always been  a submissive wife, (did anyone buy that?) The next morning I sprayed down the shower walls with bathroom cleaner and went downstairs to do some work for my online classes.  An hour later I went back upstairs to tackle the shower. The soap scum and hard water stains were pretty bad. Seriously did he not think to do this anytime in the last 7 months? Last April I tried to hire a cleaning lady. The week she was supposed to start, she broke her foot. She told me she would get in touch as soon as she was more mobile. I have yet to hear back from her. I think someone may have tipped her off about us and she headed (limped) for the hills. 

     After scraping the soap scum off my brand new beautiful bathroom tile I decided it was time for my quirky husband to make a change for 2016. I hid every last bar of his coveted Irish Spring soap. Who still uses bar soap?  And those that do, why Irish Spring? I bought him some manly smelling body wash and placed it in his mini shower and patiently waited for the shit to hit the fan. He was less then pleased with me when he realized operation soap modification was in full swing. I explained to him that I had tucked away his Irish Spring in a very special place and he could have it back on Feb 1st.  I left for the airport a few hours later…I did not make the bed. 

Last spring I decided to go back to school to give myself a greater sense of purpose. When Lauren and I moved to Omaha I signed up for online classes so I could continue my program without taking time off. I am taking 17 credit hours this semester….What was I thinking?

College has been pretty hard so far, it’s not easy teaching an old dog new tricks. I am keeping my head above water and I am thankful that I have school as a distraction while I am here in Omaha. One of my classes required I update my profile on blackboard (college online page). I had to  add a picture to my profile. It was very difficult to find a suitable picture. I don’t have too many pictures of just myself. I am past the appropriate age for selfies. I didn’t want a picture that would showcase the fact that I am roughly 25 years older than all my classmates. I checked on Facebook and started with my most recent albums and worked my way back. The picture I ended up choosing was from Kelsey’s Junior ring day. It was a picture of the two of us and I was able to crop her out. Every time I log on to work on my homework that picture of myself is staring back at me. 

Once I realized when the picture was taken I knew why I had subconsciously chosen it. That was the last picture taken of me before Lauren’s accident. It was taken 3 days before that awful phone call that changed the course of my life.  My happiness and easy life show on my face, I miss that look in my eyes. 

The difference between then and now is that even when I am happy I am still grieving so deeply that I can’t be joyful. I thought about changing the picture once I realized what it symbolized. Instead, I have decided to use it as a motivator to be joyful regardless of my current situation. I read a quote the other day in a book that said; “ A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.” That quote really touched my heart. Then I thought to myself….”Shit….Why in the hell did I have so many kids? Someone is always bound to be sad. 

Even though that picture was just 2 years ago my face has aged at least 10 years. Along with the under eye bags and fine lines, I have also received a gift.  That gift is a new appreciation for life. I have seen my children face big people problems with maturity and grace and I am so incredibly proud of them. Dave and I are apart more than we are together yet we still find time to touch base at least a dozen times per day. Life is slowly getting better and I am thankful for the life I have now but I still long for the ease of my old life.

The happy mom in the pink dress is gone. She no longer exists. The good news is that she has been replaced with a strong, independent, bad ass, traumatic brain injury slayer and she is pretty awesome. She is new and improved. She may have a few more eye bags and fine lines, but she is stronger and wiser. She has a whole bathroom full of eye cream and is working on being joyful. She is inching closer and closer each day!

Motherhood by definition is; the state of being a mother. (I actually looked it up.) 

I am far from wise but what I do know is that motherhood in all of its forms is a gift; the good, the bad, and even the ugly. One common theme throughout motherhood is that every mother believes that God gave her the most beautiful children in the world. Clearly most are wrong because my children truly are the most beautiful…Am I the only one who thinks that? 

I became a mother a few weeks after my 18th birthday. I weighed 137 pounds when I delivered my first baby. I remember thinking that I was the fattest girl in the whole world. That makes me laugh out loud today. 

Raising kids is the hardest job on the planet but it is also the biggest gift. Even the shittiest parts of motherhood are beautiful when you pull back all the layers. I have learned that the early years are super hard but they are also super easy. When my Erin was little she was full of energy. She wore me out like no other toddler, she walked at 8 months and could climb like spiderman. How does a toddler learn to climb up a refrigerator? Especially a refrigerator with a missing handle because she snapped it right off. I somehow survived those years and even survived her teenage years of drunken high school parties disguised as “Mom, I’m going to the movies.” With each stage of motherhood, the job seems to get harder and harder. Now she is a successful ICU nurse and takes care of some of the sickest kids in St. Louis. I no longer worry about her falling from a high cabinet or drinking too much at a high school party.  Now my worries are for her broken heart as she watches some of the strongest mother’s fighting along side of their children who have been given the most unfair, worst set of circumstances. 

One of the advantages for me of becoming a mother at such a young age is that I never really had a chance to realize what the job entailed. My biggest concern was whether or not the stretch marks across my hips would go away. I mean…Oh My God….I thought I might die. Fast forward a decade and a half later, the stretch marks are small potatoes compared to seeing your kid sad after not winning a student council election or not making Varsity soccer. Why didn’t anyone tell me this? Or did they…would I have listened? 

Yet the triumphs are so much sweeter. Seeing your oldest become class valedictorian when you took motherhood 101 instead of getting a high school diploma is pure joy. The pride of motherhood is indescribable. Even during times when things are less than perfect there is always a silver lining. Life is certainly unpredictable and has many ups and downs. Motherhood is such a privilege and I am thankful that God entrusted me with seven of the most talented, good hearted, caring, beautiful children. He also entrusted me with seven of the most difficult, wild, messy, obnoxious and rude children in the world, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

The last couple of years have really taken their toll on me. I never thought I would be the type of mom who wasn’t involved in the day to day activities of my kids. Since Lauren’s accident I have lived away from my family for long periods of time. I have lived in Beverly Hills, Downtown Chicago, St.Petersburg Florida (twice), and now I reside in Omaha Nebraska. When I was younger I went from my parent’s house to owning a home as a newlywed. In the last 2.5 years I have lived away from my family in five different apartments alone. This time has definitely taken a toll. This is not the job I signed up for…but that is part of the mystique of motherhood. Do any of us really sign up for the crappy parts? 

Today I actually googled, “The best product for under eye bags”. How did I get here? I guess what I’m trying to say is that motherhood is so much more than “the state of being a mother.” It is the hardest thing, the saddest thing, the funniest thing and the most glorious thing all wrapped up in a shiny bow. It is who I am and I have loved every second of it. Well, not the new bags under my eyes…those really suck… That’s all the wisdom I have for now, I’m headed to Target to pick up the  Olay Regenerist Anti-Aging Eye Roller.