The new normal. I have heard this phrase before, I now live  this phrase. Do I have to like my new Normal? 

When you become an adult you feel as if you have complete control of your destiny. Make good choices and life will be full of love and laughter. Ya da, yada, yada.

As a person of faith you have no other choice but to trust in God. But what happens if your faith is being tested in ways that are not fair?

Faith teaches you that you have received a miracle and your precious daughter is slowly recovering from injuries that were so severe that no one including the medical professionals believed it could happen. 

Logically one can look behind as well as ahead and see the bright light of hope and healing. But unfortunately a mothers heart isn't always full of logic. 

The world of TBI'S is strange one. Each new day brings a whole new set of emotions. Finding humor has been a godsend but not always so simple. 

Being able to laugh when your daughter gets a manicure in the morning and still thinks her nails are wet at 8pm and refuses to touch anything in fear of messing up her polish is funny. 

Wrestling with your 26 year old daughter to take a shower and then comforting her in her confusion as she sobs in such a vulnerable state is far from funny. 

Why did this happen to us?  As a believer it's hard to understand. Some days I feel beyond blessed. I get to fall in love with my baby twice as her new self emerges. Other times I grieve for what was lost. I see her friends engagement announcements on Facebook and wonder if she will ever be engaged? I feel as if I continue to grieve for what could have been. Why can't I just be thankful??

The support my family has received is too much to even comprehend. I will never be able to repay the kindness and generosity from family, friends and strangers. 

So many people have told me what an inspiration I  am. That makes me laugh.  I am the furthest thing from inspirational.  I am just a mom trying my best to hold it together. I am far from an inspiration. The true inspiration is the family and friends that always get my other kids to and from school and soccer and social events so I can continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

The families that cheer extra loud at Kelsey's cross country meets as she crosses the finish line without her parents on the side line or the families that delivered meals every week or the mom that put money on my kids lunch cards after Lauren's accident or the movie, food or ice cream gift cards that make life easier and still seem to show up out of thin air. The family who had the connection at Loyola that so graciously gave me a place to stay in Chicago. The supporters that haven't given up and continue to pray for us daily. That is inspirational!

The inspiration is the unbelievably huge safety net that surrounds this huge crazy Murphy clan that always seems to catch us when we fall. And we do fall....we fall often....but we always get back up. Murphy's don't quit!

As my faith is shaken it is still in tact and  am thankful to my loving parents for giving me the gift of faith and church. I may not have always appreciated the sacrifice they made in sending me to catholic schools but am truly blessed to have had the opportunity that laid the foundation for a deeper faith that has saved me thus far. 

So here's to you Murphy safety net....you know who you are. Thank You, Thank You. The true inspiration.

Two more weeks….I still need to pinch myself. Two short weeks from today I will be pulling in my very on driveway with my beautiful daughter in tow. This is nothing short of a miracle. I could share all the miraculous stories that we have experienced beginning  April 19^th and  leading  up until today, instead I will just save that for the movie.  Side note….I think Heather Locklear would be the perfect “Colleen”.

One of my high school friends was visiting this weekend and took many items from my apartment back home to St. Louis so I wouldn’t have so much stuff to pack. I opened the closet in my bedroom to gather all my extra bedding to pack and saw Lauren’s pink sweater hanging in the corner. My heart skipped a beat. When I was in Los Angeles I held that sweater in my hands and kept my face buried in the scent of Lauren for the first few weeks.  One of her co workers packed up her hotel room and brought me her suitcase after the accident. I desperately needed something that smelled like her to hold. I rooted all through that suitcase looking for something that she had worn. Ironically ¾ of the clothes in her suitcase still had tags attached.(like mother like daughter)

That pink sweater was a great source of comfort  to me as I spent so many days in that blue vinyl recliner in the corner of her ICU room. I can’t even imagine how many tears were shed on that sweater. Opening that closet today and seeing that sweater was yet another small triumph for me.

This week was one of our best weeks yet. Lauren is starting to show more and more signs of herself. I can’t even put into words the elation I feel when I am helping Lauren move from one place to another and she leans in to give me an unsolicited kiss or a tight left handed hug. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a long, long road ahead to get my girl back to independence but wow what a journey we are on.

I have tried to look at our road to recovery in terms of a pregnancy. (I have lots of expertise in that area) I think of  Laurens current stage of recovery as the equivalent of the beginning of the second trimester. The second trimester is when you begin to feel that precious life move inside of you? To me it is like I am watching Lauren’s precious brain begin to develop just like an unborn baby. I am beyond grateful that I am receiving this gift twice. God is good!

kitty cleveland

Today was a rough day for me. Lauren had surgery to have a shunt placed in her brain that will drain her cerebral fluid into her stomach. She has received yet another fabulous haircut. This was the first time I was alone during one of her surgeries. I would like to formally apologize to all the other families waiting at Northwestern for the weird lady sitting in the corner listening to church songs sobbing all morning and afternoon. One song in particular has become my theme song throughout this ordeal, I play it several times each day. Sometimes to remind me and other times to try and convince me.


I know this surgery was needed to further her progress but it is extremely hard to see Lauren go through yet another procedure. I try so hard to not get caught up in the personal pity party but I don't always succeed. Its amazing how attitudes can change so quickly. Just when I think there is no end in sight she will do something that shows me that cognitively she is coming back to me. Her peak time is normally after 7 pm. On nights that she does something new I often feel like I could fly home instead of walking. Other nights I feel like crawling.

I have had so much time in the last 8 weeks to think about all the time we have spent together in the last 25 years and more importantly all the mistakes that I have made. Why didn't I read to her more when she was little? We should have seen more movies, done more shopping trips, more pedicures more laughing less arguing. So many what ifs. I know I shouldn't do that to myself but I can't help it. Sitting in that surgical waiting room I felt compelled to run to Barnes and Noble and buy every children's book I could find so I could have a do over and read to her like I should have when she was little. Why didn't I make time then?

I do realize that reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to her  at 25 is completely insane. She has a brain injury, she is not an infant. I jut wish I could go back and right every wrong. The irony in that is that while I am wishing I could right every wrong for Lauren my other 6 kids are all sharing one teeny tiny little back burner. I am still trying to find the correct balance. So many of my closest friends as well as family are so busy grieving themselves that they are incapable of helping to lift the kids off that little burner and that is okay, it is not their responsibility it is mine. I will figure it out somehow. I can't keep putting a band aid over a gunshot wound. My whole family is in pain it's not about me.

There is no question that we have gotten a raw deal, the world for me is currently a dark place. I walk down the sidewalk every day in Chicago and probably pass at least a hundred people. I see the world differently now. I wonder if they can sense the pain and grief in my eyes behind my forced smile when I make eye contact with a stranger? Every night I pass several restaurants with outside seating. The laughter and chatter of the happy couples makes me cringe as I head home to my empty bed missing the strong arms of my husband and the good night cuddles from all my babies or the late night conversations from the end of my bed from Shannon and Kelsey when they get home from work. I even miss my stupid dog that pees on anything that isn't moving.

I used to write this blog to try and be funny and put a spin to normal every day problems that a mom would face with her teenagers. I can't wait for the day I can find laughter in my parenting problems.  I know that day will come but for now...please bear with me as I vent. It is much cheaper than therapy and I have always been one to air ALL of my dirty laundry as my family can all attest to, there are no secrets on this blog. If only I had a crystal ball to see where we will be this time next year. My hope is that it will involve some idiotic high school party with Ryan and a bottle of wine hidden in a soccer sock just like his big sister Erin used to do. I never thought I would be praying for stupid drunk teenagers again?