Maybe it's my new routine of getting up every morning at 4:30 and then every half hour thereafter until I finally give in and get up at 6:00, or maybe its the fact that Dave has been out of town all week but tonight I feel like I'm all alone in this battle. What a crazy notion? Our Caring Bridge Site has hit over half a million views, our support system is huge and still growing in numbers.

Today I am willing to sell my soul to the devil if he would just give Lauren her old life back. I think Kelsey thinks I AM the devil....my patience with small teenage annoyances is extremely thin. Ryan has strep throat and has been home from school for three days. By this afternoon he was feeling better and was on my very last nerve. I was upstairs guarding the open balcony (the men were working on the house) to keep Lauren safe and was more than tempted to throw Ryan over that same balcony. I realized I spelled Kelsey's name wrong on the 160 Christmas cards I ordered.(adds character to the card if you ask me) Maggie had to study for a big test and I didn't have the emotional strength to even help her study. I couldn't bring myself to quiz her when all I wanted to do was take a hot bath (Ryan used all the hot water) and go lay in the fetal position and have a good cry. (it's been a while, I'm due)

Lauren is getting annoyed with therapy and hasn't been cooperating 100%, she has soldiered through for the most part but its obvious she doesn't want to be there. Her inability to understand and speak words is called Aphasia. I have googled that word 4 thousand times. I hate that word. I watch her in social situations try to fake her way through conversations. She has her standard phrases. Hi, How Are You? I'm good, perfect, thank you, Excuse Me.

When she talks with someone not in her inner circle she interjects whatever response she feels works. For example, someone told her this weekend she was pretty to which she responded, "I Know".  It made us laugh but inside I wanted to cry because I knew. I knew she was trying so hard to appear "normal." Often times I think she understands everything I am saying to her and other times I feel like she has no clue. As my beautiful brilliant oldest daughter pointed out on Saturday, even though she is "faking " her way through, it is good because she is finding ways to cope.


The picture above is of our Christmas card photo shoot on Thanksgiving. Notice the sunbeam covering Lauren's right side of her head, I choose to believe that is a divine presence helping heal Lauren's brain. Her injury was primarily on the left,  the right side is trying to relearn everything that was lost that the left controlled. Faith is a funny thing, I can believe so strongly one minute and then the next I am ready to sell my soul for a quick fix. I have been so mad at God I made a conscience effort to avoid church the last two weeks. I'm sure I gave myself some excellent excuse but really there is no valid excuse. I was given a miracle on a silver platter and I was too mad to pull myself together for church? Who do I think I am?

Tomorrow is a new day and a wise friend I met on this journey once told me "The sun will come up tomorrow with new hope for the day."  Funny that the forecast calls for sleet and snow tomorrow....just kidding I'm not that much of a Debbie Downer. Tomorrow is a new day and things are looking up. Ryan's fever free and going back to school.  Dave is coming home tomorrow and I'm pissed at Kelsey so who really cares that I spelled her name wrong??

 Just Kidding I love you Klesley.