My Kelsey turns 18 in a little over a week. Her upcoming birthday caused me to 
reflect on what I was doing at her age. 

Sadly, I was preparing for teenage motherhood alone. Well not technically alone, 
I had my family and friends (in which I could never have done it) but I didn't have a 

husband or even a baby daddy by my side.

I guess my saving grace was having the gift of not feeling sorry for myself. The 
situation was what it was, and I got myself into this mess so, it was me that would 
get myself out of it? Wait what? Was there any getting out? No, but I had the 
tools(Thanks to my parents) to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to make sure this baby knew she was loved and wanted despite how she came to be.

Ill save that story for my book.....Maybe....Lauren's biological father is so 
insignificant that he doesn't deserve the ink on my paper.

I gave birth to a perfect 7 lb 8 oz beautiful baby girl 16 days after my 18th 
birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

I look at Kelsey who is practicing for the school play, playing soccer, getting 
ready for college and having a blast. I am so thankful she has made good 
choices. 

As Dave always eloquently explained, becoming a teenage parent is tough but 
with hard work it isn't a destiny of  repeated  bad choices. It does kind of 
place you behind the 8 ball a bit but once you dig yourself out of that hole of 
"shame" it is a euphoric feeling to look around and tell yourself, "I made it" !

When Lauren moved to NYC I posted the song by Tim Mc Graw on her facebook 
timeline. There Goes My Life. That song summed up my feelings perfectly. 

I was sad that she left but so proud of her for following her dreams. When I 
found out I was pregnant with her, I thought my life was over but in actuality 
it had just begun. Watching your children succeed where you have failed is a 
great feeling and so much better watching them then doing it yourself. 


When Lauren first had her accident I was so incredibly sad I often wondered how 
I could continue to breathe, my heart was completely broken. I would pass 
mothers with their small children on the campus at cedars and think to myself. 
Don't get too attached....that baby will some day walk in front of a car and 
ruin your life. I was in such a dark place, I would sit in a chair alone for 14 
hours a day and just watch my lifeless daughter lay there while watching a bag 
of bloody spinal fluid fill up as it was being drained from her severely damaged 
brain.  I would walk to the Starbucks on campus twice a day just to get away for 
a few minutes and cry on my bench outside in the sun. This is when I would pass 
all the hospital visitors and secretly hate anyone who looked happy. They 
obviously weren't visiting anyone in "the Saperstein Critical Care Tower"

I'm not sure when the dark feelings went away...or did they? What I do know is 
that when I look back at my time in L A I almost feel as if it was dreamlike or 
more accurately nightmare like. Did I really have an apartment in Beverly Hills? 
That two months of my life is like I was in a fog. Maybe that is a blessing that 
God gave me but I really don't remember much detail. What I do remember is how 
many times I prayed the rosary each day and although I spent most days alone 
(thankfully Courtney joined me every late afternoon) I never really felt alone. 
I knew God was there with me and things would be ok. 

I remember pleading with God, why did you let her live if only to live as a 
vegetable? All early signs showed very minimal neurological function. As bad as 
her outlook appeared I had an unbelievable sense of calmness and that is where 
faith comes in. I felt God's presence and somehow knew things would be okay 
eventually. 

There was a quote that I found that says; "everything will be okay in the end. 
If its not okay, then it's not the end."

I still have to remind myself of this quote when things are tough. Life is much 
better now but to be honest I long for the easiness of my old life. I realize 
the past is just that...the past. Going forward I need to make the most of what 
remains and be thankful. Things are slowly improving. There isn't much I take 
for granted these days. Just the other day I was able to watch one of my 
favorite tv shows in my bed with Lauren while I scratched her back and we 
cuddled. This is something we used to do before her accident. Her favorite thing 
to do was always lay her head on my lap while I scratched her scalp. A while 
back after a bad break up she experienced we spent several nights watching tv 
while I scratched her scalp and back. I cherish those moments and am so thankful 
we are able to experience more. 

I've been told that healing continues for up to 4 years after a brain injury. 
There is no doubt that things will continue to improve. We will continue to put 
one foot in front of the other. 

 I reflect back to my 18th birthday and remember the sense of sadness that I 
felt. At that time in my life I felt my life choices had pretty much destroyed 
all chances of a bright future. I'm so thankful I was wrong, we are so far away 
from the end!