Motherhood...The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

Motherhood…The most important job of all, what a gift in all it’s glory. I have done the gamut. Teenage single mother, happily married did it the right way, wedding first mother, stay at home mother, part time working mother, full time working mother and finally caretaker mother. I can honestly say each role is a gift and I still consider myself lucky.

Of all my years of experience I can say I fumbled through each role without a playbook and made many mistakes along the way. That is just part of motherhood, no matter what you do, you will always second guess yourself and beat yourself up for ways you think you could have done it better.

For instance; as a single mother I probably could have been more alert at 7:00 am vs laying in my bed with the covers over my head hoping and praying that if I didn’t move my toddler would lay back down and go back to sleep if she didn’t spot her 18 year old mother 4 feet from her crib desperately trying to cash in on her beauty sleep. Instead I would have scooped up that precious gift and soaked up all the morning kisses and happy smiles from that perfect ray of sunshine regardless of the time.

As a newlywed mother I would have been less envious of my friends that were graduating college and starting careers as I was knee deep in dirty diapers, spit up, laundry and sweat pants and appreciated that I had found my soul mate early and was truly living the dream even if that dream was disguised as a 900 square foot house full of dirty dishes, laundry, clutter and love.

As a stay at home mother I would have realized that having a kid wake up at 2:00 AM with a fever or washing ham chunks out of your toddlers hair after her sister vomited all over her while she was sleeping was actually  not as tragic as I thought because I had the privilege of staying home and not having to call a boss in the morning to let them know I couldn’t be there.

As a mom that worked part time I would have realized that it was a great opportunity to get away and that my children (contrary to what I believed) would not self-destruct without me.

As a working mother I would have not felt so guilty for all the class parties I missed that I didn’t for the older siblings. Or the lack of time I had to help with homework , instead I would realize I was actually teaching independence without even knowing it. Can we ever feel like we are getting it right?

And finally as a caretaker mother….wow where do I begin with the mistakes that I feel I have made on this role. Of all my roles this one is the scariest…. this is the one where you really just have to wing it. You can’t just modify your upbringing like with all the other roles.  The decisions you make can affect the health and well being of your child in ways that are unfair. Is it really necessary to make sure your daughter’s legs are shaved and eyebrows plucked and nails painted every week? 

Imagine how stupid I felt last September when she missed a dose of anti seizure medicine because I as her primary caretaker forgot to give it to her before I put her to bed. The next morning she had a seizure.  I don’t think the paramedics left our house that day saying, “Wow, her nails looked great.”

I guess what I’m saying is being a mother is tough, I mean really tough. But it is also wonderful and often times perfect. It's just not always easy to see how perfect it really is.

When your adult daughter calls you for advice it makes you beam with pride as if maybe they don’t feel like you spent their whole childhood making mistake after mistake and they actually look up to you a bit and value your opinion. When your high school aged son asks if you will sit next to him on the couch and snuggle? Maybe you actually did something right and raised a boy that respects women (like his father) and is never too big for hugs.

When your youngest child (who you feel you have failed the most due to current life circumstances,) has the screen on her phone set to a pic of the two of you instead of her friends, wow what a lucky mom to have such a sweet kid.

I may not have been handed a perfect life (who has?) and quite honestly often times I am consumed with grief at my current set of circumstances. I have been given a miracle and things are slowly improving whether I chose to see it or not.

I have said it before and I’ll keep saying it (until I make myself believe it) Life is truly about perception.  Keeping that glass half full and staying positive are the keys to my success.

It’s a gloomy day and I would love to spend it in bed with the covers over my head…. instead I am writing a blog post to talk myself into believing maybe I actually did an OK job raising these seven wonderful kids that God has entrusted in my care. Who am I to doubt His wisdom?

To all the moms  sitting at their kitchen table sipping their coffee wishing they wouldn't have screamed at their kids this morning for not packing their backpacks last night or for forgetting their field trip forms or for the moms stuck in traffic wishing they wouldn't have been so crabby before they left the house. Lighten up, for all you do wrong today you will get a thousand more things right!

Birthdays Are Overrated

Last Sunday October 5^th was Lauren’s 27^th birthday. Some birthdays are better than others. Life is often unfair and just plain hard.

Sunday morning we were in Indiana for my nieces wedding. We stayed in a hotel and Lauren slept well and started her morning in a good mood. It was a typical morning other than being in a hotel. Her behavior was pretty normal. We got dressed, checked out, stopped for gas and coffee and headed to my nephew’s house 20 minutes away to pick up the rest of the Murphy group. We were planning a big birthday breakfast for Lauren.

Within a few minutes of arriving at my nephew’s house, Lauren starting walking around in circles, similar to a dog chasing his tail. I walked over to her and noticed her gaze was not right. I asked, “Lauren, are you having a seizure?” Not sure why I asked her, clearly she couldn’t answer me? She stared motionless for about a minute before the convulsions started. The actual clonic part of the seizure lasted about 4 minutes. We called 911 and could hear the sirens just moments after the seizure stopped. Kuddos to our first responders for getting there so quickly.

This was Lauren’s third seizure, I have witnessed all three, Erin has been there for two and the rest of the kids as well as Dave and my nephew had to witness this last one. Watching a person seize is very unpleasant. It is a helpless feeling that is hard to describe. All you can do is hope and pray that the seizure ends quickly. From what I have been told by health professionals, seizures do not cause more damage unless they are the kind that last over 20 minutes. In some cases patients even show signs of improvement after a seizure.

The paramedics checked her out and determined that she seemed ok and they could transport her to the ER or we could just let her rest. The ER would most likely just tell me to follow up with her doctor. We decided against the hospital and let her rest a couple hours before we headed back home. Within 2 hours of our car ride, she was singing in the car. Clearly she was less unscathed than the rest of us.

I called her doctors office bright and early Monday morning, and again in the afternoon. I have had issues in the past with her doctor returning calls or emails. Welcome to the world of TBI’ S and brick walls. I have made my way through more than my fare share of brick walls along this journey.

Lauren had therapy at 1:00 on Monday and I decided to bring her even though I still hadn’t heard from her doctor. She seemed back to her old self and I didn’t think cancelling therapy would be necessary.  I am a bit of a multi tasker so I decided to run by West County Mall while she was at therapy and exchange a dress I had ordered online at Nordstrom for Sam’s wedding in a bigger size and a different color. With all the comfort food I ate Sunday and Monday I should have ordered it two sizes bigger.

As I walked in Nordstrom, in the words of Ms Oprah Winfrey, I had a bit of an Aha moment. Nordstrom for me in the past was always just a cut through store for me to get to my car. I always loved that store but the price point was a little out of reach. I have always been a Marshalls, or Target kind of girl. A few years ago, Lauren got me a pair of jeans from Nordstrom for Christmas. They were too small (why is everything always too small?) so I retuned them and got a different style and size. I remember shopping and thinking, “wow, I love this store. Not only do they have pretty things they actually come to the dressing room and alter them for you.” They don’t do that at Target. A whole new word opened up for me that day. I remember thinking how that as soon as I got my last kid through Catholic high school I was going to become a faithful Nordstrom shopper.

Yesterday as I was in Nordstrom I literally laughed out loud thinking how just a few years ago Nordstrom was one of the biggest goals I had on my life plan. Could I be any more shallow?  I looked at a few of the sale racks and thought to myself. “I have absolutely no desire to wear anything in this store.” All I really want is for my kids to be healthy. I would sell my soul to the devil and walk around Nordstrom naked if I could have my old life back.  5 minutes into my Nordstrom trip I realized I left my phone in the car and sprinted towards the parking lot. I was still waiting for the doctor to return my call and I didn’t like being unreachable in case Lauren had any issues.

I had no missed calls but decided it was best for me to get gas and head back towards therapy in case Lauren needed me.          

I never did receive a call back from her doctor on Monday. I finally talked to someone in his office Tuesday that relayed that he would set up a phone call meeting to discuss her seizure on Friday? What??? Friday….you have got to be kidding me, 5 days after her seizure?

Unfortunately I had to pull out my mama bear claws again and after three more phone calls and lots of tears on my end. The doctor agreed to call me 30 minutes later. Why do I have to cry to get the medical attention that my daughter deserves? There has to be an easier way. Is this doctor so busy that an 18-minute phone call (according to my call log) had to be scheduled 5 days after a 5-minute grand mal seizure?

Starting tonight, her anti seizure medicine is being increased and I hope and pray it doesn’t turn her into a zombie. It took her over 8 weeks to adjust when it was first prescribed back in July of 2013. I guess this is just another little bump in the road of life. We will make it through; we always do Murphys Don’t Quit!