I Joined A Gym

My sister is getting married in June. I am one of her 14 bridesmaids....yes I said 14. Six of my fellow bridesmaids are my beautiful daughters. In an effort to not look  fat and ancient next to my fresh faced thin offspring, I joined a gym at the beginning of January. I also went back on my strict diet. It worked for me in the past when I wanted to lose weight for my 40th....OK maybe it only worked briefly because I managed to put all but 10 lbs of the 39 lost back on.

I started my diet on Jan 1st and joined the gym on Jan 11th. My membership came with a personal training session. I have a friend who is in a wedding in April so it helps to have a work out buddy. We scheduled our free personal training session with Greg for the following morning at 6 am. I was eager to get started.

Greg talked to us about our goals and eating habits and health histories. Then he took our measurements and weight. First off. I wold like to say...."your scale is wrong." I decided it would be best not to argue and seriously considered taking off all my clothes and asking for a do over.

Greg went through our numbers and proceeded to tell me that my body fat percentage was so bad in fact it wasn't even on the chart. The very poor column only went up so high. Thanks Greg....I appreciate that little tidbit of information!! By the way Greg....you look like you could drop a few pounds yourself....How did you get this job??????

I decided not to let my trainer Greg get in my way. I have been getting up every weekday morning at 5:20 to go to the gym. We are in our third week and have been going strong. We are not looking like super models yet....but we are well on our way.

Monday when I was working out an older gentleman came up to me and asked me how my "baby" was. I guess he could tell by the confused look on my face that I didn't have a baby. He said, "Oh I'm sorry, I have you confused with another blonde that comes here that has a baby." I thought....have you been talking to "Greg?" Apparently my body fat percentage makes me look like a new mom. I love this gym!!!!

They have other trainers that work with people in the gym. One female trainer looks to be around her late fifties or early sixties. She has jet black hair and looks as if she has spent her life working in the coal mines. She weighs about 85 lbs and to me looks gaunt and scrawny not muscular. She has kicked me off of machines twice...She will say, "Excuse me, do you mind moving? We only have one more set?" The first time it happened I thought, "that was rude but maybe they were in a hurry." The second time I got kicked off my machine because "they only had one more set to do." I should have said, "Sure, my time is obviously so much less important than yours, I couldn't possible have anything to do this morning." Instead I smiled and it came out like, "Sure, here you go."

I HATE THE GYM!!

Oh and I have a follow up appointment with Greg in the morning. I am getting on the scale naked this time!!!

Surgery Sucks!!

Recently I spent some time sitting with some dear friends while their son  underwent an 8 hour brain surgery. My plan was to stop by the hospital, offer some support, stay a few hours and go on with my day. It was such an emotional roller coaster of a day, I couldn't drag myself away. They received the good news from the surgeon around 4pm that their son was doing great and his prognosis coudn't be any better. I hugged mom and dad and felt priveliged that I could be a small part of what  I'm sure was one of the most difficult days they will ever endure.

I had such a lump in my throat while sitting at the hospital, although I was very scared for my friends son, I couldn't help but being flooded with memories of the times that Dave and I spent sitting in a hospital waiting room hoping our baby girl Erin would be OK. Surgery was such a big part of our life from 1993 through 1997 it became our new "normal." I have tried to forget..... but it's part of our past and has formed us into the family that we are whether we like it or not.

When we (ok it was really just me)  decided to go ahead and fix Erin's scalp we thought it would be a one time thing. Dave just went along with what I said. He had "Yes Dear" down by the time princess Erin came along. The original surgery was a scalp reduction, the surgeon was unable to remove all the defect and suggested we wait 6 weeks and try tissue expansion to make new scalp to correct the area that was missing hair. This is the point where I wish I had my time machine to go back and decide that enough is enough and we would not be having more surgery. 2 surgeries became 4 then 6 became 9 and here we are at 12!

I have decided not to beat myself up over the decisions that I made...ok verbally I have stated I will no longer beat myself up....in reality, my heart still aches for my choices and I wish I had a do over.

Childrens hospital in St. Louis is an amazing place, Dave and I spent hours and hours pacing their hallways. They used to have this big waiting room with hard plastic chairs all around the perimeter of the room. To the left of the door was a countertop with coffee and a phone, a beige push button phone that rang all day. On the other end of the phone was always a nurse from the OR telling which family to come down to the double doors that lead to the operating room to meet with the surgeon.

I never thought about it until yesterday while waiting with my friends but Dave and I always sat as far away from the phone as possible. As much as we wanted to hear that all was good and she was finished....we were scared out of our ever living minds. I hated that phone and everything that went on on the other side of the double doors!!!

 On one particular surgery, things went way longer than expected. Dave and I sat and watched family after family, answer that stupid phone. We kept waiting for someone to say, "Murphy." We were always one of the first ones there and the last to leave. This particular surgery I remember as if it was yesterday. She was scheduled for 3 hours and we were creeping up on hour six. Dave and I were so young, not even 25 years old, we were too young and naive to demand better communication. I do not fault the hospital, they were concentrating on Erin. Dave finally went and asked someone to check and one of the nurses came out to explain that they had some complications and it shouldn't be much longer.  

When I finally got to see her, she was all bandaged up as usual with a big turbin of white, partially blood soaked gauze and tape. This time  she had an IV on each hand and one on each foot. It was so sad...they needed one for fluids, one for medicine, one for blood draws and one for blood transfusions. Each of her precious little hands and feet had a little square board under her IV's to keep them from bending. My heart hurts each time I think about it, she was only 3 years old.

I could go on and on about each of her 12 surgeries and list all of her complications. (trust  me, we had many) What compelled me to write about this today is to remember how I felt...... not so much what happened.

Sitting with my friends yesterday....I felt it again. I felt it for them and selfishly I felt it for me. It is a feeling I don't ever want to experience again. It is sheer panic, the best way for me to describe it is if someone jumps out from behind a corner and scares you!! You are panicked for a second and your heartbeat returns to normal. When your child is undergoing long tedius surgeries it is as if your heart is being held hostage in a state of panic for hours and hours. The word nervous is just not an appropriate enough word. It is sheer terror. Each spouse tries to stay strong for the other but in reality you would prefer to jump off a building to stop feeling so scared.

 It is what it is and it has molded us to be the family that we are today. It will always be a dark spot in our past. It has also helped Dave and I to learn to not sweat the small stuff. We have always been blessed to have kept things in perspective. Even though what we have experienced with Erin was difficult, we also met many families who have dealt with much worse. Erin was the type of kid who made it easy, she never complained. She is beautiful inside and out.


This has helped mold my beatufil Erin to make the decision to become a nurse. Erin is almost 21 and she only has a year and a half left of school until she becomes an RN. There is not a doubt in my mind that she won't be the most loving compassionate pediactric nurse St Louis Childrens Hospital has ever seen.

Unfortunately Erin's health issues are ongoing and we can't predict whether or not she will need more surgery. She did have a 12 year break from the time she was 5 until 17 without complications. Her last procedure was in May of this year and I would love to say it gets easier but it doesn't.

I couldn't be more proud of my little nursing student!!

Just when you think I'm gone for good....BAM I come out of nowhere!

 I have had nothing to write about for months. My family is perfect and my girls are complete angels, they never fight and Ryan has straight A's and all of his teachers adore him.


Oh wait, I think that was a dream I had the other night about my imaginary family. In reality...Dave is still quirky, Sam has a new job(good thing), Lauren was without power in NYC thanks to hurricane Sandy, Erin still calls twice a week complaining how hard school is, Shannon calls three times a week to let me know that her head hurts or her throat hurts or to tell me she smuggled a kitten in her dorm room (does she even like cats? ) Kelsey can't make a decision on where she may want to go to college and apparently it is somehow my fault, Ryan was flunking math....brought it up to a C in two weeks after I threatened to kill him, Maggie is still sweet as ever....waiting for that shoe to fall!

I am working at Macy's again for the Christmas season, I really just wanted the discount....not sure I want to work. Oh wait isn't that what is wrong with this country? I guess I can suck it up and put a big smile on my face and spread holiday cheer.

Thanksgiving is around the corner and I am excited to have most of my babies at home. Lauren won't be able to join us for Thanksgiving or Christmas so it won't be the same. On the bright side we will not be doing our annual dysfunctional Christmas card this year. No worries, I will figure something out, somehow I will get a Christmas card out that shows the happy family!

Dave is adjusting to his new job, he travels a lot which means I get my bed, my thermostat and my remote all to myself....I really miss him when he is gone.

Ok so maybe I do miss him, but not as much as the kids. Normally he is only gone a day or two. On the weeks that he is gone 4 or 5 days....rarely...Ok often times I resemble Linda Blair in the Exorcist when I am on day 4 without any moral support from the one who helped me create all these idiots I live with.(kidding....kind of)

Yesterday we had an especially crazy day, I only had a few minutes to change clothes after work, grab Ryan at school , go back home and pick up Kelsey, drop Ryan off at his other soccer practice 30 minutes away, pick up a gift card to bring to Kelsey's Cross Country Banquet and get to the banquet by 6.

When I picked Ryan up he suggested he stay home from practice to make things easier. His practice was just club training and he didn't mind missing. I thought, "That would really make my life easier." Dave had to get Maggie to her practice at 6 and he had a parade committee meeting for the St. Pats Day Parade. Earlier,Grandma had graciously agreed to pick Ryan up from his practice at 7 pm.

I made it to the banquet just 10 minutes late and watched everyone eat the scrumptious food. ( I am back on Medifast) During the coaches speech I could hear my purse vibrating, I stepped outside and called grandma back. I had 4 missed calls. She told me she couldn't find Ryan. I was a little aggravated and said, "He is always the last one off the field, he will find you." Twenty minutes later she called back and said, "Do you think he could have went home with someone else?" I said,  "No, but I will call Dave and ask him to call his coach." (I didn't have the coaches number.) Dave didn't answer his phone and I was starting to get furious with Ryan, then I thought to myself, "I don't remember telling Ryan on the way to practice that grandma was picking him up, then I remembered Oh Shit, Ryan didn't go to practice." No wonder I didn't remember our conversation on the way there....he wasn't in the car.

One of these days I will have this parenting thing down to a science...I may even learn to say Oh Goodness instead of Oh Shit!!