Too much Time Alone To Think
I was always the type of person that would never go to the movies or a
restaurant alone. Times when I was alone (rarely) and hungry I would go to a
drive thru, park and eat in my car so people wouldn’t think I was a lonely girl
with no friends. Whenever I saw someone
alone I always had a whole scenario in my head that I’m sure was right on
point. For instance, an elderly man eating alone is surely newly widowed and
can’t bear to eat alone in his empty house another night. A good-looking businessman
having dinner alone without a wedding ring is obviously alone because he
cheated on his wife and she took him to the cleaners, as she should have. Am I
the only one crazy enough to think I can read a person just because they are
having a meal alone? I realize I’m a little crazy but I still continue this fun little
game in my head.
Today I spent the day alone at the beach. As I was setting
up my beach chair (all alone) I couldn’t help but laugh at myself while
wondering what all the groups of people thought “my story” was as I was setting
up my chair. My plan was to run on the
beach as soon as I got there then read in my beach chair until it was time to
go get Lauren. I run with my swimming suit under my running clothes so I can
jump in the ocean when I finish running to cool off. I drank too much coffee on
the way to the beach and quickly realized running on the beach wouldn’t be the
brightest idea for this mom of 7 with a weak bladder. I quickly stripped down
to my “mom” tankini and took a quick dip in the ocean to cool off . Okay really
I just had to pee. I dried off and put my running clothes back on over my suit.
My plan was to run the first mile then walk/run the rest of
the way. I made it to .94 before I decided I was done running and that I actually
hate everything about running. A little voice inside my head could hear Dave’s
voice saying, “Come on Punkin, you can do it, .6 more….Murphys Don’t Quit!”
Only my voice was much stronger in my head saying, “Screw you Dave…..I’m not a
freaking Murphy, I married into this name and I am stopping at .94. Then I
laughed to myself and skipped instead of ran the last .6. Despite the horrendous run, I had a nice quiet
peaceful morning and ended up walking 5 more miles. I spent the time alone with
my thoughts and was finally able to clear my head after a really rough weekend. Not only did I end up with a
clear head, I also ended up with awful chaffing on my thighs. My shorts were wet from
putting them on top of a wet suit and ….well basically my thighs are just too fat.
Whatever. I have so many other qualities; I never wanted to be a leg model
anyway.
As I was walking I was thinking about life and how much of
our lives are about following your dreams and how much are about following your
circumstances. When I was a kid my dream was to own a dance studio and be a tap
dance teacher. Clearly I missed the ambition gene but a dream is a dream I
guess. My dream kind of fizzled and lost steam when my dance classes were on
Thursday night. We all know Thursdays are must see TV. I preferred skipping
dance class to watch an episode of Cheers. That dream quickly went up in smoke when I quit dance when I was 13.
I don’t remember really having many other aspirations.
Walking alone on that crowded beach full of families
enjoying their vacations I wondered; How many of these people have followed
their dreams and how many have followed their circumstances. Is there a
difference? How many will look back to
this time in their lives and wish they could freeze time to this exact moment?
Watching their children build sandcastles and play in the ocean. Something so
simple, yet so completely magical, only they don’t even realize it yet.
One of my past biggest fears was always that Lauren would
have another seizure. Up until last week she had had 5 seizures in a 2-year
period. They are super scary and I have witnessed 4 of them. Last week she had 6 seizures in just 3 days
time; 4 of them on Saturday. Looking back I am pretty proud of the way I
handled all of her seizures. I remained calm, had her medication at my
fingertips, and was able to take charge of her care to get her back to baseline
and back on the medications she needs despite what her doctor had wanted to
try. Obviously this little experiment was an epic fail and her new medication
was not doing the trick. I’m thinking of
getting myself a T- Shirt that says “Seizure Slayer.”
Being the primary caregiver for someone with a TBI
(Traumatic Brain Injury) is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is also the
most rewarding thing I have ever done. Throughout this journey many obstacles
have been thrown my way. I keep telling
myself; “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” I have dodged so many damn wrenches that I have
lost count….. Guess what?….I am becoming one bad ass wrench dodger.
I received an email this week confirming Lauren’s admit date
for QLI in Omaha. She will move into her new temporary home on 8-24. I am in
the process of filling out my Apartment application and it is super scary to
again be away from my loving family for a time period that is a minimum of 3
months but could be up to 6 months or even longer. The epiphany that I had today on my walk on
the beach was that last weekend was awful to say the least but it was also just more
proof that Murphys are super tough and can handle anything. Well maybe not
anything….running is the exception…running is just stupid!!!!
Back at my beach chair I peacefully settled in with my book and watched
all the families. I fondly thought of all of our past vacations building sandcastles,
swimming and baking Shannon. Then I giggled as I thought to myself, I
wonder if these people have had enough time to figure out my story. Clearly I was alone for a
reason, I must be a dance studio owner alone on vacation celebrating another
successful dance recital. Nah…I am a weird loner with a weak bladder who has 0
friends and would prefer to read alone in a beach chair than interact with the
general public…..If only they knew!!
Bring on Omaha…We got this!
No comments:
Post a Comment