Spandex Sally
I am the furthest thing from a feminist. I have absolutely
no problem letting a man take care of me. I do not shovel snow, cut grass or
take the trash out. Come to think of it,
I don’t cook or clean too much either….
While I have been in Florida I am the head of the household and I’m not
enjoying my new role. The week after I moved in I went to the leasing office to request
my mail key as it suggested in my welcome binder. The office manager introduced
me to the maintenance man and let me know that he would make me a key and
deliver it to my door. He is a young, fairly good-looking Hispanic man. His
accent was so thick that when he introduced himself to me I didn’t catch his
name. I decided to just call him “Eduardo.” It seemed to suit him.
I have been committed to working on myself, (mind, body and
spirit) while I am down here in Florida. I unsuccessfully tried that last time
I was here. I ended up only going to church once, I ate way too many Mint Oreos
and ran so much that instead of losing a few pounds I lost a few toenails and
ended up with a horrible case of planter fasciitis. My tan was fabulous but the
age spots were an unwelcome new addition to my forehead and stayed with me long
after I lost my golden tan. This year
will be different.
I bought a bike at Target because I still can’t run due to heel
pain. Dave came to Florida to help me move in. Basically I just needed him to
carry the heavy stuff…(this was way before Eduardo entered the picture.) I
bought a bright purple Magna brand mountain bike complete with a floral basket,
a padded seat and a fancy clip on water bottle holder thing. She is a real beauty;
I refer to her as the purple princess. Back in the day I took a spinning class
at the gym and my butt hurt for weeks. I never went back. I am kind of a baby
when it comes to pain so not only did I buy a padded seat for the purple
princess but I also went to a bike shop and spent an ungodly amount of money on
figure flattering spandex padded bike shorts. I decided against the matching
form fitting spandex top.
Dave flew back home and it was just Lauren and I ready to
work on another new beginning. I dropped her off at school on Monday and
decided to go for a bike ride. I put on my new bike shorts along with a spots
bra and tank top ready to ride. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I
literarily laughed out loud. The fact that the price of my new shorts could
have fed a family in a village somewhere in Ethiopia for 6 months was not lost
on me. I decided to embrace my new look, despite how unforgiving it was. I’m
sexy and I know it!
I have never been athletic and I soon learned that answering
a phone and riding a bike are tasks that should never be shared. After finding
myself underneath the purple princess in a patch of grass near the bike trail I
quickly jumped up and looked around to make sure there were no witnesses.
Luckily I was all-alone on the bike trail…maybe my outfit scared everyone away.
I put my apartment key in my little velcro floral basket in a zip lock baggie. After
finishing my ride I parked my bike outside my door and looked for my key. Uhh
Ohh, my key was gone. That meant I had to go to the office in my spandex bike
shorts and see if they had a master key to let me in. Of course Eduardo was
there to save the day and let me in. Crisis averted.
Over the weekend I caught up on laundry. Somehow I blew a
fuse and my washer and dryer quit working. I went to the fuse box and nothing
looked out of the ordinary. I figured it was a simple fix but didn’t feel like
dealing with it over the weekend. Fast forward to Monday and as I was walking
across the parking lot towards my door Eduardo appeared out of nowhere. I told
him about my issue with the washer and dryer and he came in and fixed them for
me. It took him 30 seconds , it was a fuse problem as I suspected. At this
point I’m beginning to suspect that Eduardo thinks I am making up excuses to
lure him into my empty apartment.
Later that afternoon I was at the mailbox trying to figure
out how to get the tiny mailbox key to work and who do I see over my left shoulder
as I am on my 4th or 5th attempt to open the mail box ? Of
course, Eduardo himself. I said a quick prayer to God, “Oh dear God if you are
really out there, for love of Pete, help me get this mailbox open.” I would
have died if I had had to ask for help.
Flashback to 1998 and Dave and I were living in Florissant.
A single mom with a teenage son moved in the rental house next door. She was
very friendly and took a liking to Dave. She seemed to always need help with
something. I was never the jealous type but it was starting to really grind on
my nerves every time she showed up on my front porch and would say, “Dave, can
you help me with……” Her name was Beth
but I affectionately referred to her (behind her back of course) as “Braless
Beth” I mean seriously, doesn’t that hurt? Those things could use some support.
My favorite braless Beth memory was the time she came over when Dave and I were
fighting. I can’t remember what it was about but I’m sure it was nothing I did
wrong, he probably did something stupid, (per usual). Anyhooo, she came over
because she couldn’t find her can opener and needed help opening her off-brand
stewed tomatoes. Who the hell eats that?? I was sitting at the dining room table
helping one of the kids with homework, Braless Beth waited in the foyer and
Dave was in the kitchen trying desperately to open the can. Dave has many
talents but lets be honest, none of them are in the kitchen. He struggles with
the microwave, and has no clue how to preheat an oven. Using a can opener is
like asking him to perform brain surgery. I watched for a while stifling my
giggles, finally he had to turn to me and ask for help. (I win)
Beth didn’t live next door for long, she confided in me one
day that she couldn’t afford the house and that she would be moving soon. She
also shared with me that even though she hadn’t been formally diagnosed that
she had some psychic gifts and she just knew that she was slowly dying. Her
breast implants were leaking silicone all throughout her body and she felt in
her heart that she should start getting her affairs in order because the end
was near. I felt for Beth and suggested that maybe she should see a doctor???
And buy a good bra…..that could be the problem.
Standing at that mailbox it dawned on me….I am Braless Beth.
OMG Eduardo probably calls me Spandex Sally. Since that day at the mailbox, I
spend my time trying to avoid Eduardo. Damn if that boy isn’t outside every
time I walk out my door. I pulled up to my apartment the other day and was on
the phone with Kelsey, she was trying to get off the phone. I told her she
needed to keep talking to me until I was safely inside my apartment. I was
desperately trying to avoid eye contact with Eduardo. Seriously Eduardo, don’t
you have somewhere that you need to be?
It has been raining all week here in Florida and that means
less time with the purple princess and more time at the mall. Yesterday I saw a
fabulous spandex leopard print jumpsuit in the window of Fredricks of Hollywood. I decided
to buy it and wear it next time I blow a fuse or need something fixed. I think
it would look great with my fuzzy stilletos .
I called Dave and let him know that I purchased a flight for
him to come to Lauren’s graduation from the Aphasia Center. I told him that I
spent the money because I just missed him so much. Lets be real here for a
minute….I need someone to carry my luggage.
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