I was walking through Target this week and I had an epiphany...I know you are all dying to hear what brilliant epiphany I came up with? Okay, maybe it wasn't and actual epiphany but more like a thought. I was walking past the little girls department and the clothes were so cute ,I thought  to myself that I wish that I would have had the money to buy whatever caught my eye when my girls were little. I used to get bags of hand me downs from friends and friends of friends and it was awesome but I always wished I could afford more.Then I remembered the lyrics to that Kenny Loggins song that I used to sing all the time back in the day;

And even though we ain't got money,
I'm so in love with you, honey,
And everything will bring a chain of love.

     Dave and I laugh looking back, we didn't plan all this chaos. We have heard it all, "You know what causes that?" "Maybe you should get the TV fixed?" Ever think about getting cable?" I am so thankful we didn't figure out what caused that, we didn't fix the TV and we didn't get cable. I may not have been able to afford cute Target outfits for my girls  (luckily both grandmas liked to shop) but somehow we raised some pretty amazing kids.

     Besides, if we had money and would have started a college fund, I guarantee none of these kids would have went to college. It's Murphy's law, didn't I marry a Murphy? One of Dave's favorite things he likes to tell me is, "Ya know Col, you don't have to spend money every single day." I always laugh and say, "Don't be silly honey, of course I do.  I have to make up for the '90's when I was busy spitting out your precious offspring every other year instead of shopping."

      Building a family is tough, I always feel like I am doing it wrong. Did I give my kids enough love, attention, time, things, nutrition, sunscreen (sorry Shannon), the list goes on and on. The short answer is probably no AND yes. Could I have done better? I'm sure I could have; could I have done worse? Most definitely.

     Lucky for me, I didn't know how hard of a job being a parent was going to be. If I would have known then what I know now, I would have most likely spent the 90's on three different forms of birth control as well as abstinence just to be on the safe side. I used to have a plaque hanging in my kitchen that said, "Raising kids is like being pecked by a chicken." That was my favorite quote for a while until I came across the quote, "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree." I never could bring myself to hang that one on the wall. I was too busy crying!

     I still have two teenagers to go and I'm terrified. So far so good. These two have been through so much. It's hard enough to be a kid these days but throw in a sister with a super sad set of circumstances and a mom who isn't even in the same state and it's sink or swim. I hope and pray that I have given them enough to not only swim but to fly. Lucky for them they have an awesome dad and some pretty terrific siblings who are dealing with the same issues and sadness.

     For the first half of my married life I spent so much time wishing I had more. More designer clothes, a nicer car, a bigger house, a bigger paycheck, etc. Through the years things got better and I actually got all of those things that I longed for. I now have a bigger house, designer clothes, a bigger bank account etc. But the jokes on me....I always had everything I needed. It wasn't about what I didn't have it was always what I DID have.  I was too stupid to see that. I had a husband who adored me and worked his ass off going to school and work so he could give me everything that I always wanted. But the thing is, I already had everything I needed. 

     What I wouldn't give to be living back in that tiny house in Overland with my piles of laundry, dirty dishes, (no dishwasher) dirty diapers, fingerprinted walls and sticky kitchen table. Who would have thought that feeling like I was being pecked by a chicken could be so absolutely wonderful?