Sorry, I Don't Have Time For A Therapist .....This Is Cheaper.

     I have always been the type of mom that was great with bee stings and skinned knees. I could make a fabulous paste with baking soda and toothpaste to put on a bee sting and I always had a kitchen cabinet stocked full of Little Mermaid band-aids just in case of an emergency. I remember once after one of Erin’s surgeries, at St. Louis Childrens Hospital, she had shared a room with a kid with chronic issues. When the doctors came in the room for a history, her mother rattled off a long list of medications and side effects as well as past admissions. As the mother was verbally going down the painfully long list of awful things that her daughter had been dealing with,  I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I was feeling like I was carrying such a big burden watching my toddler in pain when this mother seemed to never catch a break. Dave and I looked at each other as we sat shocked on the other side of the privacy curtain and mentally thanked our lucky stars that we were not “that mother”. Our daughter was only staying because anesthesia made her throw up a gazillion times no matter what anti nausea drugs they gave her.

    Fast forward to present day and today was just plain shitty. Driving home from the Aphasia Center today I looked over and saw the back of Lauren’s head. I immediately knew something was wrong. I could tell she wasn’t just looking out the window, her head was turned too much to the right, it was actually turned so much it was almost facing the head rest behind her. I called her name several times and unsuccessfully tried to nudge her head back towards the center. I was driving at the time so it wasn’t easy. I pulled over in front of a stop sign, I didn’t care if I was blocking traffic, I have a rental car and have no clue where the hazards button is.  Luckily a policeman was at the stop sign going the opposite way. I rolled down the window stuck out my arm and motioned him over. When he pulled up I quickly told him that she was seizing and turned my attention back to her.

    This seizure was different; her beautiful face was still contorted like all the seizures in the past but the convulsions seemed less severe. I looked at the clock as soon as I noticed her head turned, from start to finish it was only about 2 minutes. Of her 6 seizures since the accident this was the shortest. She did foam at the mouth a bit and her lips and area around her mouth turned a bluish color. (I think my heart may have stopped for a bit) That was a symptom that I hadn’t noticed happening before.  I have medicine to give her that I ALWAYS carry with me that will prevent her from having seizures back to back. I asked the policeman if he had any water so I could give her the medicine.  He let me know that they have to wait for medical professionals. I looked down, and luckily Lauren never goes anywhere without her lemon flavored Vitamin Water. (I wasn’t waiting) She was lethargic but responding, she was able to swallow the pill without issue.  I asked her to take out her invisalign, I didn’t want her to choke on them if she had another seizure. She was worried about finding the case before she took them out. At that point I was pretty confident that her cognition was good. The ambulance showed up and I started making calls to her epilepsy specialist’s office. We just weaned her off a medication so I was kind of expecting this. As crappy as it is, it is part of our world now.

     While in the back of the ambulance they were taking her vitals and checking her blood sugar I was rattling off her lengthy history and hospitalizations, medication lists and past medications and past seizures etc.  Then it hit me, Oh my God, I AM “That Mother.”  It is an exclusive club that no one wants to be a part of. No amount of Little Mermaid band-aids or baking soda paste can fix this. This is big time boo boos and many times I would like to run away, but I can’t.  I don’t have to like my set of circumstances but I do have to look for the positive because, as in everything in life, there is always something positive. Sometimes my take away can be the simple fact that I have mastered silent crying. Often times I can be grocery shopping or sitting on a plane or even watching TV and slow tears are rolling down my face. Not a soul even notices, this is something I have perfected in the last two years. But on the flip side, I can still laugh and I laugh a hell of a lot more than I cry. 

      I even laughed tonight. After dinner, (2 hours post seizure) Lauren got up and started cleaning the kitchen. I sent a pic of her loading the dishwasher in a group text to reassure the family that she was back to her old self. When she saw the pic (a while later), we were sitting on the couch watching TV. She said, "Oh My God my ass is huge." then she zipped up the bag of chocolate covered pretzels and put them in the kitchen.

    Everything happened pretty quickly today and I am pretty proud of how I handled everything. Unfortunately I am becoming an expert. This seizure didn’t seem as bad as the others. Maybe it was milder, or maybe I am just getting used to them? The frustrating part for me is getting a specialist to call me back. I understand that they see seizures daily but come on….is it really Okay to tell a mom, “the doctor will call you back tonight or tomorrow morning by the very latest? Seriously?? 

     This isn’t the first time I have had this issue, I even looked at switching doctors once when a different doc was slow at returning calls. My options were finding a less knowledgeable doctor that calls me back or going to a top rated doc that returns calls when he gets a spare minute. Sometimes being the one in charge of medical decisions, medications and doctor appointments is just too much pressure. For now, I wait….and watch her like a hawk. It's 11:00 pm and I'm still waiting for that call. This is a new doctor and I have yet to get out my bear claws, the others have seen the claws and have learned to return my calls quickly. No worries, this one will learn as well. I will spend the night watching Lauren sleep and carefully and meticulously, sharpening my well manicured claws.