So I just had my dreaded yearly GYN exam. I left work early to go home and shave my legs, because I am sure my Doctor cares if my legs are shaved. When I arrived at his office I decided to leave my phone in the car. Whenever I put it to silent I always forget to change it back and I miss a zillion calls. (all of which I'm sure are important) The girls at the front desk told me he was really behind. I sat there for over an hour looking at all the super young really pregnant girls, I could be their mother. Some of them had their toddlers and babies with them. Sitting there I realized #1 I am old and #2 I am thankful that I am not dealing with a toddler other than the one with slobbery hands that doesn't belong to me that keeps touching my freshly shaved legs. There was no clock in the waiting room so I was afraid it was getting late, Ryan had a 6:00 baseball game and I needed to coordinate who was getting him and who would watch Maggie, everyone was scattered tonight.

They finally called my name and brought me to a room where I got to wear the lovely paper skirt for the next half hour waiting for my Doctor. I didn't have an annoying toddler to annoy me anymore so I was forced to read all the posters hanging on the walls. I learned about, HPV, Herpes, Pregnancy and child birth, what to expect at an Ob/Gyn exam and several forms of birth control. I realized the only reading material that actually applied to me while sitting in that cold office was the bone density model across from me that showed the effect of osteoporosis.

My Doctor finally arrived and apologized for being late. We talked for a while and I asked him for a referral for a bladder surgeon so I can run without feeling like I belong in a geriatric ward. He told me that the Urologist will most likely want to remove my Uterus. My first thought was, "good riddance uterus, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" I mean come on, I think it has served it's purpose. Now that my brain has had time to process this, I am thinking, should I really go through two procedures so I can run without peeing on myself. Do I really like running anyway?? Then I thought, who would take care of me post op?? Dave would be great for the first 15 minutes, "Can I get you anything punkin?" Then he would go back to taking over the remote and napping. I go see the urologist the second week of August so I will decide then. I am kind of surprised that I am a little more attached to my uterus than I thought I would be. My best friend who has 6 kids and three of them are under three told me, "Oh God, don't even hesitate. If that was me, I would take a knife and rip out my uterus myself." I guess that is the difference between a mother with three kids in diapers vs a mother who is getting ready to drop her baby off in Mobile Alabama for college. : )

Speaking of which, little Miss Erin leaves next weekend, she has decided to spend every waking moment with her friends. She doesn't know how she will ever survive without her friends. (Never mind the women who's bladder you helped destroy.) Lauren is going to the lake with Mike's family for the weekend. It has become a yearly tradition that she goes every year with several dozen of my fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I believe it is time that she learns to make them herself. Every time she tries she forgets an ingredient and screws something up. I realized it is easier to stay up until midnight making them myself, vs watching her incompetence in the kitchen. She got home around 9:30,the same time I finally made it home after Ryan's baseball game and Kelsey's soccer party. Making cookies at 9:30 was the last thing I wanted to do.

Lauren surprised me with a new Coach wallet. Wow, she does love me. I was talking to her about my possible surgery, her response was, "Oh God get rid of your uterus, why would you even think about it." I said "who will take care of me after surgery?" She said, "Good point, goods luck with that, I guess grandma." I feel so loved!!

So I finally made it to bed at 4:15. I woke up this morning to the dog throwing up under my bed. I was too tired to get up so I will just crawl under there later to clean it up. Soon after he jumped up on my bed and had a lovely string of vomit hanging from his chin. Yesterday at WalMart I saw a lost dog sign. It said answers to Mindy wearing a pink collar. I sure hope Seamus can pass as Mindy. Now I have to run to PetsMart and find a pink collar before the party starts. I sure hope Mindy was black otherwise I need to buy a collar AND spray paint!!

I got up, finished my pulled pork and went to do my floors in the foyer. My dessert table was covered in ants. Why do I suddenly have an ant problem?? Luckily I haven't picked up the cake yet, or I would hae had to just embrace it and drizzle the ants in chocolate.

Soon after killing all the ants, I started grilling the burgers. I have about 70 burgers and fifty pieces of chicken to make. I opened the bag of chicken and saw that I bought individually shrinked wraped chicken. It is a good thing I have so much extra time today. I got the first 12 burgers done and started on the next batch. My propane ran out!!! My sister is in town for the party so I asked her if she would mind running to the store real quick to exchange my propane tank. I have twelve burgers on the grill, melting. I went to unhook it, and family of wasps flew out. My always loud sister started screaming like she was being attacked by a bear. I fought off all the wasps and released the propane tank. I told my sister, holy crap, I have already fought off dog vomit, ants, wasps AND my mother and it isn't even 10:00, please pick up a super hero cape for me when you get the propane.

I sure hope Dave is enjoying his golf game. He works so hard, he really deserves to have a little fun while I do all the work!!!!

It is 3:30 AM and I am still up waiting on my pulled pork. The girls graduation party is tomorrow and I do my best work without 8 extra people on top of me. I peeled 5 dozen eggs for deviled eggs and waxed my floors. Unfortunately my house now smells like a big fart thanks to the eggs.

Wednesday night we got to go to a preview showing of the new movie Ramona and Beezus. We saw Toy Story 3 a couple of weeks ago and I thought I may have to sell a kid or two just to buy popcorn. This time the movie was free!! How cool is that. I got an invite by email for moms with blogs, my niece and nephew are staying with me so we had quite the crew. The movie was actually really good, the little girl that played Ramona was the cutest little thing. I am sure this movie will launch her to stardom. We had no business going to the movies this week, we have so much work to do getting ready for the party. Oh well, it is good to take a break from the norm and do something fun. When I asked my 5 year old niece what her favorite part in the movie was she said, "Umm when the cat died." Wow, my sisters kids are even more warped then my children.

Speaking of fun, I just spent the day shopping with my mother. I learned many new things today. For example, when you pull into a parking spot, you should always pull forward so you don't have to back out. If you back out it ruins your axle, and it isn't good for your car. WHAT???? Another thing I learned is that if my mom asks my opinion on something, for example; How many ears of corn should we buy for the party? She really doesn't want to know how many I think we should get unless it is the same number she already has in mind.

We have a big hole in the wall in my powder room where the toilet paper holder USED to be. It has been broken almost 3 years now. I am just going to put a Post It above the hole that says, "Please ask Dave to fix this, Thanks, The management." It may work!!! The party starts at 6 and Dave is playing golf in the morning. I am thrilled about that. Lauren sent me a text this morning that said, "I won't be much help today cooking and cleaning, I am really hung over." Oh yeah because normally I am lost without you, who else will Windex one table and criticize the menu??

My sister just moved back to Missouri from Atlanta. Her husband is in the Army and is the new commander at Fort Leonard Wood. We are excited because my nieces and nephews will be 2 hours away instead of 10. They spent the night Saturday night after driving from Atlanta on the way to their new home. Her little ones Conor (8) and Keira (5) decided to stay with us until Friday when they come back for Erin's graduation party. I am glad they feel comfortable enough to stay, they love playing with their cousins and it is nice to have little ones in the house again. Maggie is 9 but she is 9 going on 20 (remember the string bikini underwear)

My mother is the constant worry wart, she was concerned when my sister left that she was driving in the rain. She is under the assumption that every time a raindrop falls a tornado is certain to follow. Once they made it home safely she went on to worry that my sisters kids were not getting three square meals a day and their cousins were not providing enough attention. She must ask my kids a dozen times a day if they are including Conor and Keira in everything. I have explained countless times that the kids want to stay because they love their cousins and have a blast with them, no need to hover.

She ran to the grocery store first thing Monday morning to make sure they had enough snacks. (my kids have been starving all summer!) She made dinner last night, (she never cooks) My kids were standing around the counter holding their plates drooling. When dinner was ready she looked at them and said, I am going to feed the little ones first. What??? I guess they must be hungrier than the little faces standing in front of you holding their plates.

Keira fell asleep on the couch last night cuddling with Kelsey, grandma came upstairs and said "aww look how she just falls asleep every night." Kelsey said, "I fall asleep every night too grandma."

I am excited that they are here until Friday, that means grandma will keep the snacks coming as well as dinner!! I have a feeling by Friday my kids may just be getting the scraps that the golden grandchildren leave on their plates!!! Luckily my kids aren't shy and they know grandma really does love them she just sees them every day.

My house will never be ready in time for the party, Dave has to pick up tables and chairs as well as a ping pong table that we are borrowing. We are going to the movies Wednesday night. We got invited to a preview showing of Ramona and Beezus for moms with blogs. I was excited I almost feel like a celebrity. We saw Toy Story 3 and I spent almost my whole paycheck. We get to see this movie for free. Yippee!! Conor and Keira are going too. Maybe grandma will give them some money for snacks!!! ( just kidding Grams)

Erin's graduation party is Friday so we are trying to get the house ready this weekend and get our Spring cleaning in so everything is in tip top shape by Friday. Oh that makes me laugh, the pigs I live with will have everything a collasel mess by Tuesday. Dave came in from cutting the grass with a funny look on his face. He said "Look what I almost ran over with the lawn mower." Our house backs up to woods so it is not unusual for him to run over a frog or a snake or even a small toy but today was different. Dave was holding two silicone flesh colored breasts. Erin said, "Oh God, my boobs, I must have dropped them when I got out of the car.

I bought them for her to wear with her prom dress. She couldn't wear a bra with her dress and these were at Target and seemed to do the trick. They are sticky on one ,they sometimes fall out when she sweats. Erin isn't exactly blessed in the chest region and often wears two padded bras to look a little more well endowed. She calls her stick on boobs her "pasties" This isn't the first mishap she has had with her "girls" One time they kept falling out because she was sweaty and she just took them out and put them in her wristlet. Her friend accidentally got them caught in the zipper when she was getting her phone . There is a little chunk missing on the side, luckily for Erin the "pasties" escaped harm at the hands of the lawn mower. She can continue her circuit this summer at the graduation parties looking like a B cup.

Oil in Gulf Shores : (

Alabama was quite the little adventure. We had to find a restaurant to order food considering we had no car. We decided on pizza, I took a shower so I could try and scrub all the remaining oil off my old dry cracked feet from the tar balls on the beach. I assumed that by the time I was finished the food would be ordered. I of course forgot that the two family members left in charge of ordering food are not capable of doing anything for themselves. They would starve if they had to actually do something for themselves. I ordered, pizza, salad, breadsticks and a big chocolate chip cookie. I figured the best way to forget about the fact that I was stranded in Alabama was to eat like a pig.

Erin made herself a makeshift plate out of the top of the styrofoam salad container. Erin is a bit of a pig so her plate was full, she took one step and dropped the whole contents on the floor, right on top of my dirty clothes. Problem being I only packed one bra for my trip and now it was full of marinara sauce. I decided to worry about that later.

The next morning we had to check out by 11 or we had to pay for an extra night. The tow truck didn't show up until 10 so we were essentially homeless until the van was fixed. Erin needed a tampon and apparently Alabama doesn't have tampon dispensers in public bathrooms. I had packed my running shoes as well as my poise pads (hazard of running after giving birth 400 times) in case I decided to exercise on our trip (I didn't) I figured a poise pad would have to hold her over for a while. She hung out at the pool for a while while we were waiting on the van to get fixed. Finally she decided that she really needed a tampon. We asked at the front desk where the nearest convenience store was and we decided to walk. What else did we have to do? Erin used the outside shower to rinse the sand off the back of her legs. Unfortunately for her the water from the shower all absorbed into her old lady diaper.

So here we are, Dave in his swim trunks and a t shirt, me in my one piece and a pair of shorts and Erin in her itty bitty black bikini with an adult diaper that makes her look like she has a penis waking down an Alabama street in search of a tampon. We walked almost 2 miles before we finally found a Walgreens. Dave didn't want to go in because he was carrying two hotel towels and he thought he looked weird. Hello, your daughter is wearing a tiny bikini and she kind of looks like a cross dresser right now, no one will think you look weird because you are carrying towels. Erin did get several honks on the way back, we were wondering what made us think it was a good idea to head out without more clothes? Our luggage was all behind the front desk and we didn't want to bother anyone. That was smart!!

We hung out at the pool until we got the call that our van was done. Yeah hurray!! We were on our way home by 4:00, I was still in my swimsuit and a pair of shorts and changed in a gas station on the road. I didn't have a bra considering it was full of marinara sauce so I just went without. We stopped somewhere in Mississippi and got a hotel and went looking for a place to eat. Dave was ready to have a cow, we decided to eat at a place called The Huddle House and Dave was dying that I wasn't wearing a bra, I thought, "are you kidding me, I am the only one in here with all my teeth, a bra would make me overdressed." We finally made it home on Thursday around 5:00 pm, Maggie was waiting for us in the driveway and couldn't wait to show us the new string bikini underwear that her big sister bought her : (