I can't believe Christmas will be here in 10 days. Where did the time go?? Erin has been back since Friday and the house is hopping again. She has a way of making everyone laugh.

She has grown up a lot since she left for college. The reason I know this is what happened on Sunday night. She was sitting on the hearth holding my large hand mirror plucking her eyebrows when Ryan decided it would be fun to run at her full speed ahead with a pillow and knock the mirror into her face as she plucked her eyebrows. She screamed at him and asked him why he would be such a jerk but the old Erin would have immediately dropped the mirror and pinned the small boy to the ground and pummeled him to death.

Maggie has her school play tomorrow, she is playing the part of Mary. She is a little upset because she saw her costume yesterday at school. She said that the costume isn't even pretty and the veil doesn't match the robe. I don't know what she was expecting, but I doubt the Holy Family stopped by Nordstroms on the way to the manger??

I am almost finished shopping, I have a few more things to buy for my oldest two then I am finished. Yeah hooray. Dave bought himself an early Christmas present AKA midlife crisis present. He bought an electric guitar for himself Tuesday night. He found it on Craigs List and went and picked it up around 9:30 pm. He got home around 10:30 acting like a kid on Christmas morning. He plugged it in and soon realized that he has no idea how to play the guitar. He couldn't wait to get home from work yesterday to play with his new toy. Last night he was a sight for sore eyes sitting in bed in his underwear with a lap top on his lap with guitar playing instructions while he desperately tried to learn a "D" cord. I decided to go upstairs and hang with Erin, Lauren Shannon ,Kelsey and Erin's friend Allie. I sat with them for a while and learned that I could no longer bear the silly girls giddy conversations and that I had no other choice to return to my bedroom and deal with "guitar hero." Finally at around midnight I stated that I think this little mid life crisis was getting the best of me, I would prefer sharing my bed with another woman, she might be a little quieter than the fricken guitar. I think he responded with some idiot comment like "OK, you really don't mind, you are awesome" Funny honey!!

In case anyone was wondering ...I am still alive, life has been very busy. I am back at Macy's working part time for Christmas. Dave drops me off and picks me up every day. He asked me "Is this my part time job or yours?" I said mine, would you rather buy me a new car that isn't the size of a small country that warms up a little faster? He hasn't complained since. I guess Santa won't be leaving me a shiny Lexus with a bow in the driveway this year.

Lauren and Mike broke up a while ago, she spent a few weeks in the fetal position and I ate her pain away while she got even skinnier. We went to lunch for her birthday in October, she cried through the whole meal while I ate my meal as well as hers. The sacrifices I do for my children. Sam broke up with her boyfriend too. It looks like I will never get grandchildren.

Sam and Lauren have been having the time of their lives, they even have run into each other a few times at a few popular bars. Funny how they don't seem to run into each other at church. (They have wine there)

Lauren sent me her Christmas list by email, it stated, "Mom, remember this is my first Christmas without a boyfriend, sad I know : ( here is my list;" underwear (no granny panties) a ridiculously expensive watch and a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes. Kelsey's list was even more ridiculous, she wanted her own room an ipod touch and a bunch of other stuff. She has a better chance of getting her own room than she does an ipod touch and I don't see Maggie planning on moving out anytime soon. I have news for all of them, this year they are getting bibles and turtlenecks!!!

Erin is on her way home for Christmas break. When she came home for Thanksgiving break Dave told her, "Lauren has already stated that her closet is off limits Erin." Erin laughed and said, "I already outsmarted her dad, I have been having Shannon mail me her clothes all semester." I never said my kids were stupid.

When I Christmas shop it is sometimes hard deciding who gets what, four of them are close to the same size. If something is really cute I decide to give it to anyone but Erin. She will most likely end up with it anyway.

Her job for Christmas break has fallen through, so she told me she would do anything that was legal for money. She asked if I knew of any place where she could sell her blood?? She fills out online surveys every week at college so she can get a free pizza. Pizza Hut knows her by name. She scares me!!

Sunday night my Lauren, Shannon, Kelsey and Maggie all crawled in bed with me to watch Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. I haven't been home much with working an extra job and they all wanted to be close to me. They drove me nuts because I couldn't hear a thing and they can't sit still but it was nice to feel loved. It was just like the old days when they were all little and would crawl in bed with me in the morning to snuggle. Usually Maggie is the only one who wants to cuddle with Mommy. They do love me : )

I haven't posted in a while. I am back at work after 2 weeks of medical leave. I didn't have time to write on my blog during those two weeks. I was way too busy buying things on ebay to even think about my blog. I think Dave is very happy I am back at work.

Kelsey had a Cross Country meet to qualify for the state finals meet. She was disappointed that she didn't qualify. Only the top 30 girls qualified, I think she came in somewhere in the mid forties. She shaved a minute 5 seconds off her personal best. Pretty awesome I would say but what do I know?? I took her to McDonald's after her meet. She mentioned to me that if her Spanish teacher should ask, that I was to tell her that my name is Linda. I asked, "Why did you tell her my name was Linda?" She had a perfectly logical explanation. Their seating chart is done alphabetically by their mothers name, her friend Nichole's mother is Lisa so Kelsey was quick on her feet so she could sit by Nichole. Somehow the honesty lesson must have fallen on deaf ears.

Ryan had 9 or 10 boys over for a Halloween party and trick or treating. He was playing in the woods in the afternoon with two of his friends. They found a tree that had fallen over and was stuck on another tree. They decided it would be a good idea to try and knock the tree over so it didn't fall on anyone. What they didn't anticipate was that the tree would fall in the opposite direction and whack my precious baby in the back of the head. He had a huge goose egg on the back of his head. I had to call the exchange and explain that my son was hit by a tree. Leave it to a Murphy. He was able to go on with his party as planned and felt OK considering the huge bump on the back of his head. We had to wake him up last night to make sure his pupils were still the same size and he remembered his name.

I normally post pictures of my kids on Halloween. This year I am going to refrain from posting all the skanky costumes. Lauren was a Show Girl, she left the house in a blue bra and a Kleenex for a skirt, Erin was somewhere in Alabama half naked dressed as an army girl. She had a quarter yard of camouflage fabric covering very little, Shannon wore a sailor outfit. Hers was actually pretty modest aside from the red stilettos. Sam wore her Bumble Bee outfit again and I've been told she received an offer for dinner and a movie based on her get up. Yeah for bumble bees. (maybe I should borrow the costume)Kelsey was a football player and had no skin showing, aside from her forearms. Yeahh for Kelsey!!(she always was my favorite) Ryan was the "Situation" from Jersey Shore and Maggie was Thing 2. I was a stressed out mom due to the fact that I had a house full of boys and my boy had just been whacked in the head with a tree!! I really need to drink more.

We just got back from a road trip to Nashville. We surprised Erin and drove down for her game. I invited her best friend Allie and knew that she would be thrilled to see her. Erin and Allie have been best friends since 1st grade so she is like family, she understands all the Murphy dysfunction. Erin's team was having lunch at her coach's family church in Nashville. We walked in the room where the team was seated and looked around searching for Erin. One of her friends nudged her and had her turn around. (they knew we were coming) I can't remember who she ran to first, I think it may have been Maggie. Just as she was ready to give me a big hug she spotted Allie behind me. I told her, "Go ahead, go hug her." I think what she though I said was, "Erin , please physically push me out of the way to get to your best friend, I don't mind really." Lucky for her, I still love her despite being cast aside. My best friend Katie and I are like that, we complete each other. It's kind of weird and our husbands have learned to understand that we are part of the same person. Erin and Allie are like that and I am glad that she has such a great lifelong friend. (even if she did push her mother)

The car ride was fun, our DVD player is broken so we only had each other for entertainment. That is scary!! We were forced to play Would you rather for hours. That is when you see how twisted your kids are. Ryan asked me, "Mom, would you rather lick peanut butter off a hobo's beard or kill Rick Springfield." "Umm, I'm gonna have to go with killing Rick Springfield. Sorry Rick."

Tomorrow is my surgery, we have to be at the hospital at 5:30, when I told Dave, he said, "You do mean PM right???" I am a little sad that it's the end of an era. I asked Dave, "Aren't you even a little bit sad that we can't have any more kids?" He said, "God No."

Erin called on Friday whining like a little baby because none of her sisters would let her borrow a pair of their ugg boots to keep in Alabama. Her feet are cold in the morning when she walks to class and all she has are her flip flops. No one felt sorry for her and gave up their Uggs, she finally called Lauren and asked her to lend her some money so she could buy her own. Today she called me to tell me she was headed to the beach. I guess her feet warmed up????

Raising teenage girls is oh so much fun. Kelsey and I are kind of like oil and water. We went on a 5 hour road trip a couple of weekends ago for her soccer team. I used that time to try and calmly explain a few issues since I had her strapped in the car and she was unable to roll her eyes and walk away. Ok so she COULD roll her eyes but she could not walk away.

Kelsey has a bad habit of involving herself in as many activities as she can. Don't get me wrong I am glad that she is a kid that likes to be involved but she still needs to be a functioning member of the family. By this I mean; It is not acceptable to use the front room of the house as a dumping ground for all of her stuff. She packs bags for Cross Country, bags for soccer practice, bags for sleep overs, bags for snacks and bags for the sake of bags. She is kind of like a bag lady.

Problem being, she loses her bags week after week. I bought her new expensive Cross Country shoes and she lost them three days later. They were eventually found in a "Bag" in someones trunk. She lost her bag with her deodorant and just grabbed mine off my dresser, stuck it in a bag and lost that too. When she packs her lunch, she is in such a hurry that she drops half the pretzels on the floor and leaves the lid off the huge 5lb jar of pretzels that I buy at Costco. The dog loves it when Kelsey packs her lunch!!

Her asthma has been bad all week, she can't find her inhaler. (I think it may be in a bag somewhere)

Yesterday morning I was trying to get ready for work, Kelsey was in a hurry and had packed her lunch real quick and was waiting for Shannon so she could leave for school. I walked in the pantry and stepped on three pretzels. I noticed the lid was laying on the floor next to the huge jar of pretzels. It looks as if our five hour chat on the way to Rockford IL fell on deaf ears. I asked her, OK yelled at her to get her butt off the couch and pick up the pretzel crumbs and put the lid back on the pretzels.

Dave cornered me and gave me a few suggestions on a better way to deal with teenagers. He said, "You shouldn't yell at her." No one wants to start their day with their mom mad at them." Oh I see, I should have said, "Good morning Kelsey, how was your slumber?? I just stepped on some pretzels, I will think of you fondly all day when I feel the tiny little crumbs between my toes, and when I smell myself while sitting at my desk because I had to use Old Spice again because you keep taking my deodorant." "You may consider joining a few more clubs at school, I would love to rearrange my day to pick you up when you have after school activities and please, please make sure you order at least one T-shirt for each activity and club that you belong to. After all we do have a golden check book."

Kelsey is my 5th teenage daughter, I am still practicing. I figure by the time Maggie is a teenager I may just hide in my room in the fetal position and let Dave handle things. After all he is an expert!!!

Yesterday was my birthday it was pretty uneventful. Ryan's tournament was rained out and Maggie had 2 games. Saturday was teepee night and once again we got hit just before the rain. We have 10 thousand little balls of toilet paper entwined in between Dave's beloved grass. It is best if he just looks the other direction when he gets out of his car. The girls were off school for selling their quota of tickets for the homecoming raffle. What is wrong with this picture?? Kelsey went door to door selling tickets, I bought whatever was left and Shannon watched. I am at work and they are at home enjoying a day off. Dave went to the grocery store in the morning and picked up a dozen roses for my birthday. After 20 years of marriage, he still doesn't get it. CAKE!!! I LOVE CAKE!!!! I don't even like roses??? Next year I will hit him in the head with a brick that says CAKE!!!! It is so hard loving the village idiot but someone has to do it.

We are heading to Chicago this weekend to watch the Cardinals vs Cubs. Grandma is in charge. We only have umpteen games so it should be a piece of cake.....I sure wish I had some cake!!!

Erin has been going to the beach every week. I am not to sure how her grades are but her tan is amazing. She is my facebook friend now but I am teetering on the line of being defriended. I am not allowed to comment on her pictures or status changes anymore. I have to stick to her facebook friend rules or I will be defriended!!

I really hate to brag when my kids do things to showcase their unbelievable intelligence but some days I am just bursting with pride. For instance last night, it was an unusual evening because Ryan is the only one who had soccer practice. The rest of us were home. Intelligent comment number one came from my brilliant daughter Shannon, "Was World War II like the Germans?" Like yeah!!!!

I was asking Maggie about a little boy who was crying in religion class when the priest told the class that animals don't have souls and dogs don't go to heaven. This is when intelligent comment # 2 came into play. Lauren said, "What, dogs don't go to heaven?? What about that movie?? I said "What movie." She sounded really confident that she was right and said, "All Dogs Go To Heaven." Wow Lauren did you think they lived in cars in the sewer system and talked as well??

Erin called and told me that she was studying with a boy at college and she was helping him proofread his English paper. Oh that frightens me, Erin can not spell to save her life. Intelligent comment # 3, "I am really good at English and proofreading." Need I remind anyone of the wonderfully proofread email that she sent me. iam filling out thi sthing for a worrk stud job ... local mailing adress would that be liek my dorm and then permanent woul dbe like river city ... ?? It kind of scares me if this boy thinks that she is better at English than him. I sure hope they don't have children together.






Intelligent act #1
The piece de Resistance was when my only son came home from soccer practice and super glued four of his fingers together.

I took on more hours at work and I am officially full time. My mental status is officially the equivalent of a chicken with it's head cut off. I start my day off every morning by banging the coffee filter basket on the side of the trash can, this serves two purposes, number 1 it gets rid of the bulk of the old coffee grounds so I no longer stop up the garbage disposal at my husbands request and number 2, it wakes princess Lauren up when she is trying to sleep in. I then go in my room to try and find something that will fit my fat body now that I gained 20 lbs of my 40lb weight loss back. Apparently when I do this, I bang the dresser handles so hard that they wiggle back and forth making a horrible noise that wakes my "I never get "good" sleep husband." You would think that considering Lauren and Dave are now awake due to my stomping, coffee filter banging and dresser handle jiggling that they may just get up and help with a kid or two. No such luck, they normally just go back to sleep. How they sleep through the always hostile environment of Shannon and Kelsey is beyond me. It is best if Kelsey avoids all eye contact with Shannon much less any words. I sometimes work as the hostage negotiater if Kelsey has a question.

Kelsey went with me to Ryan's game earlier in the week. After the game she told Ryan that he played really good. She hasn't seen him play in a few years. He said "Kelsey that just made you move up about four notches in the favorite sister scale." It won't last, she will be right back down to number 5 or 6 in no time.

Kelsey is going to her first homecoming dance soon. She was trying on dresses last night. My friend Kelly came over with her daughter who is the same age and she wanted my opinion on a couple dresses that she had bought. Kelsey looked really cute in one of Shannon's old ones but of course she wants a new one. She tried on one of the dresses that Kelly brought over and when she came in the room with it on Maggie blurted out, "Oh my God you look like a skinny freak!" I'm glad that Maggie is finally coming around to the dark side like the rest of the Murphy's. I knew her sweetness would be short lived. Nothing like making your big sister feel bad about herself when she already feels like a gawky awkward teenager.

One day this week when I was at work. I was up on the psych ward and I got stuck between a set of locked double doors. There was a Dr. coming in as I was leaving and I guess he thought I looked normal because he didn't stop me. The next set of doors wouldn't open and my badge wouldn't work. I was stuck,I thought about just asking for a pillow and a blanket and staying for a while. The psych ward is much more sane than the Murphy house!!!

Dave has an eye infection and thinks that he may be dying. I am surprised that he didn't call 911 when he woke up with blood shot eyes. He went to the Dr and is already better, I think it was a Miracle!!! Erin is loving college, she has been to the beach twice. I have no idea what her grades are like but she is maintaining her tan. I reminded her to wear a hat at the beach, she is supposed to keep her scars on her scalp covered from the sun at all times. She told me she didn't wear one because she wanted her hair to get blonder. Yeah that's a smart move. Speaking of smart moves, grandma cleaned out her closet after she left and found beer stuffed inside of soccer socks. Of course grandma didn't say a word, she would never throw the golden child with the awesome tan under the bus. One of her sisters was more than happy to throw her under the bus. I love being a mom, I wish I would have had a few more!!!!

So Dave took Kelsey to Wal Mart last night for school supplies that she needed and got her a new pack of mechanical pencils. Life should be perfect right??? I woke up this morning to a lot of snippy remarks. They overslept a bit and Shannon didn't have time to make her lunch so of course she had to clean out her father's wallet. Kelsey made the mistake of telling Shannon that it was time to leave. Shannon then felt the need to explain in very elicit details that the non driving freshman had absolutely no business dictating what time she left the house. I think this point was driven home (by the always pleasant and happy go lucky red head) crystal clear!! I am almost certain she will never make that mistake again.

Kelsey has Cross Country practice after school. I am not sure if Shannon is staying after school to give her a ride home or not. I was kind of afraid to ask. Sometimes she frightens me.

Kelsey has decided to run for class president. She told me this morning that she made up a rap song to sing before student elections. I asked her if she was singing this song in front of the whole school or just the freshman class. Luckily it is just the freshman class. Had it been the whole school, I don't think that Shannon could have handled that.

So who knew that one little packet of mechanical pencils could turn into an all out war. I went school supply shopping last week with Ryan, Maggie and Shannon. (Kelsey wasn't home) Shannon wanted some mechanical pencils, she grabbed one and put it in the cart, I told her to grab one for Kelsey too. She noticed that it was cheaper to get the three pack so she put the other one back and grabbed the three pack. Who knew that that would be such a terrible fateful mistake. Fast forward to Sunday, I was sitting in my lawn chair minding my own business watching Maggie's soccer game. Dave handed me his phone and said, "Here I think this is for you." On the other end was an irate Kelsey, "Please tell Shannon that she doesn't get two pencils and I only get one." I said, "How many pencils can you use at one time?" She never answered the question. Finally I just told her I would buy another pack of pencils just to shut her up. A few minutes later Lauren showed up to the game with Mike. She was wearing one of Erin's shirts. I asked her if Erin knows that she forgot to bring that to college with her. Lauren smiled and said, "I doubt it, I am going to have Mike take a picture of we wearing it and send it to her on his phone." I am so glad she has matured so well. I then made the mistake of telling her about my phone call from Kelsey, I assumed she would see how ridiculous those two are, instead she said, "I am starting graduate school soon, how come you didn't buy me any mechanical pencils?"

At about this point I was thinking, "why am I a little sad about having a hysterectomy??" I may just have Dave drop me off at the hospital this afternoon and patiently wait there for my surgery in case they have any cancellations and can squeeze me in a little early. October is a long way away!! I'm not sure I can wait that long.

Monday we went from mechanical pencils to pencil cases. Kelsey has two pencil cases and won't give one to Shannon unless she coughs up the extra mechanical pencil. I am beginning to have horrible flashbacks of when those two used to share a room. Thanks to little Maggie coming along and Sam leaving for college we were able to separate them. It has been a peaceful few years. Now they get to spend time together every day riding to and from school. Shannon has already requested that I find another way for Kelsey to get to school because it "isn't really working out." Yeah well I guess you may need to find a new home as well, "It really isn't working out."

I took the yearly first day of school picture. This is Kelsey's first year at Incarnate, she said "I look like a nun." I said, "Good now remember to act like one."

So I dropped off little Sybil at college last weekend : ( She was supposed to get all of her thank you notes finished from her graduation party during the twelve hour car ride. She decided to sleep for twelve hours instead. I held her hostage in an Alabama hotel room and told her she couldn't move into her dorm in the morning until she finished all of her cards. By the time we rolled in to Mobile, Dave and I were no longer speaking. He wouldn't listen to me when I told him to turn right, he insisted that the college was left. To make a long story short we, OK "I" screamed at him for the last 10 minutes of our trip. Had he listened to me, we would have arrived a little sooner and there would have been no need to drive through a crack neighborhood!!

Erin and I decided to eat at Denney's before we checked into the hotel. Dave decided to sit in the van and pout. Ten minutes later the big baby decided he was hungry and came in and sat in silence. The only thing we heard out of him was when he ordered his food. The next day he told me that I forced him to hit the button that turns him inside out and into quiet mode. I need to find a quicker route to that button!!

We moved Erin in without incident, her room mate is adorable and they have so much in common that it is scary. I am excited for her, I know that she will have a great college experience. Maggie tells me that she has a new fake ID. Oh that makes me happy!!! Sam and Lauren are planning a trip to New Orleans for Mardis Gras now that Erin lives so close to New Orleans and has a fake ID. I think that is every parents dream to have three of her drunk daughters at Mardis Gras with 5 lbs of beads around their necks. They make me oh so proud!

The kids all start school this week. I can't believe Kelsey is starting high school. She is running cross country and is doing really well. I told Erin that she was doing well at Cross Country and she said, "I know Lauren told me she is really ripped." Kelsey was in the kitchen in a sports bra and shorts the other day and Lauren was having a cow because her ab muscles are so good. I guess she had to run and call her sister to crab that Kelsey has a better waistline than she does. They won't be taking her to Mardis Gras with them!

Before we left to take Erin to college I told Shannon that if she kept a B average that I would fly her to Alabama to visit her sister. She didn't even think about it and said, "Um how about a C ?" It looks like Shannon is going to really buckle down this year and take school seriously.

iam filling out thi sthing for a worrk stud job ... local mailing adress would that be liek my dorm and then permanent woul dbe like river city ... ??


This is the email that I received this morning from my college bound daughter. I am thinking of sending this to her teachers at Incarnate and demanding at least a partial refund from her 30 thousand plus education. I was talking about the email at dinner and I said, "How hard would it be for her to hit spell check?" Lauren said, "that is even worse, she usually just hits the first suggested word from spell check and you have no idea what she is talking about." Maybe I should have spent more time reading when I was pregnant with her.



I have a new passion. I joined Costco the week before the girls graduation party. I have been a half dozen times since. I don't know why I didn't do that years ago. I took Maggie with me on Friday. When I was buying milk Maggie said, "Is that milk?" (It is shaped a little weird at Costco.) I said, "Yeah why. " She said, I saw that in our fridge and I didn't know what it was so I haven't had cereal all week." I asked if she thought about maybe reading the label??? She said, "I don't really like to read in the summer." Yeah MILK that is really a tough word. She has been hanging out with Erin a little too much.

I took Erin dorm room shopping this weekend. The first part of our morning was a wild goose chase. We weren't having any luck. I found a penny on heads in a parking lot and then Jessie's girl came on the radio. I told Erin that had to be an omen that we would find the sheets that she wanted and have a great day. My gas light was on so I headed to QT to fill up. I swiped my card and it said, Mag strip not read, see attendant. I went inside and they swiped my card told me to fill up and come back and sign when I was done. What a pain, I went back inside after filling my 30 gallon tank and was ready to head out and get her dorm room stuff bought. I turned the key and nothing..... Aghhhhhh I am getting really tired of car trouble. I called Dave asked him to come get us. I had just added towing coverage to my car insurance so I called a tow truck. Erin was throwing a fit because I was putting a damper in her day. I called grandma and asked her to come get us while Dave waited for the tow truck so the princess wasn't inconvenienced. So much for lucky pennies and teen idols!!

Lauren moved back home today, she called me at work three times. Once to ask me if she bought meat for her and Mike would I cook it, and once to ask me to tell Shannon to clean the bathroom and once to tell me she found three shirts of hers in Erin's suitcase for college. I asked why she couldn't ask Shannon to clean the bathroom herself? She said, she is so lazy she is watching One Tree Hill and as soon as that was over she got on Facebook. Why do they think I pick up extra hours in the summer?? She had Ryan and Maggie help her move out of her apartment and load and unload all of her stuff. She bought them Burger King and a candy bar. She got off pretty cheap and Maggie feels like she won the lottery.

So I just had my dreaded yearly GYN exam. I left work early to go home and shave my legs, because I am sure my Doctor cares if my legs are shaved. When I arrived at his office I decided to leave my phone in the car. Whenever I put it to silent I always forget to change it back and I miss a zillion calls. (all of which I'm sure are important) The girls at the front desk told me he was really behind. I sat there for over an hour looking at all the super young really pregnant girls, I could be their mother. Some of them had their toddlers and babies with them. Sitting there I realized #1 I am old and #2 I am thankful that I am not dealing with a toddler other than the one with slobbery hands that doesn't belong to me that keeps touching my freshly shaved legs. There was no clock in the waiting room so I was afraid it was getting late, Ryan had a 6:00 baseball game and I needed to coordinate who was getting him and who would watch Maggie, everyone was scattered tonight.

They finally called my name and brought me to a room where I got to wear the lovely paper skirt for the next half hour waiting for my Doctor. I didn't have an annoying toddler to annoy me anymore so I was forced to read all the posters hanging on the walls. I learned about, HPV, Herpes, Pregnancy and child birth, what to expect at an Ob/Gyn exam and several forms of birth control. I realized the only reading material that actually applied to me while sitting in that cold office was the bone density model across from me that showed the effect of osteoporosis.

My Doctor finally arrived and apologized for being late. We talked for a while and I asked him for a referral for a bladder surgeon so I can run without feeling like I belong in a geriatric ward. He told me that the Urologist will most likely want to remove my Uterus. My first thought was, "good riddance uterus, don't let the door hit you on the way out!" I mean come on, I think it has served it's purpose. Now that my brain has had time to process this, I am thinking, should I really go through two procedures so I can run without peeing on myself. Do I really like running anyway?? Then I thought, who would take care of me post op?? Dave would be great for the first 15 minutes, "Can I get you anything punkin?" Then he would go back to taking over the remote and napping. I go see the urologist the second week of August so I will decide then. I am kind of surprised that I am a little more attached to my uterus than I thought I would be. My best friend who has 6 kids and three of them are under three told me, "Oh God, don't even hesitate. If that was me, I would take a knife and rip out my uterus myself." I guess that is the difference between a mother with three kids in diapers vs a mother who is getting ready to drop her baby off in Mobile Alabama for college. : )

Speaking of which, little Miss Erin leaves next weekend, she has decided to spend every waking moment with her friends. She doesn't know how she will ever survive without her friends. (Never mind the women who's bladder you helped destroy.) Lauren is going to the lake with Mike's family for the weekend. It has become a yearly tradition that she goes every year with several dozen of my fabulous chocolate chip cookies. I believe it is time that she learns to make them herself. Every time she tries she forgets an ingredient and screws something up. I realized it is easier to stay up until midnight making them myself, vs watching her incompetence in the kitchen. She got home around 9:30,the same time I finally made it home after Ryan's baseball game and Kelsey's soccer party. Making cookies at 9:30 was the last thing I wanted to do.

Lauren surprised me with a new Coach wallet. Wow, she does love me. I was talking to her about my possible surgery, her response was, "Oh God get rid of your uterus, why would you even think about it." I said "who will take care of me after surgery?" She said, "Good point, goods luck with that, I guess grandma." I feel so loved!!

So I finally made it to bed at 4:15. I woke up this morning to the dog throwing up under my bed. I was too tired to get up so I will just crawl under there later to clean it up. Soon after he jumped up on my bed and had a lovely string of vomit hanging from his chin. Yesterday at WalMart I saw a lost dog sign. It said answers to Mindy wearing a pink collar. I sure hope Seamus can pass as Mindy. Now I have to run to PetsMart and find a pink collar before the party starts. I sure hope Mindy was black otherwise I need to buy a collar AND spray paint!!

I got up, finished my pulled pork and went to do my floors in the foyer. My dessert table was covered in ants. Why do I suddenly have an ant problem?? Luckily I haven't picked up the cake yet, or I would hae had to just embrace it and drizzle the ants in chocolate.

Soon after killing all the ants, I started grilling the burgers. I have about 70 burgers and fifty pieces of chicken to make. I opened the bag of chicken and saw that I bought individually shrinked wraped chicken. It is a good thing I have so much extra time today. I got the first 12 burgers done and started on the next batch. My propane ran out!!! My sister is in town for the party so I asked her if she would mind running to the store real quick to exchange my propane tank. I have twelve burgers on the grill, melting. I went to unhook it, and family of wasps flew out. My always loud sister started screaming like she was being attacked by a bear. I fought off all the wasps and released the propane tank. I told my sister, holy crap, I have already fought off dog vomit, ants, wasps AND my mother and it isn't even 10:00, please pick up a super hero cape for me when you get the propane.

I sure hope Dave is enjoying his golf game. He works so hard, he really deserves to have a little fun while I do all the work!!!!

It is 3:30 AM and I am still up waiting on my pulled pork. The girls graduation party is tomorrow and I do my best work without 8 extra people on top of me. I peeled 5 dozen eggs for deviled eggs and waxed my floors. Unfortunately my house now smells like a big fart thanks to the eggs.

Wednesday night we got to go to a preview showing of the new movie Ramona and Beezus. We saw Toy Story 3 a couple of weeks ago and I thought I may have to sell a kid or two just to buy popcorn. This time the movie was free!! How cool is that. I got an invite by email for moms with blogs, my niece and nephew are staying with me so we had quite the crew. The movie was actually really good, the little girl that played Ramona was the cutest little thing. I am sure this movie will launch her to stardom. We had no business going to the movies this week, we have so much work to do getting ready for the party. Oh well, it is good to take a break from the norm and do something fun. When I asked my 5 year old niece what her favorite part in the movie was she said, "Umm when the cat died." Wow, my sisters kids are even more warped then my children.

Speaking of fun, I just spent the day shopping with my mother. I learned many new things today. For example, when you pull into a parking spot, you should always pull forward so you don't have to back out. If you back out it ruins your axle, and it isn't good for your car. WHAT???? Another thing I learned is that if my mom asks my opinion on something, for example; How many ears of corn should we buy for the party? She really doesn't want to know how many I think we should get unless it is the same number she already has in mind.

We have a big hole in the wall in my powder room where the toilet paper holder USED to be. It has been broken almost 3 years now. I am just going to put a Post It above the hole that says, "Please ask Dave to fix this, Thanks, The management." It may work!!! The party starts at 6 and Dave is playing golf in the morning. I am thrilled about that. Lauren sent me a text this morning that said, "I won't be much help today cooking and cleaning, I am really hung over." Oh yeah because normally I am lost without you, who else will Windex one table and criticize the menu??

My sister just moved back to Missouri from Atlanta. Her husband is in the Army and is the new commander at Fort Leonard Wood. We are excited because my nieces and nephews will be 2 hours away instead of 10. They spent the night Saturday night after driving from Atlanta on the way to their new home. Her little ones Conor (8) and Keira (5) decided to stay with us until Friday when they come back for Erin's graduation party. I am glad they feel comfortable enough to stay, they love playing with their cousins and it is nice to have little ones in the house again. Maggie is 9 but she is 9 going on 20 (remember the string bikini underwear)

My mother is the constant worry wart, she was concerned when my sister left that she was driving in the rain. She is under the assumption that every time a raindrop falls a tornado is certain to follow. Once they made it home safely she went on to worry that my sisters kids were not getting three square meals a day and their cousins were not providing enough attention. She must ask my kids a dozen times a day if they are including Conor and Keira in everything. I have explained countless times that the kids want to stay because they love their cousins and have a blast with them, no need to hover.

She ran to the grocery store first thing Monday morning to make sure they had enough snacks. (my kids have been starving all summer!) She made dinner last night, (she never cooks) My kids were standing around the counter holding their plates drooling. When dinner was ready she looked at them and said, I am going to feed the little ones first. What??? I guess they must be hungrier than the little faces standing in front of you holding their plates.

Keira fell asleep on the couch last night cuddling with Kelsey, grandma came upstairs and said "aww look how she just falls asleep every night." Kelsey said, "I fall asleep every night too grandma."

I am excited that they are here until Friday, that means grandma will keep the snacks coming as well as dinner!! I have a feeling by Friday my kids may just be getting the scraps that the golden grandchildren leave on their plates!!! Luckily my kids aren't shy and they know grandma really does love them she just sees them every day.

My house will never be ready in time for the party, Dave has to pick up tables and chairs as well as a ping pong table that we are borrowing. We are going to the movies Wednesday night. We got invited to a preview showing of Ramona and Beezus for moms with blogs. I was excited I almost feel like a celebrity. We saw Toy Story 3 and I spent almost my whole paycheck. We get to see this movie for free. Yippee!! Conor and Keira are going too. Maybe grandma will give them some money for snacks!!! ( just kidding Grams)

Erin's graduation party is Friday so we are trying to get the house ready this weekend and get our Spring cleaning in so everything is in tip top shape by Friday. Oh that makes me laugh, the pigs I live with will have everything a collasel mess by Tuesday. Dave came in from cutting the grass with a funny look on his face. He said "Look what I almost ran over with the lawn mower." Our house backs up to woods so it is not unusual for him to run over a frog or a snake or even a small toy but today was different. Dave was holding two silicone flesh colored breasts. Erin said, "Oh God, my boobs, I must have dropped them when I got out of the car.

I bought them for her to wear with her prom dress. She couldn't wear a bra with her dress and these were at Target and seemed to do the trick. They are sticky on one ,they sometimes fall out when she sweats. Erin isn't exactly blessed in the chest region and often wears two padded bras to look a little more well endowed. She calls her stick on boobs her "pasties" This isn't the first mishap she has had with her "girls" One time they kept falling out because she was sweaty and she just took them out and put them in her wristlet. Her friend accidentally got them caught in the zipper when she was getting her phone . There is a little chunk missing on the side, luckily for Erin the "pasties" escaped harm at the hands of the lawn mower. She can continue her circuit this summer at the graduation parties looking like a B cup.

Oil in Gulf Shores : (

Alabama was quite the little adventure. We had to find a restaurant to order food considering we had no car. We decided on pizza, I took a shower so I could try and scrub all the remaining oil off my old dry cracked feet from the tar balls on the beach. I assumed that by the time I was finished the food would be ordered. I of course forgot that the two family members left in charge of ordering food are not capable of doing anything for themselves. They would starve if they had to actually do something for themselves. I ordered, pizza, salad, breadsticks and a big chocolate chip cookie. I figured the best way to forget about the fact that I was stranded in Alabama was to eat like a pig.

Erin made herself a makeshift plate out of the top of the styrofoam salad container. Erin is a bit of a pig so her plate was full, she took one step and dropped the whole contents on the floor, right on top of my dirty clothes. Problem being I only packed one bra for my trip and now it was full of marinara sauce. I decided to worry about that later.

The next morning we had to check out by 11 or we had to pay for an extra night. The tow truck didn't show up until 10 so we were essentially homeless until the van was fixed. Erin needed a tampon and apparently Alabama doesn't have tampon dispensers in public bathrooms. I had packed my running shoes as well as my poise pads (hazard of running after giving birth 400 times) in case I decided to exercise on our trip (I didn't) I figured a poise pad would have to hold her over for a while. She hung out at the pool for a while while we were waiting on the van to get fixed. Finally she decided that she really needed a tampon. We asked at the front desk where the nearest convenience store was and we decided to walk. What else did we have to do? Erin used the outside shower to rinse the sand off the back of her legs. Unfortunately for her the water from the shower all absorbed into her old lady diaper.

So here we are, Dave in his swim trunks and a t shirt, me in my one piece and a pair of shorts and Erin in her itty bitty black bikini with an adult diaper that makes her look like she has a penis waking down an Alabama street in search of a tampon. We walked almost 2 miles before we finally found a Walgreens. Dave didn't want to go in because he was carrying two hotel towels and he thought he looked weird. Hello, your daughter is wearing a tiny bikini and she kind of looks like a cross dresser right now, no one will think you look weird because you are carrying towels. Erin did get several honks on the way back, we were wondering what made us think it was a good idea to head out without more clothes? Our luggage was all behind the front desk and we didn't want to bother anyone. That was smart!!

We hung out at the pool until we got the call that our van was done. Yeah hurray!! We were on our way home by 4:00, I was still in my swimsuit and a pair of shorts and changed in a gas station on the road. I didn't have a bra considering it was full of marinara sauce so I just went without. We stopped somewhere in Mississippi and got a hotel and went looking for a place to eat. Dave was ready to have a cow, we decided to eat at a place called The Huddle House and Dave was dying that I wasn't wearing a bra, I thought, "are you kidding me, I am the only one in here with all my teeth, a bra would make me overdressed." We finally made it home on Thursday around 5:00 pm, Maggie was waiting for us in the driveway and couldn't wait to show us the new string bikini underwear that her big sister bought her : (

We are in Gulf Shores Alabama right now. Dave and I brought Erin to Mobile for her college orientation. We finished up yesterday early afternoon and headed out to check out the sights. Dave was in heaven when we visited the USS Alabama Navy ship. Erin and I pretended to be interested for the first hour then it just became too much to bare. After we toured the ship we got to look at fighter planes and a submarine. We finally left and grabbed a quick bite to eat at Taco Bell. Dave was still basking in the glory of all his new Navy knowledge and asked us, How many men do you think they had on that submarine? I was really trying to act like I cared and said, Oh I don't know, 20,000. Erin thought my answer sounded about right, he rolled his eyes and said, 77. Oh I was so close.

We left Taco Bell and headed for Gulf Shores beach to check out the oil spill. I will post pictures of the oil when I get back home. (If I ever get home) We walked up and down the beach for a while and decided we should head back to our hotel in Mobile then maybe hit a movie. Right before we hit the highway our car starting making a horrible sound every time we turned the wheel to the left. We called a couple mechanics and they all close at 5. We had no other choice but to find a hotel nearby and stay for the night. Dave and I were a little more stressed than little Miss Erin. We have a beach front hotel overlooking the beach. I called Priceline to see what my options were, I had prepaid my room in Mobile. The man in India said, "sorry we have a no cancellation policy." Great I love throwing money away, I can't wait to see how much it costs to fix the van. I checked out my GPS to see if it had more options. It has, fastest route, scenic route, no highways but I couldn't find, "Only right turns." We could probably make it home only making right turns but it may take 17 days.

Lauren called me to let me know that she took Maggie to the mall and bought her a new sundress and she told her it would look better if she wore a bra with it. Not only that she bought her some string bikini underwear. Right now I can't deal with the fact that my nine year old is heading for a stripper pole, I just need my van fixed. Oh yeah and Erin needs a tampon and we don't have a car and this crappy hotel doesn't have a dispenser in the bathroom. Good Times, Good Times!!

2010

Murphy

Graduates

Lauren Murphy

Fontbonne University

4 year Deans List

Magna Cum Laude

Samantha Murphy

Washington University

5 years Deans List

#1 in her class, Master of Accounting

Erin Murphy

Incarnate Word Academy

National Honor Society

Honor Roll

Kelsey Murphy

Assumption School

Honor Roll

Way To Go Girls!!!!!

We had the last Murphy graduation of the year last night. Kelsey looked really pretty. I will post pictures of all of my graduates on my next post. I took a half day off so I could fix Kelsey's hair. I got home and she was nowhere to be found. She was supposed to have her hair washed, blow dried and straightened ready for me to go. Lauren came home and took her to go get a pedicure and Lauren got a facial. Shannon had taken her the day before to get nail tips, I was amazed that Shannon would be so generous. She is the type of kid that would let you die of thirst in a desert if she had a whole well full of water because she might need the water for herself someday. I found out later that Shannon actually owed Kelsey 20 so she was just paying for her to get her nails done instead of coughing up the cash. The nails were 22 and I am sure she will hold Kelsey to the $2 plus tip, I knew there was a catch.

Lauren was home laying out on the deck in Erin's favorite swimming suit and Shannon was home as well. Sounds like a fun day with mom and her 4 babies, ha ha. Lauren and Erin got in a big fight and started screaming at each other. Somehow it was all my fault. Lauren is mad because me and Dave give Erin money all the time and she gets away with more than she did when she was her age. Erin explained that we only give her money for gas and Lauren insisted that is not true, we bought her new shoes for graduation. Erin said, "why does that bother you? Me getting shoes shouldn't effect you." Then Shannon said "yeah I never get shoes come to think of it, no one buys me anything." All during this little squabble I just sat on the couch quiet wondering how I got thrown under the bus today, maybe I should just go back to work. After a while I just went downstairs to check my email and let them fight it out and hash out how mom likes you best theory.

A while later Lauren came downstairs crying, Erin hit her with a skirt hanger because she wouldn't get out of her bed or take of her bikini. Somehow this was all my fault!!! I talked to Erin and explained that it is not OK to hit her sister with a skirt hanger. Why am I having this conversation with kids who are old enough to vote. Does this explain why we have complete idiots for elected officials?? The average voter just finished beating their sibling with a skirt hanger before they cast their vote to save the world??

I finished Kelsey's hair and make up and she looked beautiful. Erin and Shannon were fighting over who got to wear a green dress that was in their closet. Erin found it and tried it on the night before and thought she should get to wear it and Shannon thought she got dibs because she borrowed it from her friend last summer and never gave it back. I thought, Ok this dress is technically stolen since you never returned it so maybe we should go drop it off to it's rightful owner. Joan Crawford/AKA Erin backed off and let Shannon wear the dress.

Lauren emerged from the shower with tear stained cheeks because her face was sensitive from the facial. Hopefully that will fade and not match the welt on her leg. This is going to be a long summer!!

We have had two more graduations since my last post. Two graduations and lots of drama!!! The night of Erin's graduation she told me she didn't even want me to go and she hated me. Fabulous, I think the feeling was mutual at that point. All is good, she loves me again, (I think??)

Sam's graduation was nice, a little long but nice. She won an award for being the accounting student with the most academic excellence and having the most potential in the field of accounting. I can't help but think it all started with me around the kitchen table with flashcards. Ha Ha, just kidding, I still use my fingers on my 8's times tables.

Kelsey's graduation is Thursday, Erin has her soccer banquet so she isn't coming, Lauren is taking a "personal" day so she isn't coming and Sam is trying to make it but she is taking the second part of her CPA exam this weekend and would prefer to study. Shannon is coming but rest assured it is not because she wants to support her sister, three of her old grade school friends will be there and she wants to see them. It is great to see everyone rally around Kelsey, NOT!!!

I got my air conditioning fixed in my van yesterday. Life is good, yesterday was the first really hot day and I was starting to melt. I actually had to turn the air down yesterday because I was too cold. Old Blue may get to stick around another year or two now!

Lauren and Erin had a little cat fight over Lauren's flesh colored strapless bra. Every time Lauren comes home, Erin hides it under her bed and pretends like she has no idea where it could be so she doesn't have to return it. Lauren decided enough was enough, she wanted her bra back. Erin found another flesh colored bra that was missing one of the wires and falling apart. She tried to convince her that was her $60 Victoria Secret bra. A few screams, pushes and smacks later the correct bra miraculously showed up.

Erin's team won Districts and plays tonight in sectionals. We won state the last two years and are hoping to make it all the way again this year. Last year Erin had surgery and couldn't play in the state final so I am really hoping we can keep going all the way to a state title. I guess it is kind of greedy but too bad, Go Red Knights!!

I woke up early Saturday morning with a phone call from Erin. She had locked her keys in her car at soccer practice and the other set of keys was in Shannon's friends car clear on the other side of town. I thought to myself, "If you procreate with the village idiot, you are bound to get an idiot or two offspring." Laurens graduation was at 10:00 AM so there was no time to deal with the car issue. She got a ride home from a friend and we could get the keys later.

We made it to Laurens graduation on time and everyone was able to attend except Erin. She had to work at 11:00. We made sure we texted her several times when we went out to lunch to let her know how much fun we were having.

Erin graduates tomorrow night and Sam graduates on Friday. May is such a busy time I wish I could just clone myself so I could quit running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Kelsey needs her eyebrows waxed and keeps asking me to take her to get them done. I told her to grab a tweezers but she didn't like that idea. Daqve cleaned out the garage yesterday and is really proud of himself. Wow, that's impressive, he put the Christmas tree and the light up reindeer in the attic in May. Can we maybe get the broken washing machine off the patio in time for Erin's graduation party or should I just put ice in it and call it a cooler??

I taped the kids in the kitchen without them knowing. My family really LOVES each other. Is it really this hard just to light birthday candles???

Maggie's birthday was yesterday. Lauren and Erin decided to surprise her and go up to school to give her 9 obnoxiously big balloons. Of course that meant I had to leave work early in order to fit carpool as well as the balloons in the car. Grandmas Toyota wouldn't cut it. When I got home Lauren told me that her and Erin were discussing what Maggie would think when she saw them at school. Lauren told me Erin suggested they tell her that Seamus died as a joke. Lauren was really proud of herself that she talked her out of it. She said, "I would have went along with it, if it wasn't her birthday." Should I be comforted by that??? What am I raising??
Maggie wanted a new bike for her birthday. Dave was less than pleased. That is the last thing we need, another bike in the garage. We have tried to sell them in garage sales, give them away and even throw them away and no takers. Even the trash men wouldn't take one of our old bikes.
Ryan was in a tournament Sunday and we didn't get home until after 8. We stopped at McDonald's on the way home to get some dinner. Erin called and wanted to know when we were coming home, she was starving. I told her it was after 7 and she should have already made herself something to eat and I was not bringing her food home, we are not made of money. A few seconds later Kelsey called and said she was hungry and Erin told her she wasn't allowed to take no for an answer. A few minutes later she sent a text that said, 3 double cheeseburgers, hold the onions and three fries. She texted her father because she knows he won't say no. Unfortunately for her, her father can never keep track of his own stuff so I had his phone. I texted her back and said "nice try."


Dave and I dropped off the kids AND the three double cheeseburgers with no onions and three fries and headed to Wal Mart on a bike quest. We finally found one at the third Wal Mart. Dave decided we should go with the more expensive bike and just not get a helmet. Brilliant Dave, now when she gets in a bike accident, she can wear a hockey helmet to school. Anything to save a buck!!

Erin called me today and told me she absolutely had to get new shoes for graduation. She was all prepared to wear her white Steve Madden sandals and she found out at school today that they aren't allowed to wear sandals. She has no other choice but to buy new shoes. The 27 pair of white shoes in the closet will never work. She said she tried on her cap and gown and her gown is so long that she just has to have new white shoes so it looks OK. I gave her my credit card but I should have just offered to hem her gown instead. I'm sure that would have went over well.

May is such a crazy time of year, I don't know if I'm coming our going. Four of my kids are at a great crossroad of their life. Kelsey is finishing up eighth grade and trying to figure out who she is and where she fits. Erin is finishing up her senior year and figuring out how to spend as much time fighting with her mother as she can, Lauren is finishing up her senior year of college and trying to figure out where to enroll in graduate school and what her future will bring. Sam is finishing up graduate school and trying to buy her first car and getting ready to start her first big girl job in her chosen field. I am still muddling through trying to figure out how to be the worst mother on the planet. (just ask Erin)

Seriously though, Dave and I are incredibly proud of our kids. They are far from perfect and anyone who reads my blog can attest to that, but they are great kids. Sam and Lauren have spent the majority of their college days on the Deans List, Erin has been on the honor roll all through high school and Kelsey has been on honor roll all through elementary school. The amazing part is that they have achieved such academic success all the while having the worlds greatest under achiever academically as their mother. Thank God my old report cards aren't laying around the house!!!

Erin is starting to stress about leaving all of her friends. She told me yesterday that she is planning on getting a Skype camera to take with her everywhere so she can still socialize with her friends while she is in Alabama. Of course she made no mention of missing her mother.

I found out Friday that I have a stress fracture on my shin bone. I may have come in last place in the family at the half marathon but I feel I should get extra points for completing it with a BROKEN LEG. Ok either extra points or a dunce cap. No wonder those hills hurt so bad. I took 4 Advil before the start of the race. I am tougher than I look. I was planning on running another half marathon in October but most likely won't be able to train because my shin won't have enough time to heal. Maybe I should have drank my milk as a kid!!! Are you listening Ryan?? I guess I have a good excuse to sit on my lazy butt all summer. I feel the best way to heal a stress fracture is to spend the summer in a lounge chair with a tall ice tea and a good book!!

Love is in the air at the Murphy house. Erin and Shannon are having a lovely time sharing the car. Erin's argument is "Shannon can't do anything for herself. Everyone stands up and gives her a standing ovation every time she works on homework and she always gets the car." Shannon's argument, is "Erin is so mean, she always bully's me and says I get everything I want." It all started on Tuesday. Erin stayed the night with a friend and didn't tell Shannon she had to wake up on her own and drive to school. The fact that she wasn't in the bed that she shares with her wasn't a big enough clue. Apparently when she got to school it was ugly. Shannon was unable to park in her parking spot because it was ring day and Erin didn't tell her. A friend of mine who is a teacher called to tell me what entertainment my girls provided. Shannon stood in the middle of the street and stared Erin down and refused to budge when Erin's friend came by to pick her up because she had to park so far away.

Thursday night Erin had to work at 6 and Shannon had to work at 7. We had a little problem deciding who got the car. Lauren called me in the morning to tell me how she didn't like my children because they weren't silent in the morning while they got ready for school. Oh this is going to be a long summer when Lauren comes home.

Last night Shannon came in my room and asked if she could go bowling with her friends. I told her no because she didn't have any money. Dave said "If you quit fighting with your sister you can take all the money I have." Shannon jumped up grabbed the cash and we didn't hear from her the rest of the night.

Today is the display of the rain forest in Maggie's classroom. I called Dave to see if he wanted to meet me there at 2:30. I told him they were taking donations to save the Lair. Whatever the Lair is. He said No, I had to pay our kids to get along so I am out of money. I don't think we will find that paying your children to not kill each other will be in any parenting books.

No time to write. Prom was great, weekend was crazy. Squeezed in a few hours to clean on Sunday, and Erin said "I am not scrubbing a toilet, "Are you kidding me? That is disgusting." Of course not Erin, I just devoted my whole Friday, most of Saturday and a large part of Sunday to your every need. How dare I ask you to clean a bathroom. That is no way to treat a princess!!

Erin has prom tonight. The problem is, she has to play a soccer game at 3:30 and that gives us around 30 minutes to turn her in to Cinderella before the prom.. We did a quick trial run last night, she wants a bun but I didn't like it. I had arranged to go to a friends house to get Erin and her friends ready because she lived close to the field. Their dates told them they were meeting in South County for pictures. She received a text later that now they are meeting in North County for pictures. WHAT!!!

Grandma informed me that Kelsey is upset because no one ever goes to her out of town tournaments, only Ryan's. (Ryan has had 3 out of town tournaments, I have missed every one) I don't really have time for her pity party this week. Come see me next weekend!!

I emailed my friend to let her know that we are no longer meeting at the house by the soccer field and that I won't need her help and I gave her the solution to all of my problems. See the email below;


As of now, you are off the hook. Erin got a text last night that they are now meeting for pictures in North County by my old house. The prom is at Norwood Hills Country Club in North County. We are heading to one of her friends houses in Florissant after the game to get ready. I put her eyelashes on this morning. I hope they don't fall off during her game.

I had the night from hell. I bought fake hair at Sally but it looks too fake. She wants a low bun but I think it looks like crap. I would gladly trade my six girls in for six boys right now. Dave was out of town last night, Kelsey had a woe is me night, (nobody comes to my out of town tournaments), Erin broke her new phone, Shannon got a job last night (no one had time to care) Ryan needed a protractor for his test today and Maggie needed a gift for her 5:30 birthday party that she has tonight. (that I won't be home to take her too, thanks to Erin.)



Solution:


Kelsey shut up and get over yourself. We all love you, I am driving up to Muscatine at 3:00 in the morning on May 1st after I get Erin ready for her other prom. I don't have time to coddle your ego, we love you snap out of it. There is no time for drama!!

Shannon I need your first pay check to pay for the car insurance since you are so lazy I won't get the good student driving discount!!

Ryan, here is another protractor to replace the first one that you lost. God help you if you don't do well on your math test when I run to Walgreens at 9:45.

Maggie, just keep being Maggie. Someone will get you to your party tonight, I'm not sure who. I will figure it out later. (God, please help me remember to pick her up in the morning)


Erin, You are not wearing your hair in a bun, it looks like crap. Please don't wipe your eyes on the soccer field. Your fake eyelashes may fall off. Trust your mother, you will look pretty when you leave for prom. Make sure your stick on bra stays in place and behave yourself tonight. No drinking, no drugs, no sex.

Colleen, go home, drink, take drugs and forget about sex!!!

Dave, do nothing as usual!!

We had a busy weekend. Kelsey made her confirmation on Saturday and Dave, Sam, Lauren, Kelsey and I ran the Go STL half marathon. We had great weather for both days. We drove to Lauren's apartment and took her car to confirmation. I had yet to see Lauren's apartment. I was impressed when the only picture she had hanging up was a picture of me and her. I thought, "Oh she really does love me." Then I realized the picture was on her refrigerator. Maybe she hung it there to remind herself not to eat, so she won't look like her mother. The only thing she had in the fridge was a six pack and a jar of applesauce.

I was exhausted the night before the race, we had a long day with confirmation and race packet pick up and the health expo. I fell into bed at 9:30 and was sleeping like a baby. At 10:15 Kelsey came in my room and informed me that she couldn't find her bib. (racing number that is required to run) We looked everywhere and went through all the couch cushion. On the bright side, I found a few socks and a few bucks in change. Lauren's boyfriend Mike had to drive to Fontbonne at 11:00 to check and see if she left it in the back of Lauren's car. Sure enough, he found it and drove it back to put in our mailbox. I knew Kelsy felt bad and I decided to give her the silent treatment instead of flooding her with all the positive(not) thoughts that I had in my head about her constant irresponsibility. I figured if her father has had a lifetime to get his ducks in a row and still hasn't, berating her would not do any good.

Kelsey and Sam finished in 1:53, Lauren 2:08, Dave 2:18 and I rolled in on my hands and knees at 2:35. It really was a good feeling to cross the finish line. My calves are killing me and I'm about ready to lose a toenail but I would do it again in a heartbeat. It's OK that the man with one leg, the blind man and the man juggling for 13.1 miles all beat me. I'm OK with that REALLY!!!

Erin has been asked to prom by a CBC boy. My niece mailed her a dress that she wore last year. Heaven forbid she wear the same dress to this prom that she is wearing to hers. The dress is absolutely beautiful. The problem is that Erin can't breath after I zip it. She wants to try and lose two lbs by Friday. I sure wish all I had to lose for my clothes to fit was 2 lbs. Isn't that just a healthy bowel movement?? Erin has a soccer game on Friday and has about 45 minutes to get ready for prom after her game. She may look pretty when we are done but she may not smell so great. There is no time to wash and blow dry her hair so we will have to adjust.

I took Monday off to recover from the race and have a me day. Unfortunately my kids started coming out of the woodwork and I had three kids home. Erin went through her closet to sell her clothes to a resale shop. She is trying to scrounge up enough money for nail tips and a pedicure for prom. I said, Erin I'm surprised you haven't sold your plasma." She responded with, "Oh I can do that? How much money will they give me?" I'm afraid she may sell her kidney in college.

Ryan had his first baseball game of the season on Tuesday. He did really well, he got two hits, a walk and a strike out. I didn't see him before the game and felt really bad when I walked up to the field and saw my son in nickers. His baseball pants were so short they were practically Bermuda shorts. Come to think of it, I bought those pants three years ago. Some day I will get this parenting thing down!!

This has been a pretty crazy week. Monday we had the prom fiasco, the store where Erin bought her dress sold the same dress to a Junior at her school. To make an unbelievably long story short, the store owner was mean to Erin and Lauren and made Erin cry in the store because he was so rude. In the end she got her money back for the ridiculously expensive prom dress. I called home later in the day to check on her and Lauren said, "She is sitting in her underwear crying eating a whole bag of Doritos, she may need a larger size dress, whatever she finds." I took off work early and we went on a prom dress mission. We found one she liked, it is really cute on her but she feels it doesn't have the "Wow" factor. She ended up getting a size 0 so I guess the Doritos were harmless.

My youngest three are on spring break this week. I asked Kelsey to unload and reload the dishwasher for me. When I got home it was clear that she misunderstood my instructions. I think she thought I said, "Kelsey, please play a game of "Jenga" with every dish that we own." Poor kid, I really should have made myself a little more clear.

We are running the half marathon on Sunday. I ran 10 miles three weeks ago and ever since then I have considered getting around town in a wheel chair. I am falling apart. My calf muscles are so sore, I can barely walk. I only ran once this week trying to rest my muscles but I feel horrible. Kelsey makes her confirmation on Saturday, I think I should spend the morning praying that the other 16000 participants get a bad stomach bug instead of praying that I do well. God knows that is a hopeless prayer. I just hope I finish.

Spring soccer has arrived so I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. What has been even better is that gas prices have went up and what used to cost around 65-70 dollars to fill my gas tank and last a week is now costing me around 80 and it lasts for about 3 to 4 days. YIPEE!!!! To top that off little Miss Erin has needed a check just about every day, "Mom I need $110 for prom tickets.", "Mom, I need $100 for soccer fees at school." "Mom I need $150 transferred in my account to fix the overdrawn fees." "Mom , I need $35 for our senior lock in." "Mom , I need lunch money." "Mom, my gas light just came on and I don't have any money in my account." I finally said, "Enough Erin, do you have any idea how much money I have given you in the last two weeks?" She said, "I know me and my friends were just talking about that, the end of senior year is really expensive." I guess I should take that as a consolation prize that she actually felt bad for half a second compared with the first 18 years of her life. She borrowed money from her two older sisters for the ridiculously expensive prom dress that she picked out. I think she finally realized this bank was closed for the year.


Ryan asked me this weekend what a trophy wife was. I explained it to him and then my darling husband chimed in with, "I sure wish I had a trophy wife." Ryan said, "It's OK dad, you have one, she's just not first place." Dave said, "yeah I think I just got a participant." They are both lucky I have a good sense of humor!!

Little Shannon did a Murphy first. She passed her driving test on the first try. Sam did it in three and Lauren and Erin did it in two. Of course she did it in total Shannon fashion by passing with a mere 76. Why would we bother trying to pass a test any other way than average to below average?? Dave called Sam and Lauren and told them they could call and congratulate her but mom took her phone away because she can't seem to get the fact that we expect something other than a C from our little under achiever. I got to make my dreaded call to the insurance company to add her on to our car insurance. They still haven't called me back with our new rate, I think they may be afraid to tell me. Shannon said the driving examination lady told her that she had a heavy foot on the gas. She should have said, "Oh yeah, you should see my idiot sister Erin, she has two accidents and a ticket doing 80, it's in the genes." I am really looking forward to the peace and quiet with the girls sharing a car this summer. I am so lucky that my girls resolve every conflict quietly and respectfully. Ha Ha, in my dreams maybe.

I made a pot of spaghetti last night and Ryan and Kelsey got home from practice just as dinner was almost ready. I was on the phone and glanced over to my dinner cooking and noticed my only son covered in mud wringing his hands above my dinner and I exclaimed, "sweetheart, whatever are you doing?" OK I think it went more like, "What in the hell are you doing?, Do you have a brain?" He responded with, "My hands are cold." Well by all means warm them up above our dinner, it would be dumb to wash the mud off with warm soapy water. The heat will most likely kill the germs. It is amazing that I don't take Prozac or beat my kids.

Dave and I got a small glimpse of what the summer of 2010 may be like and let me tell you, we are in for a real treat. I believe there is only room for one Queen Witch with a "B' this summer and Erin and Lauren are fighting it out. You see Lauren previously held the title until she moved in to her own apartment and Erin not only has filled her shoes, she has done so well she has overflown the shoes. Just ask Ryan!!

Lauren came home last night and immediately started listing all the things she noticed in the house that needed to change. Most importantly the smell of dog pee. I am with her on that one!!Of course that may actually require someone getting up from the couch and letting the dog out. Yeah, that is an impossible feet, I will just stock up on Febreeze. She then went on to lecture us how our kids needed discipline and they get away with murder, most especially Erin. Dave and I just ignored the mini conflicts brewing and went to bed.

This morning we awoke to the two Queen B's fighting, I think they both called each other witches with a "B" several times (hey when did they decide that type of language was acceptable?) and Lauren grabbed an alli when she pretended to be concerned about the way Erin treats her precious baby brother. Ryan fell for it and chose Queen B Lauren's side, that is until she turns on him and stings him with her heiness witchiness with a "B." Erin needed me to move the car so she could get out of the driveway, Dave asked me for the check card and Queen Lauren threw a fit because she thought Dave was going to fill up Erin's gas tank. Once he assured her he had no intention of filling her gas tank, he was just going to buy some milk so Maggie and Ryan could eat she was breathing a little easier.

Ryan has a new habit of drawing on himself, that
just made my already stressful morning a tad more chaotic. He drew some sort of tattoo on his hand and he wrote the word strong across one bicep and man across the other. If anyone knows my son, you can think of several adjectives to describe him and strong man wouldn't make the list. He has a tendency to make a skeleton look overweight. During all the Lauren/Erin fight I instructed him to find some soap and scrub the graffiti off his body.

Last night Erin needed some help with her child psychology paper she was writing. She wanted to know what she was like as an infant and a toddler. I pulled out my old diary and we all had a good laugh. Unfortunately I only have a handful of entries. One of them described Erin as a baby, I think i wrote something like, "you are such a little piggy, you ate 6 donut holes and smashed a couple in your hair." Some things never change. Another entry explained how when she was a little over 2 and Shannon was a baby, every time Shannon would cry and I wasn't in the room Erin would yell, "She got hurt all by herself." She always made sure to cover all her bases. I also wrote how Erin used to love the show Rescue 911 and how she would put Shannon on the ground and preform CPR and Shannon would just lay there and let her. Oh how I miss the days of smashed donut holes and getting hurt "all by herself." Now I have smashed cars and cat fights!!

We had to take the Jeep back from Sam, Dave has a company car and can only use it for work related things and Erin not having a car was becoming a real issue. I feel horrible that she is back to using public transportation but I am sure Lauren is walking with a little more spring in her step. She saved up and bought a car last year and always had a problem with us letting Sam use our good car.

Erin got to drive the jeep to Columbia to watch her high school compete in the basketball final four. I had just received a phone call from our insurance company that she may be excluded from our auto policy if the underwriters decide that she is too much of a risk with her two accidents. Thank God they don't know about her ticket that she just had to complete driving school so it would stay off her record. She wasn't as concerned about her pending cancellation as I was, she has bigger problems. She found a $400 prom dress that she is in love with and her last paycheck was $18. Good luck with that!!


I gave her the lecture about driving the speed limit before she left. She said "don't wory, I will set the cruise control at 65." Um no Erin if the speed limit is 60 we don't set cruise control at 65!!!! She then went on to tell me that she learned a lot from her online driving course and she is a much more responsible driver. Does she think I am a complete idiot????

Dave and I woke up to the all too familiar sound of love in the air this morning. Ryan was screaming at Erin asking for a towel, Shannon was screaming at Erin and Erin was screaming at everyone. Erin was upset that Ryan had the audacity to take a shower without checking to see if he had any towels in his bathroom and she was upset with the fact that he has is own bathroom so hell would freeze over before she would bring him a towel. I found out later that he had to use his underwear to dry off until Maggie saved the day and brought him a towel. Erin forgets to check for clean towels all the time but according to her logic, it is different because she has long hair that makes her much colder than Ryan, and she deserves a towel more. Drying off with dirty boxers sounds perfectly logical to her.

The other little problem that we had was Shannon couldn't find any shoes. Erin was yelling at her to hurry up and was lecturing her that she should have got all of her stuff together last night. Shannon was upset because they had to wear their dress uniforms today and she couldn't find any dress shoes that fit her. I then got screamed at because I quote "we don't have any shoes for little feet." She then went on to yell, "you haven't bought me new shoes in like forever." I went and brought the crazy psychopath some "shoes for little feet." and finished getting ready for work. I can't wait until summer when they can fight all day long instead of just in the morning.