My laptop is still in the repair shop. I am finally breaking down and using the family computer to write. Of course I am writing in between all facebook updates. I am very thankful this Thanksgiving week for many things, of course the usual.... My family, my new job, health (except Dave's calf muscle) wealth, (ha ha, just kidding on that one) and most especially, I am thankful that Erin and Shannon have not killed each other yet this holiday season. Shannon has spent a lot of time home this weekend after I looked up her C average grades online. I explained to her that I didn't feel that the ten thousand dollars I spend each year on her tuition warranted C's. I think I really got through to her, she did homework for about twenty minutes on Wednesday and has spent the rest of the week working on beating her seven year old sister on Mario for Wii. Erin was a little upset with Miss Shannon because she spent the weekend cleaning their room all by herself. We decided to go to 5:00 mass on Saturday. Erin had the fan on in their room because she was hot from cleaning. Shannon was standing in the closet to get away from the cold air, because Erin refused to turn the fan off. Shannon tried on one of Erin's new shirts to wear to mass and of course Erin said, "you can't wear that, it is mine." Erin felt bad as soon as she said it and changed her mind and said, "I'm sorry, you can wear it." Shannon decided she would rather die than wear something of Erin's so she threw it on the floor. That is about the same time that WWIII broke out. We all loaded in the van like the happy family to go to church. Dave had injured his calf muscle playing flag football on Friday night so we had to leave a few minutes early so he could hobble in to church on time. Erin and Shannon actually shook hands at the sign of peace but the argument resumed as soon as we got back in the van. Shannon was mad because her toothbrush disappeared last week from her bathroom sink. She claims that she moved her toothbrush out of my bathroom when I bought more toothpaste for their bathroom and it disappeared shortly thereafter. She said her toothbrush reappeared in her bathtub before she left for church. She wanted to know "Who would do that??" Erin responded with, "No one uses that bathtub because it is always full of your nasty red hair," I asked Dave to please drive faster so I could get out of the van and pretend that I didn't know these children.

The kids always draw names on Thanksgiving. Sam and Lauren weren't home this year so it was a little different. We drew names on Friday. Dave drew for Sam and Lauren. No one got themselves so we got it right the first go around. I think that may be a Murphy first. Ryan said, "guess who I got, I'll give you a hint. It's a girl!!" Maggie asks Dave at least three times a day, "Daddy are you going to put the tree up today?" Dave can't put weight on his right leg, so putting the tree up is not on the top of his list just yet. Dave is on Vacation this week. This is the week that I was supposed to go to Oklahoma but I was the only new hire in December so they are bringing the trainer to me for two weeks instead. I think Dave will spend the week in bed milking his calf injury. I may call him a few times from work to tell him to roll over. I don't want him to get bed sores!!

Yesterday was senior day for Sam's school. The parents walk on the field when their daughter is announced so the school can recognize their seniors. Our lovely daughter told us that they were doing this at half time. She called me an hour before the game and told me they were actually doing it 20 minutes prior to the game, not at half time. Luckily I was close to home when she called, I called Dave and he was actually the car ahead of me headed for home. We flew in the house, grabbed some warm clothes, grabbed some nicer clothes to wear to dinner with the parents and Seniors, I wasn't sure what time we were having dinner and I could wager a pretty good guess that my darling daughter had no clue. Sam called when we were about five minutes away and said, "My coach said they want to start in about 20 seconds, where are you?" We drove passed Lauren out for a run, she goes to the college down the street from Sam and gave her a quick honk and wave. Dave screeched into the parking lot and dropped me off while he parked. I sprinted to the field like OJ trying to catch a plane and made it just in time to see the other parents lined up with bouquets of flowers. I felt like the little drummer boy. I have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum...... I cleaned out my checking account for dinner tonight pa rum pum pum pum.... Lucky for us her room mate's mom didn't bring flowers either, although she was on time.

After the game we met up with Lauren for lunch. Sam wanted to stay and watch the men's game instead of going to lunch. Lauren jumped on the gravy train as soon as she saw us and called requesting a free lunch. Of course she waited patiently in her warm dorm room instead of showing support for her big sister on the ice cold metal bleachers with us. After lunch we had to run by Schnucks so I could buy her toilet paper and tooth paste, (she normally just steals mine) we went back to Lauren's dorm to get ready and hang out until it was time for dinner. It was nice getting ready there, I got to use all my favorite eye shadow colors that have mysteriously disappeared this semester. Dave was even able to get some of his black dress socks back. If only I could run to Kansas City to grab the deodorant that Shannon stole to cheer for her high school volleyball team at the state tournament. Earlier I just dug my fingernail into the empty deodorant on my counter and smeared it on that way. My life is so glamorous. Sam called and wondered why we were sitting in Lauren's small dorm instead of hanging out in her apartment. I said "trust me, your sister is trying to throw us out because we keep finding our stuff, but we are ignoring her." We went to Sam's and then left for dinner. We had a really nice time. Today we get to go to pizza street with Maggie's soccer team. Pizza street is one of those places that I would rather put a hot poker in my eye instead of attending. The sacrifices that I make for my children are overwhelming. Oh well at least my deodorant is back from Kansas City today. It's the small things in life that make me happy!!!!

Woo Hoo I have a job!!! Well actually it is not official yet, they are waiting on my background check to come back. It looks like I will be going to either Oklahoma city or Dallas for training. I am thinking of re-locating and not telling my family. Just kidding Maggie, the rest of my kids would probably be jumping up and down if they read that. Well until they got hungry that is.

Ryan had a soccer game tonight and it is really cold outside. Dave is the coach so he has to go but I chose to bow out of this game because the field is too far from the parking lot. If I can't sit in my warm car and cheer, count me out. Dave said "aw come on Coll, you should go." I reminded him that I gave birth to Ryan in the biggest snow storm St. Louis had seen in a long time. Jan of 99 for those locals that remember. I believe that gives me the right to miss a game or two to stay in my warm cozy house. Especially since the little angel chose to arrive a week late.

I have spent most of my evening watching cartoons with Maggie. Maybe I should have went to the game. We just got some new channels. I called the cable company to bundle our phone, Internet and cable to save money. I ended up adding a DVR and a few days later I had to add some channels when I found out that Rick Springfield was going to be on Soapnet on Soapography. I don't watch soap operas but by gosh I needed that channel. You never know if I might learn something new about the man who I have stalked since I was eleven. After all he did call me sweetie twice!

Shannon got her braces off yesterday. I would like to write about how beautiful her teeth look but I have yet to see her smile. I have however, seen her beautiful blue eyes roll around her head several times and she is so skilled at giving dirty looks that there is absolutely no need to show her three thousand dollar teeth!!

Dave has to write a 14 page paper for school and keeps putting it off. That is all he needs to complete his masters degree and he has found a million and five excuses not to start it. None of which are valid, I mean if he said, "I can't start on my paper because I have to put my wife's new license plates on that have been expired since Saturday." Or "I need to check the oil in my wife's van since she told me a week ago that the oil light keeps coming on." Or maybe "I need to put the power washer away that has been on the patio since August." I mean any of those reasons would be completely acceptable!!

We went for a walk tonight after dinner. I didn't want to bring the dog but he guilted me into it. He (the dog) always poops ten minutes in so one of us gets to hold the leash and the other the bag of poop. Win , win for everyone!!! Dave took a phone call towards the end of our walk and me and the dog sprinted home. I waked in the kitchen and Ryan said "Where is Dad?" I told him that I ran the last block and that dad should be here in a minute. When Dave walked in Ryan said "ha ha, you got beat by someone with a hairy face...... and a dog." He thinks he is so funny, I should really consider not removing my mustache in front of my little wise guy!!

We won another costume contest on Saturday. I think Dave is starting to enjoy his cheer leading shorts a little too much!! Kelsey was in a tournament in Illinois and had a 7:00 AM game on Sunday. Of course Dave took her instead of me, 7:00 is way before my time. Dave got lost and they drove around the state of Illinois a few times and stopped at several gas stations before they actually found the field. He had to work selling T-shirts from 11:00-3:30. I woke up with a pounding headache. I didn't drink at all at the party so I had no good excuse for such a bad headache. I took a few Advil and pulled myself together for noon mass. I took it easy the rest of the afternoon and laid on the couch. Dave got home a little after 4:00 I felt sorry for him for being stuck at the tournament all day so I told him I would pick Shannon up at 5:00. Normally if he is home, I send him. I do nothing but drive carpools Mon-Fri, if he is home, it's his turn. When it was time to leave I suggested, "why don't we both go." That way we could have "date night" It only took about ten minutes to realize that I made a bad decision. As soon as we hit the highway, I started feeling terrible. When we got to Shannon's school (40 minutes away) I asked "Do I feel clammy? He felt my forehead and said "yeah, what is clammy, anyway?" The girls got in the car (we bring another girl that lives by us home)and I just hoped that I would make it home. We were on the road a few minutes when luckily I found an empty Doritos bag at my feet to throw up in. I threw up four times while listening to shrieking from the backseat. They all quickly rolled down the windows to get some fresh air. I apologized to the girls and felt like a complete idiot. Shannon's friend was texting from the backseat, I can only assume that I was the subject of her texting. A while later Shannon asked "are you making dinner?" I said "yeah Shannon, I am holding a bag of vomit in a Doritos bag and thinking about what would be good to whip up for a Sunday dinner." She said "I am in the mood for pizza." I said, "how convenient, I had pizza for lunch and offered her the Doritos bag." Dave dropped me off before he brought Shannon's friend Katherine home. I think they wanted me out of the car. I didn't mention to anyone about the bladder issues when a mother of seven vomits. I told Erin what happened when I got home, her first response was "Where there any Doritos in the bag?" (food is always her first priority) Next she said, "wow, I feel bad for you but I feel really bad for Katherine." I took a bath and went straight to bed. Dave got the kids ready for school for me today ( scary) Once they were ready, he left for work, the kids were waiting for their ride and I heard Maggie say, "is anyone going to brush my hair today?" Thank God I have good ears, I drug myself out of bed, brushed her hair and gave her a head band. I doubt her and Ryan brushed their teeth because Dave just assumes that those type of things take care of themselves. I had a job interview today and luckily I felt better by this afternoon. The interview went well and I should hear something by next week. I interviewed with two women, one was local and another was from the home office in Texas. They both shook my hand when I arrived and when the interview was over. It's only a matter of time before they are searching for a barf bag. Hopefully they won't be able to trace it back to me!!

Aren't we an attractive couple?? Dave was a great sport about my idea for a Halloween party that we went to. When we pulled up to the party they had a bonfire outside. Imagine my darling husbands surprise when everyone was in Jeans. He said "I am going to kill you, no one is wearing a costume." I was dying laughing, it said costumes optional, I figured more people would be dressed up. I think he secretly enjoyed wearing the short shorts. We have another party this weekend, hopefully more people will be in costume.

We finally got together for our family Christmas card photo on Saturday. The kids were all less than thrilled for our annual photo shoot. Erin called Lauren earlier in the week and asked her whatever possessed her to take all the black heels with her to college. She couldn't understand how she could be so cruel. She said "Come on Lauren, you are already set, you have a boyfriend, do you really need all the good fall clothes and shoes??" She asked her to put together a little "goody bag" and bring it to the photo shoot to bring her out of her cute clothes depression. We went to Sam's college for our pictures, the kids moaned and groaned through the whole thing. They asked "How many more years are we going to have to do this?" I said "until someone gets married." Unfortunately for Mike he came along to watch this little episode of family dysfunction. The kids all started whining "Mike, hurry up and marry Lauren so we don't have to do this anymore." It's funny I think the picture that I am going to use is the very first one that I took. I didn't even have to take the next 80 shots.

I am posting the email that my husband sent out to his family about the Murphy happenings this week. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Due to constant whining at the Murphy Mansion last week since I only put out information on Sam scoring a goal, I thought I should provide an update on each person in the house:
Dave: Still a stud, no worries there
Colleen: Still secretly wishing Dave was Rick Springfield or Rick was Dave. I don't know, she has me confused. I do know that there is a giant Rick poster in her closet as of last week.
Sam: Spent last weekend with Bobby's foreign exchange student friend he dropped off on her so he could go have real fun. Called Dad for 7 days straight, talked for at least 20 minutes without taking a breath and never once asked how Dad was doing.
Lauren: Claims to have helped Mike build a dog house for their new dog, Mike's story is that she hammered only one nail and held a board while asking him "what does flush mean?" Spent weekend trying to determine which clothing items of hers Erin has stolen.
Erin: Was extremely excited that Colleen gave her a free doughnut coupon from QT, her life is now complete. Hint, good Christmas present idea for her. Spent remaining time on internet trying to find the sleaziest Halloween costume possible. Thinking up new clothes of Lauren's to steal.
Shannon: Text messaged over 1500 times and spent the better part of 5 days on facebook. Gave out 27,843 dirty looks to family members and brought laziness to a new level, unsurpassed in Murphy history.
Kelsey: Only tripped once coming into the house and spent entire week attempting to pass along to younger siblings any chore that was asked of her. Started fights and arguments with anyone willing to be around her.
Ryan: Did not get called to the principal's office or get a detention. Can do no wrong now that his teacher told Colleen that he really loves his Mom and he talks about her a lot. Maggie: Maggie who? Oh yeah, #7.
Maggie got her second Halloween costume, she can now be either a witch or a very sexy/skanky Raggedy Anne. I am betting on the sexy Raggedy Anne
Grandma: Spent entire week glued to TV talk shows about election coverage and Dancing with the Stars.
Seamus: Managed to still pee in the house despite Colleen's best efforts in having him wear a diaper. The dog looks silly in his diaper and I think he is now going to pee on Colleens stuff the minute she takes it off of him.

I am still unemployed and getting pretty used to drinking coffee with Regis and Kelly. I wonder if I can get good enough reception to still watch Regis and Kelly in the van when we are living in it since I don't have a job. The experts say it should take anywhere from 8-10 months to find a job. If I could stay out of Wal Mart we might be OK. Maybe Dave should hide my car keys from me every morning. Dave woke me up the other morning to ask me what color his pants were. Hello, they are on your body, are you serious??? He is not color blind so he has absolutely no excuse. He said "come on, please help me, are they khaki or green." I decided to really mess with him and said "they are a green khaki." I am going to make him some color flashcards that we can go over at night after I quiz Ryan and Maggie with their spelling words. It's not bad enough that my dog wears a diaper now I am teaching my husband his colors. No wonder we are so dysfunctional. Speaking of dysfunctional, it is that time again to do our family Christmas card. It is next to impossible to find an afternoon when everyone is free. Between work and soccer schedules we are struggling. I found shirts for everyone except Kelsey. I found one online but the shipping cost more than the shirt. If we don't get this coordinated I am just sending out a picture of me and Rick Springfield as our Christmas card.

I have seriously neglected my blog lately. I would like to say it is because I am so busy but I still haven't found a job, so I actually have plenty of free time during the day. One small problem is that my lap top has something wrong with it. You have to keep it plugged in and propped up at an angle in order to get power. It is still under warranty but dropping it off is on Dave's to do list. I would do it, but it came with Dave's tuition for school so it has to be him to bring it in. It took him eighteen months to get the doorbell fixed so I won't hold my breath. I am still flying high after meeting my all time crush. I have practically worshipped Rick Springfield since I was eleven so Friday was quite a day for me. Dave was a real trooper. Meeting him was a long time goal for me, it is funny how I felt like that same awkward eleven year old all over again. Rick is 59 now and my crush is still that of a sixth grader with wild hair and crooked teeth. He looked pretty good for 59 and his abs were pretty tight I might add. Of course he is no Dave Murphy!!!

Lauren turned 21 on Sunday. Her boyfriend Mike made her this really cool memo board for her dorm room. She saw one similar at Pottery Barn a while back and commented that he could probably make that. He made one square dry erase, one was cork, one was fabric and one was metal for magnets. He picked out all the materials himself and even went to the fabric store. The fabric store was next door to a hockey store. He stopped in to get his skates sharpened and got back in his car and drove four spaces down to the fabric store so no one would see him go in. It was really sweet, what a neat gift!!! My pearl earrings paled in comparison. Oh well, I gave her life. Top that Michael!!!

LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan got his recorder and book from music class yesterday. He is now an expert at Hot Cross Buns. Of course little Sybil is not enjoying the constant sound of Hot Cross Buns. I finally talked him into practicing on the deck, I have never really liked the sight of blood. Now I think my neighbors feel the same way as Erin does. My big concert is tomorrow, I went tanning again yesterday. The girl talked me in to going in a stronger bed. Now I have hot cross buns. The weather is kind of chilly, that combined with my sunburn is making me freeze. Kelsey was at the foot of my bed this morning at 5:15 asking me to go running with her. I pulled the covers up over my head and said maybe tomorrow. I bought her an alarm clock last week, she got tired of me not waking her up in time to go to the track before school. I think that new alarm clock might mysteriously disappear now that colder temperatures have moved in. tomorrow. I am really excited about the Rick Springfield concert, the thought of being that close to my teen idol has me a nervous wreck. I feel like Marsha Brady with Davy Jones. I was told that the acoustic concert before the actual concert will only be 30 or forty people. Holy cow, I may have to borrow a diaper from my dog. Hopefully I won't embarrass my husband to much.

Dave called me yesterday afternoon and said, "how is your day going?" I said "fine" he asked "what have you done all day?" I said, "do you really want to know." He said "yes." I thought to myself, "you asked for it." I said, "well sweetheart, I removed my moustache, plucked my stray neck hairs, plucked my eyebrows and trimmed my nose hairs, how's your day going?" He replied, "God you are a sexy beast!!!" That's why he loves me. I don't know how I ever found time to be beautiful when I worked.

I got my ipod back today, it has been broken for a couple months. I finally sent it back but it got lost in the mail. Just my luck, anyway to make a long story short after hours of waiting on hold with apple they finally agreed to send me a new one. That was at around 4:00 yesterday afternoon. Imagine my surprise when I heard my dog going crazy at the front door this morning while I was taking a bath. I looked out the window and saw the DHL man on my front porch, he new someone was home because the door was open and my diapered dog was jumping on the storm door trying to appear vicious in a diaper. He got his thrill for the day when I ran out in a towel and said "hold on." I found Dave's robe and signed for the package. Now that I have my ipod I have no excuse not to get my fat butt outside to exercise. Next time the DHL man sees me naked I will be half my size!!!

What a crazy weekend I had!!! Friday was my birthday, I won concert tickets on the radio in the morning. I had been trying all week. The love of my life, Rick Springfield is coming to town on Oct 3rd. I already have tickets (eighth row) but the radio station has added a private concert at a bar and the only way to get tickets is to win them. Well for anyone who knows me they know that I would do just about anything to get close to my teenage idol. To make a long story short, I won tickets by guessing the next line of one of his songs. They even made me sing it after I said it. I wouldn't sing on the radio for anyone other than Rick. I also get two more tickets to the concert, I hope the seats are closer than eighth row!!! Now anyone that heard me on the radio knows what a complete freak I am when it comes to Rick. My family and friends already know that I have lost my mind, thank God they only use first names on the radio.

Shannon had homecoming on Friday, she looked very pretty. I wish her disposition matched her appearance. I told her to wash and blow dry her hair so I could start working on styling it. Lauren told me she was sitting on my bed blow drying her legs instead of her hair because she was cold. She finally went out on the deck and fell asleep in the sun trying to let her hair dry . When I woke her up her hair looked as if she had spent six months living in a cave. Erin pointed out that this years homecoming theme was "Welcome To The Jungle." I guess she would fit in great then. She told all of us how much she hated us and finally settled down enough for me to start the two hour process of straightening her hair. Lucky for her I was still in a good mood from winning my concert tickets so I didn't kill her.

Erin decorated her car for homecoming, she had different color window paint on all of the windows including the back window and windshield. One of the things she wrote was BAMF, apparently it is initials that stand for Bad Ass Mother..... well you know the rest. Lauren is the one who snitched on her and told me what it meant. Thank God for older siblings, I was clueless. I explained to little Sybil how that was totally unacceptable not to mention trashy and by no means was that any way for a lady to act.

Dave and I were at two different soccer games on Sunday, he had his company car at home which he isn't supposed to drive for personal use so he took Lauren's. Erin took grandma's car to work because she left her keys at her friends house and I had her extra set with me at church when she left. Shannon called and needed a ride home. Dave and I were too far away. I called grandma and asked her if she could take Erin's car to pick up Shannon, I left the keys on the table after church. I wish I could have seen my 70 year old mother driving a car that said Bad Ass Mother..... on the window. I bet she looked so cute the kids might be getting a new grandpa soon!!!

Seamus's diaper is doing great, I think he actually likes it. I went to Wal Mart to buy Poise pads to put inside his diaper garment the other day and of course ran into one of Maggie's classmate's mom . I wonder how long it will take for the whole school to think that I have a bladder problem. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was buying them for my dog. I should have just said I was picking them up for my mother. (sorry mom, I had to throw someone under the bus) We are averaging two accidents a day. I steam cleaned the carpet today and I am starting to like my dog again.

Yesterday I was running late as usual to get Maggie to her 5:00 practice. I pulled out of the driveway and as soon as I got to the top of my hill I saw a motorcycle cop with a radar gun pointed on me. Woops, he pointed at me to pull over. He approached my window and very sternly said "Do you realize that I clocked you at 34mph in a 25mph residential zone?" I said "wow, I just pulled out of my driveway, this van sure has some get up and go doesn't it." But it kind of came out like "no, I sure didn't." He took my license and came back a few minutes later and said, I'm giving you an early birthday present (my birthday is Friday) I am going to give you a warning. He probably felt sorry for me because I am obviously delusional because my license still says that I weigh 95 lbs.

Shannon has her first formal dance on Friday. I talked her into having the after party at our house after the dance. Why did I do this?????? I thought it would be a good way to meet her new high school friends. What was I thinking??? She came home from school with a guest list of 40 of her closest friends. I said "40???" She said "one girl can't come," I said "great 39 kids plus dates." She said "well actually, 40, I did have 41 on the list. I instructed her to majorly shave that list down. I'm hoping that many of the kids won't be able to come because we live 40 minutes from school.

I kept Shannon home from school yesterday, she has had a really bad cough for almost two weeks. We went out to lunch afterwards. As soon as we sat down to eat Erin called me frantic. She wanted to know where we were, she had called the house phone, Shannon's phone and mine a few times before I finally answered. School let out at noon and she was afraid that we would go out to lunch without her. I don't know why she would think that. I told her to relax that I would give her money to go get something when she got home. I gave her $34 to pick up Shannon's prescription and some over the counter mucinex and lunch. Of course I had to ask for my change hours later. She gave me a ten dollar bill. I said "what a coincidence, the change was $10 exactly." Her prescription was less than $2 with our insurance and the mucinex was $10. Through further questioning I learned that the money I got out of the bank to use all week went to further little Sybil's golden tan. Lunch OK but tanning, was that really necessary???

Tonight was a bit crazy, Ryan had practice at 6:00, Maggie had a game at 5:30, Kelsey had practice at 6:00, Shannon was cheering at 6:30 and Erin had practice at 5:45. We also had a mandatory parent meeting for parents of second graders for Reconciliation at 7:00. Grandma is out of town visiting her favorite grand kids so I had to figure out how I was going to juggle everything. I got a ride for Ryan, Erin can drive herself, I was going to take Maggie to her game and head to Shannon's cheering after her game(I would be about 40 minutes late) Dave was going to drop Kelsey at practice and I arranged for her to get a ride home and then he would head over to the reconciliation meeting. If all went as planned Ryan would get dropped off around the same time as Kelsey. I brought Maggie's spelling words along with us so we could go over them at the volleyball game that Shannon was cheering. Good thing we did, she got 9 of the fifteen wrong. A couple of them she just confused d'd with b's but the rest were way off. I had her re write them five times each and quizzed her the whole way home. It will be a miracle if we pull off a C- this week. I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home, Erin called me crying that she couldn't find a gas station and her gas light was on and her brakes don't work and she hates dad. I asked "where are you?" She said "at a gas station." I thought to myself, I thought you couldn't find a gas station but your at a gas station????? I told her that I was stuck in traffic that I would send dad to come and get her. She said "don't send him, I hate him." I called home and Ryan and Kelsey both answered. It is always a treat to talk to both of them, I said "put dad on the phone." They both argued for five minutes about which one would go get him. He was in the dark cutting the grass. He finally got on the phone and I told him to call Erin. He said "she called me earlier asking me to help her find a gas station and she was screaming at me." I said "well now she said her brakes don't work, you need to go get her and drive her car back and she can take yours." Of course he finished cutting that last strip of grass before he went for his stranded daughter. He didn't want to let the grass down. They finally returned and Dave said that the car was fine and that the brakes were not bad. Erin said "I am not driving that car, I don't care what you say." She is taking a few honors courses and they are starting to take their toll. Between work, school and soccer she is a bit stressed.

On a good note, I bought Seamus his doggie diaper. He actually left it on. I think I like him better now that he can't pee on my vacuum cleaner every time he walks past it. His diaper is in the washing machine because it is wet. Tomorrow I am going to go back for the liners, I didn't want to spend the extra money before I knew whether or not he would keep it on. I am a mother of seven children, I changed diapers for over twelve years without a break. Now I am changing diapers for my dog. Fabulous!!!

Kelsey got to see her all time sports idol, Lori Chalupny tonight. She was so sweet, she even let Kelsey hold her gold medal and pose for a picture. Kelsey brought along her smelly soccer shoe for her to sign and she did it with a laugh and probably sanitized her hands shortly after. It is great to see a professional athlete represent not only her country but her city so well. What a fabulous role model she is for young girls everywhere. I know one young girl in particular who is truly inspired!!

I am still searching for a job, I alternate between boredom, frustration and pure joy at being able to wait until 10:00 before I brush my teeth or put a bra on. My goal is to keep my dumb dog from peeing in the house now that I am home all day. I swear he waits until I'm not looking and hurries up and pees. There is a product out called a belly band that is like a male diaper for dogs. I am going to break down and buy it. I am sure he will soon learn to eat his way out of it but it is worth a shot. Otherwise we may be taking a trip to the "farm" sooner rather than later.

Hamburger buns, how hard could it possibly be to buy them in a timely fashion??? I was grilling burgers and making mac and cheese for dinner. I called Dave and asked him to swing by the store and pick them up on his way home. I asked him when he was leaving the office so I knew when to start dinner. Of course I always have to add at least 15 minutes to whatever time that he tells me. Today I actually gave him an extra half hour so I would have a little cushion. Erin and Shannon came home and I had a piping hot dinner ready for them when they walked in the door except for the buns. Where in the hell were the buns?? I called the love of my life but he didn't answer. He finally got home after we finished eating with several bags of groceries. Considering the only thing that was on his list was hamburger buns I didn't see a need for so many bags. He could tell that I was aggravated and if my body language wasn't a big enough clue my son said "mom was ready to lock you out." His response was, "don't be mad pumpkin, you have no idea how stressful that was for me at the store, I couldn't find the chips. Every aisle was marked except the chip aisle, Why wouldn't they mark the chip aisle? Every end cap had chips , that was very misleading, what are they trying to do? Trick me?" I said, "Yeah Dave along with KFC, everyone is out to trick you. Maybe you are just a bumbling idiot, did you ever think of that?" Considering that hamburger buns were the only thing on the list, you could have avoided all the "stress" of the chip hunt.

Erin called me this afternoon to see if she could go to her friends house tonight because she got an ear piercing gun. She said don't worry mom, it's a good one and it's sterile. I asked what she was planning on piercing. She said that she wanted to double pierce her ears. I thought if it is so sterile that she might as well go ahead and pierce her nose, eyebrow, tongue and belly button while she was at it. NOT She stayed home and worked on homework instead.

Today was the day that we were supposed to get to school early so Ryan could finish his homework. Dave woke me up at 5:15 , I normally go up to the track by my house with Kelsey at 5:30 so she can run sprints. I don't want her going by herself so I drag my fat butt out of bed to go with her, it's a good day when I only get lapped twice. Anyway, this morning when Dave woke me up I mumbled something along the lines of "shut up and leave me alone, today is picture day, Kelsey isn't running today." The next thing I knew it was 7:30, school starts at 7:50 and I drive two other kids to school. I quickly woke everyone up and decided to take my carpool and come back for my kids. I threw on some shorts and hopped in the car braless and without brushing my teeth. I said a quick prayer that no one would talk or look at me. I came back for the kids and decided that they were already going to be late that they might as well be pretty and late. I worked on Maggie's hair, packed a few lunches, brushed my teeth and even put on a bra. We made it to school by 8:15 looking spiffy. Not too shabby!!! Of course Ryan had to stay inside for recess to finish his homework.

Ryan had a game tonight at 6:30. Shannon needed a ride home from cheerleading practice at 5:00 and I had to cook the steaks that have been in in the fridge since Sunday. I asked grandma if she wanted to pick up Shannon or cook dinner. She chose to sit in a car for an hour and twenty minutes verses cooking for my crew. When dinner was ready my darling son was nowhere to be found. We had to leave for his game in 20 minutes and his uniform was sitting on the kitchen table and he was nowhere in sight. I called grandma and asked her to swing by Ryan's buddies house on her way home to look for my lost boy. She found him, he had just enough time to scarf down some dinner and get dressed. We were running so late that I didn't even have enough time to yell at him. Oh well tomorrow is another day.

I was hanging out with my good buddies John and Sarah this weekend. They came to the ballpark by my house. I decided to skip Kelsey's game and head up to the rally. I am glad that I went. I am even more glad that I decided to leave my kids at home. Three hours of whiny kids would have been a little more than I could take.

Things are getting back to normal at home. I am out of the fetal position, that's a plus. Another one of my co workers called me today, she got laid off this morning. She only works Mon-Wed so she wasn't there to share in the joy on Thursday with me. I have a few job leads already and I have decided to use this time to get some things done. For example; I cleaned my toilets and got rid of all my skinny clothes that will never fit me again. It was tough staying out of the fetal position when I filled up a large trash bag full of size 2's and 4's.

Kelsey had a game tonight so I had grandma bring Maggie to her soccer practice. Grandma stayed in her car reading a book, Maggie decided to stay after practice and work out with the next group. (the same coach) Grandma got out of the car looking for her and finally found her when she noticed two little girls with a number 10 on their back. Grandma asked "Maggie, why didn't you come to the car?" Her response was "please don't tell mom grandma, she will put it on the blog." Aw come on Maggie, give me a little credit, I would never do that to you sweetheart!!!

When I got home tonight Ryan had the buzz book out calling his buddies looking for an English book that he could borrow so he could do his homework, he left his at school. He had to do 12 questions. One by one his friends told him "sorry Ryan, I finished mine at school." By the fifth phone call I was beginning to wonder why my son didn't finish his at school. Of course he had a perfectly logical explanation "I couldn't find a pencil and it took me half of the class to find one." I said "well then you probably only have a few questions to finish up right?" "Umm, I think I finished one or two." We called a few more responsible, focused little boys and decided to call it a night and get to school early. I put 6 sharpened pencils in his backpack and threatened him within an inch of his life, gave him a good night kiss and sent him off to bed. My mothering skills never cease to amaze me.

What a difference 24 hours make. Yesterday I was rubbing elbows at the Cardinals game in a luxury box with some of the top water company brass with Dave. This morning I went to work and was told along with another employee that they were down sizing and thanks but no thanks but they no longer needed us. Talk about a blow to the ego. I don't feel like being funny tonight, I am going to go lay in the fetal position for a few days!! Maybe KFC is hiring.

Today I have a special guest writer, none other than my darling chicken crazy husband. After reading today's post you will all soon feel my pain and realize what a complete weirdo that I am married to. Enjoy!!!

Colleen


Today, I wanted to write on the blog to get my point of view across for the first time. I usually am the butt of most of this blog and even though most of the time I probably deserve it, I still am one heck of a catch. Colleen sure got lucky when I agreed to marry her, I agreed after she told all her friends we were getting married. She doesn’t remember it that way but trust me, I am always right.

Today, on our trip home from Chicago, we were both hungry. We went to 10:00 mass and then left in pretty short order to make it home by 5:00 pm for Kelsey’s game, I hadn’t eaten anything all morning and I was in the mood for Taco Bell. As we started looking for a Taco Bell, I noticed all the food signs on the sides of the highways. My wife suggested, “How about some KFC”, now that is a good women, no wonder I agreed to marry her. If any one has followed this blog, you will know that I love KFC and I usually have a few misadventures whenever I try to eat some.

As I was driving, I was explaining to Colleen that people shouldn’t call it KFC because if the Colonel called it Kentucky Fried Chicken, then for the love of God, I was going to call it Kentucky Fried Chicken. KFC was just a cop out and I for one would not stand for it. She usually does not pay much attention to me so I went on explaining that she needed to watch very carefully for the Kentucky Fried Chicken signs because they do not put too many of the signs on the highways because they do not want to just make their delicious food available to anyone, but rather they prefer the traveler undergoes a quest, or a pilgrimage to find this treasure.

As she was rolling her eyes at me and telling me to be quiet, she noticed a sign for KFC, 2 miles ahead and boy was I excited. As we exited the highway, Colleen told me the sign said go left so left it was. What could be better than driving on a beautiful sunny Sunday with the girl of my dreams to go retrieve some Kentucky Fried Chicken, life just doesn’t get any better than this. Normally, these highway signs are for restaurants that are just off of the highway and I noticed that we were traveling awfully far away from the highway, practically into downtown Joliet and no sign of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Now my heart was sinking and Colleen was laughing at me. She knows it is always some type of nonsense when I attempt to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, usually it is just a closed restaurant or I get confused in the drive through but this time it was different. Could I have gotten off at the wrong exit, or did I just miss it. By now it was not funny and Colleen was ready to give up and she was yelling at me to turn around. We had driven about 15 minutes and I just knew that if we kept going, a bit further, it would appear on the horizen. Then I just began to think that she read the sign wrong and we should have turned to the right. What started out as a nice drive on a Sunday quickly turned into me wanting to pull into oncoming traffic and have some semi-truck crash into her side of the Jeep. Kentucky Fried Chicken is like my search for the Holy Grail. I feel like Indiana Jones, except instead of giant boulders and snakes, I am dealing with inaccurate road signs and a directionally challenged wife. At this point I would take the snakes.

Disgusted and hopeless, I turned around, resigned to the fact that I would be Kentucky Fried Chickenless once again. From my side of the Jeep there were no sounds except for a faint sniffling but Colleen’s side was a different matter. Her laughing and joking was almost too much for a man to handle. My mind was spinning through all of my options, I was hoping that there was another Kentucky Fried Chicken somewhere on the way home but I knew I was just kidding myself. As I neared the highway, off to my left, hidden behind a giant Rick’s RV’s sign, I saw the Colonel looking out over the sign like the old “Kilroy Was Here” signs. Man, I was back in business. Life was good again and Colleen would live to see her children once again. As we were waiting to make a left, it occurred to me that the Kentucky Fried Chicken was on her side originally and she should have noticed it. It was about 100 yards from the highway and she had me driving for 15 minutes into downtown Joliet. She was not paying as close of attention as I had instructed her to and I thought I should remind her of the consequences of her actions. I thought about bringing it up and reminding her once again how important it was to keep a sharp eye out for Kentucky Fried Chicken because it is not like they simply put them where just anyone can find them but I did not want to ruin the moment so I chose to leave my explanation for another day.

Colleen wanted to get it to go, she wanted to get home in time for Kelsey’s game. Get it to go!? She knew better than to suggest the drive though but she now wanted me to walk in and then get my food and eat it in a Jeep, I just stared at her in disbelief. After all I had been through and she wanted to get it to go, that was just not going to happen. Once again I had to explain to her that it is not easy to eat fried chicken while driving, greasy fingers, crumbs, just can not be done. How could a man drive and eat mashed potatoes, think about it, it is just not possible. Sometimes she just does not think everything through. As usual, she gave in to me rather than listening to any more of my explanations and we sat down to a delicious lunch.

I originally thought about writing this as an open letter to Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I decided that I should not tempt fate. Kentucky Fried Chicken is pretty powerful and even I do not fully understand all of its powers. I was able to sneak one out today but all the bad karma an open letter would cause would probably catch up to me next time so I just thought I would present just the facts and there you have it.

By the way, most of the stories you have heard on this blog have been jazzed up a little bit for artistic purposes. I am no where near as much of a bumbling fool that my little "punkin" would have you all believe. I have practically raised these 7 kids single handily and if it wasn’t for me and my organizational skills, this house would fall in upon itself. After all, I did battle with Kentucky Fried Chicken today and I lived to tell the tale.

P.S. I kid a lot but I really do love my wife. She is the best and with her permission, I may write again some day,

Dave

Fridays are my early days at work, I go in at 7:00 and get off at noon. Today was the first day that the kids were in school so I had a few hours to myself. I met Dave for lunch and came home to return a few emails and get things organized for my mom for the weekend. I didn't want her to go through the same stress of looking for uniforms and cleats like I do every weekend. I noticed Ryan's pencil case sitting on the couch that he must have forgot this morning. I opened my mail and I got two letters from the school cafeteria manager letting me know that I owed $3, not only did my son forget his lunch and receive a cheese sandwich on Thursday but my darling daughter Kelsey did the same thing. Maybe I should run by a local food pantry every morning and scoop up the forgotten lunches out of the back of my van after I drop the kids off. When the kids got home I asked Kelsey about the forgotten lunch and she said "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you." Maggie chimed in with "I forgot milk money today too, I figured you would be mad if I charged milk again so I just didn't have a drink." I said "Ryan you forgot your pencil case." He said, "I know, that's the second time this week." I'm glad we are starting the year off right!!!

Wednesday morning I woke up a little perturbed at my darling husband, he had a test on Tuesday evening and decided to go have a few drinks with his classmates instead of coming home early to his overworked, under appreciated wife. I was in the Bermuda triangle straightening my hair when my darling angel Ryan (who by the way reminds me of his "in the dog house" father), walked in and said, "I don't know where my shorts are, they keep disappearing." I think he learned quite quickly that he was going to have to find the disappearing shorts on his own. He has two pair of school shorts (the wrong size mind you, but still two) he was on his third day of school, for some reason when you throw them on the floor in whatever room you feel like, they don't re appear the next morning on your body. Wednesday was their first full day of school so while dad was out having fun Tuesday night I was driving Maggie, Kelsey and Ryan to and from soccer practice. In between that I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things for lunches. I had spent Monday night at the mall shopping because Dave told me we were invited to a dinner through work at a country club. I am not a country club kind of girl, I have spent half my life barefoot and pregnant, there were no silver spoons in my mouth just plastic. Some time on Tuesday Dave told me he heard wrong and the dinner was not at a country club but it was dinner at the cardinal game in one of the corporate boxes. Maybe if I had that information when I spent two hours looking for a country club outfit that hid my fat rolls I could have looked for something in cardinal red instead. Ahhh details!!!! By Wednesday morning I was considering letting him go to the game alone. For some reason I always take it out on the kids when I am mad at Dave. I spent the whole morning snapping at the kids, Shannon had orientation until eleven and forgot to ask grandma for a ride home. I was not going to wake grandma up at 6:30 to see if she could get her. I believe my motherly words of wisdom to her was that she would have to walk home. Never mind the fact that her school is 25 highway miles away. I packed lunches and headed out the door barking at my kids the whole way. I picked up the two kids in my carpool and my demeanor changed to June Cleaver, "good morning, how are you this morning." I think my kids must have been thinking "no wonder Erin is crazy, look at our Matriarch, she definitely has a split personality." Maggie forgot milk money and had to charge milk on the first day.

I decided to spend my evening making my husband kiss up all night with me in my new aqua shirt at the cardinal game. Ryan called and said he needed book covers by the next morning or else he would get a demerit. We went to the 24 hour Wal Mart looking for book covers. They were all out, next we tried the 24 hour Walgreen's and found some. He was happy when he woke up and saw that we remembered the book covers. I gave Maggie milk money today and enough for the day before. Ryan forgot his lunch today and had to charge a cheese sandwich (which he doesn't like) on his second full day. I am sure the cafeteria workers think the Murphy kids must be as sharp as tacks, one kid forgets milk money on the first day and another forgets his lunch.

Shannon has her first mixer tomorrow at an all boy's high school. Her plans have changed thirty times so far. Where they are getting ready, who is driving, where they are spending the night etc, etc. She hasn't even mentioned what she is wearing yet, Yikes!!! Dave and I are headed to Chicago tomorrow to help my sister move. She is moving to a cheaper apartment next door. She needed a big strong man to help her move furniture and she didn't know any, so she settled for Dave. And no, Shannon didn't walk home, Erin picked her up after I filled her gas tank because she spent her pay check on a new bikini.

This morning my straightener was on my bathroom vanity right where I left it. Life was good for a while until I looked for my eyeliner that mysteriously disappeared. I am beginning to think my bathroom is like the Bermuda triangle. Tampons, eyeliner, hair clips, conditioner, body wash, perfume, mascara, deodorant and of course my favorite hair straightener all seem to disappear without explanation. I think if it wasn't for my lovely daughters I might actually be quite glamorous!!

I got an email from the team mom from Erin's soccer team that she needed a copy of her birth certificate. The last time I saw it, it was folded up like an accordion from being in her purse for so long when she flunked her driver's permit written test 5 times. I have three copies of everyone else's but none of Erin's. Ryan said, "that proves it, Erin is adopted." Trust me if that was the case I would have tried to find that loophole to return little Sybil ages ago. (just kidding Erin) She called me and said "I think I know where it is, check in the lime green photo album that I got from Eric Fischer with an E on it in my white bookshelves, I had an epiphany." I checked the photo album but no crumpled up birth certificate to be found. She was all out of ephinay's. I guess we are headed to Clayton tomorrow to try and get a new one. Fabulous!!!

I told the kids that they are going to have to be a little more responsible with letting the dog out. I am getting tired of cleaning up dog pee. I told them that I was going to take a vacation day to shampoo all of the rugs and from then on I didn't want to see any more accidents or their precious puppy would spend some quality time in his crate. Ryan went out to the garage to get his putter and golf ball (because every little boy should putt in the living room) He came back in and said "Ooh yuck, Seamus peed in the garage and I stepped in it , as he was drying the pee off of his foot on my living room carpet." Let me get this straight, the dog pees outside for a change and my son brings it in the house and wipes it on the carpet????

Dave started a new job this morning, he is with the same company but his office will be closer to home. Today was supposed to be the start of us getting up early. My plan was to get up early and start my day by running a mile and he was going to go to 6:30 mass and get to the office early. He woke me up at 6:00 and I remembered that I had left my good tennis shoes in the van, that seemed like entirely too much effort to go out and get them. I decided to use that half hour for my beauty rest instead. My fat rolls and cellulite are well rested today.

Where in the world did summer go? We still haven't joined the pool. Last night we had our back to school bar b Que and open house. Maggie had a soccer game and we had a parent meeting for Shannon for high school.We had a thirty minute window to run up to school for the open house before we had to leave for Maggie's game. I had told Maggie the night before to get her soccer uniform ready . Of course in true Murphy fashion, she forgot. She lost her white jersey and black shorts. Lucky for her she needed red for her game, we were able to buy a little more time until the next game. I asked Shannon to look for it while we were at open house. I knew that she would tell me that she looked everywhere but would put little to no effort in to looking for the missing jersey. She had school pictures before the parent meeting, so her hair and make up were taking precedence to the missing jersey. We had to take Maggie with us to the parent meeting, she was a little bored but at least she was quiet.

This morning started typically with me searching for my hair straightener. Erin had school pictures today and she was in the middle of a little melt down. She is on acne medicine(for the two pimples that she gets) that makes her skin really dry. She was out of town this weekend and forgot her face lotion. She woke up this morning to a puffy dry face. She was less then thrilled. She said, "look at my face, my picture is going to be horrible." I said, "maybe you should give me my check back for the pictures." She didn't appreciate my humor. Ryan decided this morning that I bought him the wrong size school shorts. He said that he will be the only boy in fourth grade who's shorts are that short. Maybe he should have clued me in a little earlier, like the day I bought them three weeks ago!! On a good note Sam called and said that the company that she wants to work for next summer called her and offered her an internship. I was just telling Dave what a good feeling it was as a parent to see our kid's hard work finally pay off. She has been the type of kid that has always worked her tail off. I can't think of a kid that is more deserving of a few doors opening up than Sam, even if I am a little biased.

I am about two weeks into soccer season and I am considering finding a concrete wall to ram my head against. It seems that every time I turn around the coaches have scheduled another scrimmage or the team managers need another check. My kids lost my palm pilot so I bought a new one last week. I finally had some time this evening to enter some data. It looks like I am booked solid through November. I still haven't put Shannon's cheerleading schedule in. I sure wish they would lower the driving age to twelve. That would make my life a breeze. Ryan had a baseball game last night. After the game we had to rush out to pick Kelsey up from practice. It was the first time that Ryan rode in the van since we got it back from our friends. They detailed it for me before they returned it. It has never looked better. Ryan got in and said "Oh my God, is this our van??? It is spotless, they even scraped all of the gum out of the cup holders." OK, french fries on the floor I can deal with, but why would anyone put gum in a cup holder???

I gave Maggie three chores to do every day this summer. Brush your teeth, brush your hair and get dressed. Normally when I get home from work she has mastered one or two of these tasks. Maggie had practice at 6:00 in Maryland Heights (30 minutes away) Ryan had practice in Chesterfield at 6:30 (40 minutes away) and I had to be at the kid's school for uniform hand out. Tonight was the last night to pick up uniforms or my kids would have had to play naked, which isn't necessarily a bad idea. If they played naked I wouldn't be rooting through dirty clothes looking for soccer jersey's, now would I? I showed up for uniform pick up last night because I thought yesterday was August 11th. At least this time I was a day early instead of a day late. I arranged a ride for Maggie so I could pick up the uniforms. I called home from work around 2:30 to tell Maggie and Ryan to get ready. Ryan needs approximately 30 minute per item that he has to put on. Lets see; two socks, two shin guards, a shirt, shorts, two shoes. Darn, I should have called by 10:30. When I got home Maggie was already gone. When she got home from practice, I was horrified when she walked in. I braided her hair yesterday morning in two french braids. Yesterday she looked adorable, today she looks homeless. Obviously she forgot one of her three chores, probably two, I seriously doubt that she bothered to brush her teeth either. I'm not sure if she even walked passed a mirror today. Her older sisters chose to ignore the unkept seven year old heading out the door for soccer practice. After all they aren't getting paid to babysit, why should they bother to do more than the bare minimum??I am thinking of introducing myself to the parents on the team as the mother of the child that lives in a van down by the river!!

I have had a crazy week. Shannon had her regional competition for high school cheerleading. It is amazing that she lived long enough to compete because her big sister Erin almost killed her the day before at work study. They do work study at their school to help defray the cost of tuition. It is better to do a week in the summer so their schedule during the school year isn't as full. Apparently little Miss Shannon didn't have the best attitude when they were taking apart soccer goals and cleaning out school storage sheds in 98 degree weather. Erin had just about enough of Shannon's eye rolls and sighs. They made it home in one piece without a punch, scratch or hair pull. Miracles never cease. I took off work on Wednesday to help with hair and make up for the cheerleaders. We started at 9:00 AM, they were not competing until 6:00 PM but needed to be ready by 1:00 so they could watch the JV squad perform. The girls were all really sweet except one. This girl in particular almost got every little red hair ripped out of her head. Shannon is really tender headed, that combined with the eye rolling, sighing, whining and general bad attitude was enough to push me over the edge. I saw Erin in the hallway and shared with her that I was ready to kill her little sister. She said "Oh my God, I know, every time Shannon asks me to straighten her hair it ends in a fist fight." The girls did really well at the competition and won a bid to compete at the State Championship in November. It makes me a nervous wreck to watch my baby thrown up so high in the air. Granted, hours earlier I was ready to throw her out a classroom window. Here is the link to the video of the competition .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tidsT8U6rs

I had fun on my girls weekend. It was nice that the group that I went with were pretty tame. We shopped, talked about our kids and watched a couple of movies in the evening. When did I become so boring???? I missed an anniversary party on Friday night. Dave went without me and called me on his way home to tell me about it. He seemed to have a good time, I was sorry that I missed it. The next morning Erin called me to snitch on her dad, she said "Oh my God mom, you should have seen what dad wore to the party, khaki shorts, socks and tennis shoes."I asked her why she let him out of the house dressed for a bar b que. She said that she wasn't home when he left. Lauren called me a few hours later with a matching story. I learned an important lesson this weekend, I won't leave again without laying out his clothes.

Dave, Ryan and Mike were out fishing when I got home. Lauren was throwing a fit because they had been gone so long. When they returned, Mike told her it was really hard to argue with her on the phone when she called to yell at him when he was sitting two feet away from her dad on a tiny boat. Poor Mike, he is learning to just say yes dear, early on. I bought him a shirt for his birthday on my shopping trip. It was a Columbia blue color to match my beautiful daughter's eyes. Dave has a closet full of shirts the same color to match my eyes. Never mind the fact that they both have green eyes, sometimes it is a little more important to make us look better.

Shannon has her Regional competition on Wednesday for cheerleading. I am going early to help with hair and make-up. I am new to this whole cheerleading thing, I am used to sweaty soccer players and stinky shin guards. Giddy cheerleaders will be a whole new experience for me.

My husband called me on his way home from work. He was a little stressed because he got another call while we were talking. He has had the same phone for two years and still can't figure out how to work the call waiting feature. He said every time he tries to click over, he ends up hitting the mute button and talking to the same person. Call me crazy, but if you are still hitting the mute button after two years, it may be a good idea to try a different button. I used to think all of his quirks were cute!!!

I got my van back on Wednesday, I am officially $1,800 poorer. Oh well, it's just money, I have always thought money was over rated anyway. Maybe the kids could start a new trend and go to school barefoot this year. I lent the van to my friends for their vacation in Destin Fl, they are leaving at 2 in the morning. I will breathe much easier once I know that they arrive with the transmission intact. I would hate to spoil their vacation by them spending it at an auto garage vs the beach. It seems to be driving perfect, so hopefully it will be fine.

Ryan had another birthday party to go to, this time I did the shopping and got him a masculine red, gift bag. I asked Dave to drop him off, I was waiting for my friend to come by so I could show him how to work the TV and video game hook up in the van before we traded cars. Dave acted aggravated that he had to take OUR son somewhere because he was supposed to meet Lauren's boyfriend Mike to go fishing. I'm sure the fish can wait, he could tell that this was one little battle that he had no chance of winning. I asked him where Ryan was and he said "in the car." I went out to the car and asked, "do you have a pillow, change of clothes, toothbrush??" He said, "umm, I brought a pair of shorts." I looked in the bag and he had a pair of shorts with stains all over them packed. We went inside to re-pack and grab the gift off the kitchen table that he forgot. I told Dave to find out what time pick up was in the morning. I asked him last night what time he needed to be picked up. He said it was in between 3 and 5. That was a pretty big window. He told me they were going to go swimming. I said, "he didn't pack his swim trunks." Dave said "don't worry, our kids are able to adjust well." I wanted to say, "no, they are used to adjusting because their father is completely incompetent." Instead I said, Yeah they sure are. I am leaving this afternoon for a girls weekend at the lake. When Ryan found out he threw a fit. I asked why he was so upset. He said, "that's not fair that everyone gets to go except me." I laughed and said, it's not a Murphy girl weekend, just some of my high school friends. He thought that I was bringing all of his sisters. Is he crazy, I am getting away from all of my offspring this weekend. I think there may be lots of "adjusting" with daddy this weekend.

I made it home from work yesterday just in time to see my only son ready to walk out the door for a birthday party with a hot pink gift bag. I left a blank check on the counter for Erin to run to Target to pick up a gift and assumed that she would take care of the wrapping as well. When I walked in the door he looked at me with a pleading look in his eyes as if he was saying "mom, please save me from these crazy people." I had five minutes before I had to meet the rest of Shannon's carpool, to which I was just informed that it was our turn to drive. I received a call at work at 4:45 that we had to meet the carpool at the gas station at 5:20. I walked in my door around 5:10. The problem that I faced was that I had to take a major poop and find gift wrap that wouldn't scar my son for life in only five minutes. I sprinted down to the storage room only to find princess gift bags and then I found some lime green tissue paper. There was a God. Now all I needed was tape, tape, tape, oh where in the hell do we keep the tape. Finally I wrapped the gift hap hazardly and sent him out the door with grandma for the party. Now I had three minutes left to poop. All I needed was toilet paper, toilet paper, oh where in the hell is the toilet paper. Finally on the fourth bathroom that I tried I found a roll of toilet paper. Did anyone use the bathroom today???? And if so, with the exception of Ryan how????

The transmission place that has my van called today and said, "Mrs. Murphy, do you have a few minutes to talk?" I thought to myself, this can't be good. He then proceeded to tell me that this was the worst transmission that he has seen in all of his fifteen years of working on transmissions. He asked me if by chance I had a teenager that was driving it rough due to the condition of my transmission. Considering that my kids are too afraid to even back the blue beast out of the driveway, I must be the culprit. There were only three parts of the transmission that were not completely destroyed. Fabulous!!! Of course this little repair is now going to cost an additional $500 from the original quote. I am planning on bringing Ryan's guitar to work tomorrow to play in the lobby at lunch to pick up a little extra cash. Maybe I will bring Maggie along, mess up her hair, smear some dirt on her, and have her sit on one leg so she looks like she is missing a limb!!!

Today was the day of our staycation. A bunch of our friends went to Gulf Shores Alabama this week and invited us along. We decided against it because the complex that they were staying at only had condo's that slept six. Our family doesn't get along well enough for such cramped quarters. We decided to save money and stay home. Dave was on vacation this week so I took a vacation day and planned a day at Grants Farm. The nice thing about Grants Farm is that it is free, you pay $10 to park and the rest is free. The plan was pick Shannon up at Cheereleading practice at 10:30 and head to Grants Farm. Of Course we overslept and had to hit the ground running, Maggie had to take a quick bath because she had a party at 5:00 and I knew there wouldn't be time after our family outing. It was pouring down rain when we headed out. When we picked up Shannon we noticed something was a little off. She had a swollen top lip. She got punched in the face by accident when she was coming down from a cheerleading stunt. It didn't help when my darling husband so eloquently stated "Shannon, you look like a duck billed platypus!!" We headed to Schnucks to get doughnuts for my five starving children. (the oldest two were too cool for the family outing) We came out of schnucks in the pouring down rain with the doughnuts to find that we locked the keys in the car. Lucky for us, we know how to slide open the tiny side windows and push Maggie in sideways to unlock the door. We decided that the weather was not going to let up so we should pick another destination. We decided on The City Museum. We got there and it was $12 a piece to get in. It was going to cost $84. I looked at Dave and said "do you want to stay??" He said, "we have to now, we can't take the kids to a fun place and just walk in the door and tease them." The kids had a fun time, it really is a pretty cool place, not $84 cool but still pretty cool. On the way home, daddy took the scenic route we got to see lots of spray painted buildings that said bloods or crypts. A little educational gang activity is always fun. We headed for home and stopped by Wendy's for lunch. We were running out of time and decided to swing by Target to pick up a gift for Maggie's party. Erin was throwing a fit, she had to work at five and she needed time to straighten her hair so she didn't look like a wet dog. Shannon was throwing a fit because I was going to Target instead of WalMart because WalMart was giving away free 3D glasses for the Hannah Montona movie that will be on TV on Saturday. We were in the turning lane going in to Target when we heard a loud bang that sounded like the van engine dropping to the ground. Dave tried to step on the gas and nothing, the van wouldn't move. We sat there for a while trying to figure out what to do. Some man stopped to help but there was no way they could push the van off the road because it is too heavy. Erin and I decided to run across HWY K to the auto garage to see if they could tow it. Erin and I were sprinting across the four lane road in our flip flops in the rain and I said "see, I told you that today would be more fun than going to Florida." The people at the garage were really nice, they even had an employee with a Yukon drive me and the kids home while Dave rode with the tow truck driver. I called the mother of the little girl that was having the party and said "Maggie will be there on time but she is coming empty handed. I was going to drop her off, get a gift and come back, hopefully before they open gifts." We got in the car to go and I heard Maggie screaming. I turned around and she had smashed her thumb in the door. She got it out and I ran inside and got her a baggie full of ice. I'm hoping that this day was a bad dream and I will wake up in Gulf Shores or Florida on a real vacation!!!!

11 doughnuts at Schnucks $8.00

admission at City Museum $84

Tow truck $75

Ice for Maggie's thumb and Shannon's lip $1

Van Repair TBD

Family Fun!!!!! PRICELESS!!!!

Life is good at the Murphy house tonight!! Dave finally got his bucket of chicken. I was in Chicago this weekend with Erin on a soccer tournament. My sister in law left me a message that she was at KFC and wanted to invite her baby brother because she read my blog last week. She also called his phone and left him the same message. He was out of town at Lake of the Ozarks with his boss and some of the other managers/supervisors. I talked to him several times while I was in Chicago. Dave really enjoys fishing as long as he catches the biggest fish out of everyone that he is fishing with. Unfortunately for him, he fished for eight hours and only caught four little fish. The last time I talked to him I could tell that his ego was a tad bruised.

I got home from Chicago around 3:00, Dave was already home. Shannon called around 5:00 and needed a ride home from cheer leading practice. Dave asked if I would ride with him to pick her up so we could swing by KFC on the way home. I said "are you serious, you still can't order a bucket of chicken." I told him that I wasn't going, I had just gotten out of the shower, I didn't feel like putting a bra on and God knows he won't let me go through the drive thru. He picked Shannon up and started to cut the grass. I was starting to feel a little guilty, after all he wasn't the best fisherman on the lake this weekend, chicken just may pull him out of his deep depression. I went to KFC and surprised him, I think I actually heard him singing while he was eating his chicken.

I fully expected an adventure story when my family returned from KFC last night and of course they did not disappoint. It seems that KFC closes early on Sunday nights or at least they did yesterday when Clark W Grizwald arrived, the store was dark without a bucket of chicken in sight. The kids all got a kick of watching my darling husband's stress level rise, in his quest for chicken . They decided to try Taco Bell again, Ryan and Maggie could get pizza and Dave and Erin could get taco's.(Lauren most likely would say that she wasn't eating fast food because it is soooooo unhealthy and then she will just steal your food when you get home, instead of ordering her own) They arrived at Taco Bell and of course were not going to attempt the drive thru, (especially in dad's fragile emotional state after the chicken quest was coming up a bust.) Dave got to the door and there was a sign taped to the door that said "We're sorry, we are temporarily out of Pizza Hut pizza's!" Dave thought, you have got to be kidding me, he went to open the door and it was locked. Not only are they out of pizza, now he would have to go through the drive thru. He decided that Taco Bell was not going to be for him, he couldn't handle all of this fast food stress. Moving on down the road, they decided to hit McDonald's, Dave was ready to throw in the towel but Lauren was driving so he didn't have much choice. Lauren pulled in to the drive thru and ordered, Dave wanted a number 3 large with a coke. They pulled around and the kid in the window gave them their food. Dave asked for his soda and the kid said "Ummm you didn't order a soda." I guess he forgot that value meals came with a drink. He appeared baffled and asked Lauren if she could please pull forward and he would run the large Coke out to them as soon as it was ready. Dave couldn't understand why they had to pull forward for a Coke when this kid was standing inches away from the cups, straws, ice and soda. Dave told Lauren to just leave, he couldn't handle the pressure. Lauren refused, the kids were enjoying watching Daddy crumble. Finally after at least five minutes of waiting for Dave's soda, Erin went inside and asked for it and the kid said "Oh I'm sorry I forgot all about it." Erin got back in the car and Ryan asked if Ashton Kutcher was inside. Surely they were being punked!!!

My husband got a new toy this weekend. A brand new power washer. I'm afraid if one of the kids stands still long enough, he just may power wash one of them. We bought several different solutions, one for siding, one for concrete, one for the deck. Apparently my husband is a careless speed reader because he used a gallon of siding CONCENTRATE on the driveway thinking it said CONCRETE. I guess we will have to do a do over on the driveway next weekend. Dave was craving KFC last night, he left the house and came back an hour later empty handed. I asked what happened?? He wouldn't tell me. He opened the freezer and pulled out the bag of chicken patties. He opened the pantry an noticed that we were out of bread. He put the chicken patties back in the freezer and stormed off into our room. I asked him what happened at KFC? He said, "when I got there the dining room was closed and the drive thru only had a partial menu at the back of the line. I was afraid that I would get blocked in by another driver and wouldn't be able to leave if the menu was too stressful." What in the hell could possibly be stressful about ordering chicken???? He decided to go by taco bell instead. Their dining room was still open. He walked in and the line reached all the way to the door. There was a whole baseball team there. That's when he decided to go home in a huff and eat a chicken pattie. Unfortunately for him we were out of bread. To make a long story short, he just asked me to go with him to KFC tonight. He hasn't satisfied his craving yet. I told him I wasn't going with him because I was busy making fun of him on my blog. He asked Lauren to go with him, she said "Oh God, Dad, do you know how unhealthy KFC is??" He asked Erin to go and help him and she said, "No way, I hate KFC their chicken tastes like rats." we asked her if she has actually ever eaten a rat and luckily she said no. He finally talked Lauren and Erin into going and helping him order the stressful chicken as long as he promised to take Erin to McDonald's on the way home, Ryan and Maggie rode along as well. Call me crazy but I think riding in a car with Ryan, Maggie, Erin and Lauren is a hell of a lot more stressful than ordering chicken. I guess my husband AKA the little red hen (who will help me order the chicken, not I said the tired wife, not I, said the vein, health nut Lauren, not I, said the crazy, multiple personality teenager) will learn a good lesson this evening that the drive thru is not actually such a scary place after all!!! (unless of course you are dumb enough to bring four kids with you to order 1 bucket of chicken)

Shannon called me last night from Florida. She seems to be having a great time. She was telling me about all the fun places that they have been to. I couldn't help but think, "your not going to bring home any change are you??" I'm used to Erin forgetting to bring home the change from her $20 that I give her for a $4 value meal, but I gave Shannon a little more than $20. Oh well I guess you only live once. She has a great group of friends and I am sure that they are having a blast. I just hope that my little red head remembers to put on her sunscreen.

Ryan pitched in his baseball game last night. Let me preface this little story by saying that my son is not a pitcher. He always wants to pitch and I try to discourage it because he never practices and has had no training. He hasn't even played a baseball game in over three weeks. Anyway to make a long story short, it made for a long inning for this stressed out mom. I guess he has to fight his battles on his own and learn the hard way that pitching just isn't for him. He did strike out two batters. I would like to apologize to the three mothers of the children on the other team that my little pitcher pummeled with the ball. The inning was finally over when he walked in five runs of batters that he either HIT!!! or walked. OOPS!!! It was really hard watching him struggle emotionally on the mound, his little shoulders were slumped and he looked pretty sad. I figured if I went into the dug out for a big hug and kiss that I would make matters worse. I just said a quick prayer for him and figured that this will be one of those unavoidable hard lessons in life. It still doesn't make it any easier on his mom or dad. Besides his dad always says "I have no use for a sport with a ball that you don't kick." We are a soccer family, who needs baseball anyway.

I wasted an hour and a half of my day waiting in line at the liscense bureau. Erin's temporary tags on her car expire next week so I thought I would be good and pay my sales tax a week early, so I could get her plates. When we bought the car Dave called me and asked me if I wanted my name on the title. Since we were buying a 1999 Corolla with three hubcaps and 90,000 miles instead of a Porsche I told him it was fine if he titled it in his name only. I thought I would have to take off of work to go buy the dealership to sign it. To make a long story short, when I got up to the counter to get my plates, they wouldn't give them to me because the title was in Dave's name. Lauren asked me to bring her sales receipt with me and ask what her sales tax would cost for her new car.I called Dave and told him that he gets to wait in line to get Erin's plates. My darling husband struggles with ordering a pizza, getting license plates just may push him over the edge.

I called Lauren to let her know how much her sales tax would be. She was working, selling beer in Clayton at parties at the park. (an outdoor happy hour for the yuppy crowd,held every Wednesday in the summer) I told her that her sale tax would be around $1,200.00, she said, "Oh God, I guess I better take off my top so I get better tips tonight." I thought "what are you thinking??" Then I thought, "maybe you should go ahead and take one for the team, Erin's $900 soccer fees are due soon, you may want to take your shorts off as well." Instead it came out as "very funny, please keep your top on."

Shannon left for Florida today. I went to Wal Mart last night to pick up shampoo, soap, toothpaste etc for her trip. Imagine my surprise when I spent $100. Why can't I go to WalMart without dropping a hundred dollars? Erin got a text message last night from one of her friends about her family soccer party that is tonight. I love the short notice that I always get. I finally paid for her $260 state champion ring yesterday. Last night she said, "we ordered state champs pullovers, I thought they were free, we are supposed to bring a $57 check to the party for the pullovers or we can add it to the $70 check for soccer camp next week." I felt like knocking her teeth out but then I remembered that she doesn't feel pain.

Shannon was a little nervous about her first flight. It was raining this morning which just made her more nervous. Her big sister Laure made sure she shared with her what air turbulence was. It didn't help much when she would do the count down, Shannon three more days until you die in a plane crash, Hey Shannon, two more days etc etc. I sure hope at least one of my children becomes a therapist so the Murphy's can get free help. She called me after her flight landed and said "mom, I'm alive!!!" I guess she wasn't as optimistic as I was. She told me she had a horrible headache. Good thing we packed the liquid Advil. She asked me while we were packing if she should pack it. I told her that chances were pretty slim that her friends family will have infant Advil in their medicine cabinet when their youngest child is 14. I bought her SPF 50 sunblock, she said "mom, I'm not going to get any color. Normally her tan lines look like a candy cane. I'm sure she is going to have a blast!! The rest of us are all jealous of her. We love the beach.